When does differences become incompatibilities?

[Bambie32]

So I've been with my DP a year.

I'm ambitious, driven, determined, into reading and intellectual conversations, don't really watch TV unless it's "The Walking Dead" or a documentary I like etc. I'm caring, affectionate and kind.

DP is not ambitious, not driven, doesn't read at all, loves the TV "I'm a celeb etc" and nothing wrong with that. He is also into his fitness. DP is very affectionate and caring.

Sometimes I get frustrated that he doesn't want to talk about "bigger things" and I'm aware that makes me sound like I'm a bit much. And I probably am 🙈 He looks at me in such a way that I know he loves me very much. And I love him too....I just wondered if my situation is a recipe for growing apart though. What are the differences between you and your partners? Does it frustrate you or do you embrace the differences?

There is no rule that says that intellectual conversations can be had only with one's partner, so if you need that simply go elsewhere.

My partner and I have very different views on religion: she is a Catholic, while I am an atheist. Our IQs are identical, and we do share some interests, such as visiting National Trust properties. She is happy for me to spend a day watching motorcycle racing, and I am not bothered if she spends the day shopping with her girlfriends. There is never any jealousy between us. If I want to watch a documentary, I'll go to the bedroom while she is in the lounge with a program that I didn't fancy. The great thing is that there is never any bad blood between us over our choices. She will lie in bed and watch catch-up TV on an iPad, while I read on my Kindle, but when we are done then it is time to move closer and cuddle.

From personal experience I would say that differences can be healthy, but in certain areas they can make life difficult. For example, I think that a mismatch in libido can be very hard to manage. Other than that, enjoy the shared times and enjoy time doing what you each want. You will be richer when you have time apart doing what the other partner has no desire to do.

It sounds like he might bore you in the future once the shine has worn off. If you're already frustrated by him, I'm not sure it's a goer long-term.

Also, are you going to be happy being the one who drives things forward? And the one who probably earns more (and what that may mean for you taking maternity leave/reducing hours if you have dc)? And whether his lack of ambition is potentially going to hold you back from the lifestyle you want & end up resenting him for it?

Differences are fine if you admire those opposing qualities and you complement each other, but it really depends how important some of these things are to you.

Hi OP,

I understand that it can challenging when your in a relationship and your respective other is drastically different to you. My husband and I couldn't have been more different when we first got together. He is from a different country and we had a number of cultural differences. However, these are all things we worked through and we are more alike now than we were when we first meet in 2013.

You have to ask yourself, is the differences a deal breaker for you? The things you have mentioned as differences do not really seem like big things? Me and my husband find mutual movies we like i.e. Riverdale on Netflix but he cant stand the fact I love watching Neighbours and I hate all the asian fighting movies he watches. Sometimes small differences like that is not so much a big deal.

If it was differences like, I want kids and he doesn't, I want to get married and he doesn't, I believe in education and encouraging my children to go to university and he doesn't or I am religious and he is not then I can understand that these are challenging things to work through. My husband always used to say that we were incompatable but we just didn't really know each other that well when we first started dating and also over time you both blend to become a representation of the other person.

As for ambition, what do you mean by that? Does he have a good job, is he financially secure, just because you claim he is not ambitious does he not mean he will not provide for you or make you happy. It could just be that he is a simple person. I think as long as he is content and on board with your ambitions and wants to help you achieve them that there is no issue. You should also encourage him to be ambitious! You say he is into fitness, then encourage him to be more ambitious in that area i.e. having training goals, fitness challenges, 10k runs etc or starting a fitness (PT) business. What I am saying is that you should take his interests and challenge him tot be a better man.

I think as long as your madly, deeply and forever in love with him then you should not walk away.

I'm in a very similar position to you, OP (except I like eastenders as well as documentaries ).

I've met a new guy who is lovely but i feel there's a mismatch in terms of education and interests and I was nervous to post for advice as I've seen a few similar threads where the OP was shot down for saying that there was an imbalance in ambition or intellect within their relationship.

My guy is loving, worldly, kind and fun but also never reads books or newspapers (just phone alerts) and isn't very interested in regularly discussing the "bigger" topics.

Whilst it would be unfair to say he is exactly unambitious as he is in a good job and serious about being financially solvent, he will only consider jobs very near his home (we live in London where nearly everyone i know commutes for work to some extent) where he could progress a lot more only slightly further afield.

Obviously nothing wrong with that, he is entitled to his priorities, but I am ambitious and have always moved or commuted to where the opportunities are.

He is from another culture and religion so we have in depth conversations about that but otherwise I sometimes feel I
need to dig to find interesting conversational topics for both of us rather than just banter or gossip.

Something Deadliftgirl said really struck a chord though.

It was about whether he supports your ambitions and interests even if he isn't as driven for himself. Do you feel that's the case? I was really questioning things today but saw that comment and decided maybe we're not so bad together:

I am aiming to retrain in quite a tough field and for a surprise present, he bought me the prep books for the entry exam and some other really useful bits and some flowers to say "good luck" with it all. I feel really supported and as though he has faith in me even though he might not be an immediate fit with matching interests.

After over a year of dating more highly educated men (for good or bad, education was a criterion i had when OLD), I have not been made to feel this cared for or listened to once and that has to count for something. I do wonder whether I could find someone who is a perfect fit but then, what if I don't?

I suppose if you genuinely have nothing in common and nothing to talk about then you will start to feel isolated in the relationship but if you do love and care for each other you could try to develop that, making the effort to get to know about each other's interests (even if it does mean watching Love Island occasionally!). This should be easy enough to suggest. Maybe you could join a book group or gym class together?

Sorry, not much advice, just as I say, yours is a very recognisable situation hence putting my two pence worth in!