AIBU to avoid her/ask her to leave?

[Sandiagosummers]

So an old colleague of mine has recently split from her partner. She is from a different country and doesn't have a family support network in the area. I have a spare room and she's been renting it from me for the past few months. In general, I prefer my privacy but this is short term and some extra cash, so fine.

We are quite similar in many ways and can get on fine socially (the odd etc), but as I said, I'm an introverted/private person and like my own space in general (so it's potentially me who is BU here). Anyway, despite the positives, I've noticed a build-up of small comments from her that are really getting to me.

Eg. I cook something/make a snack. She comes in the kitchen and peers over what I'm doing and sort of judgily says something like 'what's that'. I explain what it is I'm making, and if it's not something she's used to/or its one of my more unusual late-night-snack creations (!) she'll follow up with just 'oh, that's weird' or 'you're weird'. I feign a giggle, and try to defend myself by saying 'no try it, it's good' or something, but she refuses, then leaves. She says these comments in a sort of comedy voice as if it's meant to be a joke... except It's not banter! There are plenty other mundane examples I won't list, but in general me doing what I consider to be day to day things (cooking, fitting in some extra work at home on the sofa on occasion) seems to lead to unnecessary comments from her where she tells me how weird I am, or that I'm being a 'goody two shoes' because I'm working particulary hard/long hours in a given week.

I initially just brushed it off as humour, but it began to be a regular (weekly/bi-weekly) thing where I found myself worrying about what comment she might make next about whatever I happened to be doing. She's since revealed that in her family playful bullying is a sign of affection and that that's when I should know we're close...

I'm now just avoiding her, but it's led to me being antisocial and reclusive, avoiding communal areas because I find it hard to relax. AIBU? What's even going on, is it me or her?

Neither. You're incompatible as flatmates. It's no one's fault. I think that you should give her notice (plenty of it, as nicely as poss) before there's a blow-up and you lose her friendship.

Yes, give her notice. You are not, after all, someone who is intending to be a long term landlord, you let her rent a room from you as a temporary measure and you want your own home back.

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable - I've lived with dp for more than 20 years and before that experienced being someone's lodger several times, none of them happy experiences - looking back I am sure I wa annoying but I also had some landlords with unreasonable expectations.

Basically, you want to be able to live your own life in your own home without someone who perhaps doesn't know you all that well making snidey comments about things. The few comments you've noted sound outrageous.

Are you bothered about keeping her as a friend? If not, tell her that these kind of comments make you feel uncomfortable and upset, and that you value your space and the current arrangement just isn't working for you. If you are, why? I don't know the answer but you need to say something even if it means having a row now rather than having a much worse one in a few weeks or months, after the ongoing misery and discomfort she has brought into your home.

Thanks for reading, I think I know I have to ask her to go. I just feared making her situation more difficult, but that's not my responsibility I know... Needed to check I wasn't being OTT and cruel though! I fear the friendship is already damaged (the comments are individually so small/pointless, but cumulatively have made me feel so judged and paranoid about normal things that I now just don't enjoy her company). Seems a shame and so petty, and I'm not angry (yet), but I've never felt so incessantly picked on/questioned before about mundane matters of no significance. It's been irritating and disheartening.

Definitely ask her to leave. You shouldn't have be avoiding the communal areas in your own home!!

I would also ask her to leave if it's bugging you so much - once something small gets so annoying it will just get worse. I just wonder if it's a cultural/language thing?

Thanks, Stroller, you might be right.

(My initial post sounds very serious so I should say I'm not immune to banter! Most of my close friendships involve friendly fire, I usually like that kind of thing. This has just been persistent, low-level negativity though, and unexpected). Thanks all.

You're not making her situation worse as long as you give plenty of notice and are fair about returning the deposit (if she paid one). All you've done is help give her some breathing space to get her living arrangements back on track after the breakup. Time for her to move on.
I'd find the comments really grinding as well but wouldn't give this as the reason for asking her to leave as you don't want a super-awkward notice period.

I would let her know ASAP too so she can budget for next payday and not go overboard at Christmas and New Year (reading between the lines money might be a bit tight if she couldn't just get a flat or house share).

Is she going back to her family for Christmas? If so, this will be an ideal opportunity for you to have a conversation about how, on her return, she will need to find somewhere else to live. Don't make up any excuse, just tell her you need your own space.

The fact that it's coming up to New Years helps too.

It's a time people often start thinking about their plans for the year ahead, so it's a good opener.

"Hi X, I was just thinking about my plans for the year ahead. I've been in touch with [old friend] and she's coming to stay in early March. I know this was only supposed to be a temporary arrangement so you might already have plans to be out by then, but I'd thought I should let you know now, just in case you haven't thought that far ahead yet."

I'd send the email first when you know you'll see her in a few minutes then stick your head around the door, "oh hi Friend, I've just sent you an email but in case you haven't seen it, I thought I'd say it to you in person too. I've just been thinking about New Year plans..."