Cheating husband

[hurtmomma]

So this is the first time I'm posting on here. Not in a good place and could do with some advice or just to sound off.

My partner of 13 years and husband of 5 years has been cheating on me. I found out around 3 months ago. He was sleeping with his boss. Once I found out, he's been honest, stopped contact, blocked numbers etc and has left his job.

I just can't seem to let go. I've been through all the emotions, anger, sadness. I felt broken for a while and still do to a point.

We have always done everything together. Finances shared, life shared, both have access to phones(never even thought he would ever cheat)

I have 3 gorgeous children and he is a good dad. I'm finding it hard to accept what he has done.

On one hand, I adore him. I'm physically attracted to him, hardly anyone even turns my eye. I love the years we've spent together and everything we have built. On the other hand, I hate him. How could he have done it after everything we have built and have. Do I still love him or do I love what we had? Nothing will ever be the same. My family are no longer keen on him and my family mean everything to me.

I'm also so scared of being alone. We've been together since I left high school and now I'm afraid of a life on my own.

I have male friend who has been an absolute massive support through out the whole of this. He's attentive, says all the right things, I know he would look after me (it would take a while before I could ever be with someone again anyway) however I just don't fancy this guy. I never have although he's always liked me. It scares me to think I'll never be with someone like my husband again but then he's not the man I loved or married any more.

My head is so so mashed up 😢

I'm sorry you're going through this. I personally could never forgive an affair because its always there, bubbling away under the surface. I would never be able to trust again.
That's not to say other people don't forgive and go on to have happy marriages.
My only suggestion is to try counselling together. Talk openly with a trained counsellor who can at least help you decide whether you can move on from this or not.

I always said I would never forgive cheating. It's something we've both always agreed on. However in reality it's not as easy.

It is still bubbling away and I think this is my problem. We will never get that part of the relationship back.

But then I'm scared of the alternative. He's trying. And when I hear about other relationships it frightens the hell out of me. Abuse etc. 😢

Sorry this has happened op

My ex dh cheated on me with someone from his work. He also did all the right things, finished it, left his job, showed massive remorse. But I couldn’t ever get past it. I never realised his capacity for deceit. I really tried for 3 years to make it work. But I couldn’t. I now realise that once the trust and respect has gone, I couldn’t get it back, even with 2 dc between us. I’m so much happier now. We’ve been divorced for 5 years and I often wonder how I managed 3 years with him after I found out.

You will get mixed advice on here but in the end only you can decide what you can live with. In reality despite the good life you had and the feelings and love you had for him, he has totally changed that and taken a lot of it away. You didn't have any say in it

I have seen the natural reluctance to give up what you see you have and a fear of being alone....but the reality is you don't have now what you had before. You can try and rebuild it and clearly some manage it but the majority still seem to struggle and years later the loss of trust eats away at them. I knew of someone not hugely dissimilar to your position and every time he was late she wondered if he was cheating, every time he worked away overnight, did he have another woman with him and every time they had sex she couldn't stop thinking of him having sex with the OW FIVE years later she couldn't take it any more despite him having been since cheating the perfect and contrite husband. The reality was he destroyed the marriage and she tried her best but she couldn't rebuild it back to how it was before and what she recognised she needed to do was mourn and move on.

Best of luck with whatever you decide

OP please try not to focus on 'what might be' if you split up. I split with my XDP of 16 years and I was SO scared of the unknown. I still worry I might never meet anyone else but to be honest, I'd still rather be single than in an unhappy relationship.
Being single is scary but doesn't have to be a bad thing. I'm very happy on my own and i don't answer to anyone and there is no drama in my life (apart from the kids).
Its harder for you because you still love him and he's trying. It really all boils down to whether you can get past this. 3 months isn't long at all though, maybe you need to give this more time. And do the counselling.

The helpful Male friend is not actually a help. He's a distraction.

You need to make this decision without this exit route as an option. Make a decision about wether you think you and your husband can rebuild your marriage. Thinking about all of this with your 'safety net' in place is not realistic. You are talking about 'settling' for someone you don't fancy - in the aftermath of a terrible betrayal. It has disaster written all over it.

Thanks everyone. My head is all over the place. I think we should definitely try counselling.

I saw how cut up my eldest was when I found out. As much as I tried to keep it from him, he was aware and he was so upset.

Fontofallknowledge your so right. I know I shouldn't be even thinking about him. It's not fair to him either. I was just using the comparison as in he says and does everything right but I just don't fancy him. Will I ever fancy any one again. That's how I feel, my OH is all I've ever known and even through his rough times I've always been immensely attracted to him inside and out. He's a fabulous Dad. But the hurt and betrayal is so much.

