what shall i do?

[hallmark]

please help.
my husband had an affair whicjh i found out about and we have since seperated
he never acknowledged the affair but is now living with his new partner.
he wants a divorce and has served me with papers, stating my unreasonable behaviour. everything he says is true we did argue a lot mainly because he was leading a double life. and i have fallen out with my in laws because of his adultary.
whilst the marrage is over and i do want an end to this situation i dont know if i should take the blame just for the sake oof a quick ending.
my main concern is that we have two little girls and one day they may blame the whole thing on me because i signed the papers when in reality it was their dad who effectively ended the marrage.
i feel all confused now, should i sign?
i dont have the funds to divorce him.

At the end of the day does it really matter why it has ended and who is to blame? Don't get me wrong, i can totally understand how you feel but is it worth dragging things out and causing more hostility.

I would just sign the papers and get it over with. I wouldn't be telling my kids the gory details at a later stage anyway. All they need to know is that their parents divorced but it ws all civilised.

Don't let pride get in the way of your freedom. Let's party!

When you say you dont have the funds to divorce him does this mean you have not sort legal advice?

I agree that it really does not matter what the reasons are but if you are not happy with what is being said then surely there must be another way.

If it is adultery then let him pay for you to divorce him instead.

You can defend the petition and counter-petition on the grounds of his adultery. Speak to a solicitor about this.

my dh is paying for the divorce.
i have seen a solicitor but have not instructed on to deal with the divorce i plan to do it my self as is he.

Just a thought Hallmark but are you on benefits?

I divorced my ex on the grounds of his adultery (he admitted to it). I was on income support at the time and all it cost me was £5, something to do with the court. I did all of my divorce myself, it was easy, and it was all over and done six weeks to the day i started it.

You can get all the papers and the 'help' leaflets fron the court and they help you every step of the way, if you fancy giving it a go.

Even if you argued a lot and you had faults, that did not give him an excuse to have an affair.

Tbh I'm quite stubborn and wouldn't be happy signing the papers if they blamed me, when my husband was the one who had the affair.

It depends how much it matters to you really, which is something only you can answer.

I would definitely get yourself some legal advice though.

x posted

i am not on benefits and not entitled to legal aid.
so i would have to pay to fight it.
just dont know if i have the energy for another fight, and what benefit i would get from holding out.
just feel nervous that in the future the kids may blame me particularly as i am their primary carer and they live with me. would hate them to resent me for something that wasnt my fault
and thanks for the advice already given .

I've been reading the posts here and I can't help but think that the wording on your divorce papers really isn't the important thing. IF you are agreed that your marriage is over then there's no point wasting more energy fighting about who is to blame. Your two little girls will work out the facts from the fiction in the future - and in my opinion the ins and outs of the relationship between parents isn't important to children - what's important is that they have a stable environment where they know they are unconditionally loved by those caring for them. I'm certainly not condoning the actions of your husband - I've experienced a partners infidelity myself and know there is nothing like it to make your a little unreasonable/crazy but at the end of the day there's no point dwelling on it. If it's over, it's over and the easiest thing for everyone is just to move on. You know the truth and that's all the matters. Those closest to you will know too - and in time that will include your little girls. I know it's hard but in my opinion its the only way if you want to avoid going down a road of self destruction. Good luck and hope everything works out the way you want it to...

Sorry, but I absolutely have to hijack this thread for a moment. I am divorcing my STBXH on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, but he is absolutely convinced it's really because I'm having, or plan to have, an affair. He's always been suspicious of me when I wasn't directly under his eye, which is one of the things I consider unreasonable! He has actually told his solicitor I plan to move in with someone as soon as the financial settlement is finalised (I wish! I wouldn't be living with STBXH right now if I had that option). I do wonder how much bad advice he's getting through telling his solicitor total rubbish.

This is of course nothing to do with Hallmark's situation, as the fact her H is actually living with someone else should give a LITTLE bit of a clue that it's actually true... I mean even if they really didn't separate because of adultery, he's doing some now, isn't he? so should be prepared to do the decent thing and allow her to divorce him on those grounds. It wouldn't hurt anyone, surely. I doubt very much he'd swear to a court that he was living with the OW on a purely platonic basis.

If you want to get divorced so quickly, you should divorce HIM on grounds of adultery. If you want to hang on and gather your thoughts and feelings before a divorce (which will include a financial settlement which will be massively important to you and your kids future), then hold your horses and don't agree to alleged unreasonable behaviour.
I would seriously suggest seeing a solicitor and having a pause and a good think before signing anything which you may later regret. Even if you have to put the cost on a credit card (which is what I did), it'll be the best couple of hundred quid you've ever spent.
Yes, you're hurt, upset and pisssed off, but you really need to get super-selfish and think about your future. You are entitled to half of everything, absolutely everything, including the value of his pension if he has one. Also, presuming you are the main carer for the kids, you are entitled to stay in the family home, with him supporting you until the youngest child reaches 18. Don't let him get away with anything because you are currently feeling low.
Good luck.

At the end of the day Hallmark you have to do whats best for you. It sounds to me, from what you have said, that you personally have more to gain from just 'leting it go', getting the divorce out of the way. Sometimes, we have to put our wellbeing, both pyhsical and mental, before our pride.

Like another poster said, your children will most probably know the truth when they are older, Don't feel you are letting them or yourslef down just by wanting an end to all this. You aren't. xx

we have already sorted out our financial arrangements and he is doing the right thing by the children money wise. i have the house and he pays maintenance.
can he divorce me on the groundds of his adultury? or would i have to file against him for this. i only have 7 days to respond to the courts!!

No i don't think he can, all he can do is let you divorce him on those grounds and agree to pay for it.

In all fairness, I think the unreasonable behaviour thing was the only way he could actually instigate the divorce.

How reasonable is he? If it's so important to you, would he allow you to divorce him then agree to pay for it? Can you talk to him?

i would not sign the papers, and divorce him on grounds of adultery. or get him to change the reason to his adultery. don't sign something if it's not true.

I think you should just sign it and get rid!! You know the truth and thats all that matters, as long as you and your kids are ok, and together, they will work out who's to blame.

Here! Here!

No, he definately cannot divorce you citing HIS adultery, you would have to divorce him for his adultery. His only way to divorce, prior to 2 years seperation, is stating Unreasonable Behaviour on your part; which is what he's doing.

If he's being fairly reasonable about the dcs and its him who wants the divorce why not tell him your concerns about the unreasonable behaviour and ask him to pay for you to divorce him for adultery. He may agree happily to get it over with fast and amicably. You may be able to sort it all out in one phone call if you can both keep calm.