How do you let your friends know you're struggling?

[Waytooearly]

I've had a hard year. Father (in another country) diagnosed with cancer. This time last year I left alcoholic husband. Had a hard time with creepy boss and chaotic workplace. My hair started thinning out and I lost a lot of weight.

I have kept it together, finished a professional course with flying colours, found great new job, had some fun trips, am in process of buying a flat.

I'm left a little surprised at how lonely and unsupported I feel by long-term friends in all this. But honestly that could be my own fault. Even with two especially close friends who found me crying, I immediately shifted the focus to, 'That's okay, nevermind, tell me how you're doing, let's go to a yoga workshop!'

I can see too that I have been uncharacteristically active on social media with the 'wow isn't life interesting and fulfilling' posts that make me cringe a little now. Like whom was I trying to convince?

I'm a big believer in the fake-it-till-you-make-it approach and it has definitely got me through. However I am wondering a bit now whether that kept people at arm's length when I needed them? I sort of thought more people would offer an encouraging word or even acknowledge the fact that I'd moved out of my house and lost a fifteen-year relationship, that I had to make an emergency trip back home.

I recently had a coffee with someone who I thought was a good friend. We hadn't seen each other in several months. She had some job-related questions and then mentioned coming to visit me and ex. There was a long silence and then she said, 'Oh no right, you' ve moved out... '

I'm not sure what I'm really expecting from friends... But not that.

Do I need to be more open about what I'd like/need from friends? If so, how?

for you - sounds like you'll be glad to see the back of 2018

your friends sound a bit shit, tbh.

You might need to be a bit more open, but they knew about what was happening, right?
I tend to think I'm a good friend to people, and if they are going through a tough time, I will increase contact, not decrease it (not in an annoying way - I hope! - but just so they know I'm thinking about them.

But yeah, don't be a martyr - tell them you need them!

Kind of brought things to focus when I was writing Christmas cards and I realised that only one person on my list had asked for my new address.

your mission for 2019 - find some new friends!

I didn't send out big 'I've moved, here's my new address' announcements at the time, just let people know I'd moved to a certain neighbourhood in town. I thought, 'That's okay, I'll send Christmas cards early this year and that way make sure everyone has my address!' But screw it, maybe I'll just skip the cards this year.

Last year this time I was making Christmas chocolates for neighbours and going carolling. Hosting people in my nice house. Trying to keep everything together despite crazy alcohilc stuff in background. I'd thought that by ditching the alcoholic stuff I'd be making room for all the wonderful things that were trying to come into my life. Now I'm skint and lonely and feeling like I lost everything.

@Waytooearly I hear you
Agree with another poster in that you need to make new friends, not to replace your existing ones though but to add to your support network. Do you have children? And decent plans for Xmas?

In fairness, and playing devils advocate-could they think you’re actually doing better than you are (or feel)? You sound like you’re keeping hugely busy finishing a course (well done!), moving house, the positive posts on fb etc-it could be people just simply don’t realise your inner thoughts/feelings.

You’ve written some great posts here, maybe your friends need to see/hear the inner workings of your mind. Especially when you said you glossed over your crying and changed subjects. If I were your friend I’d have followed up on that but perhaps they need to be let in more?

From what I’ve read I wouldn’t write them off as shit friends yet! I think maybe work on gaining closeness by messaging each other and I don’t think you can beat face to face catch ups for coffee/breakfast/lunch/dinner or inviting people over for dinner 😊

Wishing you a kind 2019 x

I'm very similar, "fake it til you make it" being one of my favourite approaches to dealing with things! The last six months I've had a pretty hard time and I would usually keep it myself, but I opened up to a couple of friends eventually and they've been brilliant. Previously I was that person who was always there for others and didn't like to burden them with my issues, but I needed it this year and when they knew and realised they stepped up to the mark. I think sit and have a frank conversation with a close friend or two. Sometimes us fake it til you make it types get a bit too good at the faking. Hope life improves very soon

Thanks very much. No kids. I have some festive outings leading up to Christmas and on the actual day I will go to a funky pub in town that hosts a meal for randoms and has a DJ. A lot of us foreigners end up going to that. I have actually wanted to go to their Christmas do for a long time but my husband wanted to do something traditional.

I have been seeing a guy but he's gone quite flaky in the past couple of months due to some personal stuff he's going through. He has previously been like 'Zomg I want to have Christmas with you angel queen' but no actual plans made so I'm making plans without him. Frankly the flaky boyfriend shenanigans are not helping my mental health; I need to detach from that a bit.

Thanks for the thoughtful posts! Really helpful this morning.

Because you haven't shown your vulnerability (not even to yourself) they can't/couldn't see it either? And maybe you didn't show it was because you have been let down in the past? And because you're feeling vulnerable in this new relationship, you're questioning it now?

Sounds like you've had a terrible time. However pretending all is well does make it hard for people to support you. Being open and vulnerable is more honest and more likely to deepen and cement friendships in my experience. Your friends might be shits, but it's hard to judge if you've been dishonest with them about how you feel. No judgement there, just how it could be
Have you tried opening up? Just being yourself? Faking it and bragging on fb don't work really
Sending you warmest wishes and strength, Christmas is particularly hard when life feels shit

Yes, I might try to bit a bit more real with people.

I got burned with some initial responses. Some people got surprisingly judgey when I left husband.

When I first moved out one of my local friends seemed very supportive indeed and even offered a room for me to stay if I needed. I thought, 'There, see, people do come through.' But then right on the heels of that, like ten days after I'd moved, she invited me to one of her periodic games nights and said she hoped I wouldn't mind that she'd invited my ex too. Because you have to have pairs. I mean, just so fucking clueless.

On the other hand, there have been two friends who've really come through and been great. So I need to focus on that.

Sounds like you’re doing great OP!

In fairness I don’t know anyone who sends Christmas cards via the post anymore so don’t read anything much into your friends not asking for your address.

The one who invited your ex doesn't sound like a close friend. I hope you told her how ridiculous that was.
When you open up you usually cement a friendship, unless of course the other person is an arsehole. Trust your gut feelings about people. I find those who make me a bit uneasy are best kept at arms length. Along with those who project a perfect life and admit no weakness.
It's good to question and reflect on stuff like this, you'll come out of it stronger and clearer