I so understand how you feel, 2 years ago I found a pile of poems/songs written and recorded in a drawer in Hs office, all relating to a 21 year old who worked with us a bit 11 years before. They had lots of trips abroad (music industry) shared rooms, flights, all of it known by me at the time and I had fully trusted, had no reason not to, he simply 'wasn't the type'. . It seems it was an infatuation on his part and apart from a lot of texting she didn't know how he felt. I think this is the truth but actually seeing this longing stuff in his writing , well it certainly changed how I saw him, even though it was a good while ago. He never had cut contact either over the years, although it's been infrequent as she moved abroad. After 2 years whilst the initial shock has gone, I do find I don't feel the same about us, I wish I did and still am unsure if more time is needed or if I will always feel very hurt and disappointed . It's not even as if it's an ongoing thing and he has certainly 'tried' a lot more with stuff, although the infatuation is a subject that can't be mentioned or he gets really agitated.

When you say he's doing all the right things.... what are they?

Below is a list of things...but even if he does those things...It's not always enough.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

I think it’s still all so new and raw - 3 months is nothing, no time at all to deal wth your world being turned upside down. I’ve been there and I will never forget those first few months after finding out. I’m two years on and it still casts a shadow over my life.

All I can say is, don’t put any pressure on yourself. You don’t have to make any decisions either way right now. And definitely look at therapy for him/marriage counseling for you both. It should help to make things clearer for you going forward.

I’m so sorry this is happened to you. I know how unbearably painful it is :(

Whatever you decide, you must understand and accept that life will never be the same again. You say you found out, I assume he did not come clean about it and admit it to you as a mistake, so if you stay you will never have the same trust. Your bubble has been burst and you can never have that bubble again. Time will make it feel better possibly, but if you are still together you will never know what he's doing behind your back. It's a personal decision, and if he is truly remorseful and open and willing to do anything you want of him to prove himself, it might work. All it takes though is one more untruth to come forward and it's over. I wish you all the best.

Gosh I’m so sorry. It’s absolutely not your fault you feel this way still! Three months is nothing. You could well still be in shock. I’ve heard people say it takes five years to truly recover a marriage from an affair. Do you think you are willing to put all of that work in for all that time just to try and get back to a different version of what you thought you had before?

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sleep at night next to someone who had done it. It’s not even the physical act of sex with someone else, it’s the lying. The fact he thought it was acceptable to lie to his wife and the mother of his kids so that he could get what he wanted from someone else. He put your sexual health at risk. He basically stuck his middle finger up at you so he could focus on getting his needs met elsewhere. I’d remember back to the times he lied about where he’d been or what he was doing to your face and genuinely deeply ask yourself: is that a man you want to be vulnerable and share a life with? He’s not safe.

He’s not who you thought he was, so your options aren’t really split or try to get back to how things were: how things were for you was a lie, so the best you can hope for is to build a relationship with the man you now know he is, at your own expense, knowing forever that he’s capable of this. Many people would truly rather be single and happy than enmeshed with a partner who could be so cruel and emotionally abusive. He took away your consent when he brought a third person into your marriage without your knowing. You were only with and sleeping with him under the impression you were monogamous. It’s genuinely sickening. You have every right to still be in pain and to walk away if that’s what is best for you. And if you stay, at least you’re fully aware now the best he can offer you is a non monogamous relationship. No more illusions.

It's still very early days OP.
Don't expect to just 'be over' all of this in 3 months.
This is something that will never ever leave you.
It will always be there.
But you can work through it if you want to.
Cheating is a total deal-breaker for me but many couples can come through it.
Please get some counselling on your own.
Once you've made some progress then you can have some joint counselling.
If... in a few months time you are no further forward then you will know that you can't forgive this.
And you can take appropriate action then.
For now, work on yourself.
Don't expect everything to be hunky-dorey for a good while yet.
Take each day as it comes.

The counsellor told me not to rush, see how you felt and keep re evaluating it, as she said ‘the person you thought they were has now changed, see if you want that relationship with this ‘new’ person’ . I am 2 years down the line, still evaluating’ .

Thanks everyone. I'm so confused and my heart hurts so much 😢

It can take years to reach a better place. It's early days yet.

Your H giving up his job immediately was a good sign.
Does he comfort you if you get upset about it?
Is he impatient?
Does he really get it?... because many never do and that is what kills the relationship even more than the betrayal of an affair.

He needs to show he is grateful for the gift of reconciliation.