Effort with friends

[ifry]

Should I make more of an effort with my friends?

I've been friends with a group since university over 10 years ago.

I've recently become a mum to twins and have had to cancel a night out. I'd started work and I was just tired. I gave an excuse that I wasn't ready for a nightout and I had no reply.

I asked how things were going their end and no reply. There was a group of friends so they could've gone together.

I've asked if they want to do another date and they just said maybe. I saw on facebook that they had gone out together without me on a different date and didn't let me know.

They seem hard to please and I feel hard to love. Should I make the effort? I've already asked them about a date and all I got was a maybe. Maybe they don't want to make plans with me because I back out last minute? But they don't communicate.

I ask how things are going their end but nothing back. They don't ask how my babies are or how I am doing.

Sorry you're going through this and can feel your frustration. Are there any members in the group you feel closer to and perhaps target for a one on one? I guess it depends on how you'd feel if you were to break contact with them entirely? How would you feel? Do you feel they're worth the effort?

Your lives are going in different directions, obviously your family is your priority now. I'd take a step back and let them come to you, if they don't then let them go.Its life and it happens.

If I was being cancelled on more than once I wouldn't bother with a friend again unless someone was going through an total crisis .A maybe or I'll let you know tends to be a blow off IME. It sounds like they have moved on OP.

I've said no to a really expensive hen do. We're talking £500 minimum and 3 nights away from the twins. I think they think friends have to agree all the time and seem to have taken offence that my twins are important to me. One friend said once " they're your life now aren't they?" They are but I'm still me. I still need friends.

I've also said no to an expensive hen do*

I can see it from both sides I guess. I had my two children before any of my friends had kids and although I tried to join in what they all did when I could, I just couldn’t do everything and was usually first to leave as I knew I’d be up at 4am. I got a few “oh, you can stay up late just once” comments, which annoyed me a bit but I rose above it. When they all had their own kids I felt to smug when they said the same things!
My friends and I are very close though and we do understand that we won’t all want to or be able to do everything together and that’s fine...proper friends should understand.
I think as long as you don’t disappear completely and try and see them when you can (even if you don’t sometimes feel like it), you are perfectly entitled to be tired from running around after twins. If they don’t understand then maybe it’s time for some new friends who do.

I think they are being very unreasonable if they think you should go to expensive events with nights away when you have just had twins! Do they have families yet? I think they don't have any idea really.

The one that asked doesn't have a family. I've given so much over the years. Babies seem to reveal the truth don't they?

Honestly they dont sound like very good friends.
Its ok to not go to every meet up.

I said I was going to meet up but cancelled 2 days before because I'd asked what was happening and noone replied. I needed to plan. Not childcare it was sorted. But you know when you just need to get things sorted! What you're going to wear etc. Those things are important to me because I don't have that much money and I wanted to do it properly. I've asked how they are and they're just ignoring me now.

Well if they are ignoring you they sound really nasty and bitchy, I would leave them to it.

I’m so sorry, but I don’t think they like you anymore or see you as a friend. Their actions speak volumes. They’re not interested in the major things going on in your life. They don’t want to see you.

Seems like they’ve moved on, I think it’d be kinder for you to do so too. Nothing more degrading than chasing after people who don’t want you.

You are better off without them anyway, real friends wouldnt treat you like that

Sorry but I don't see how you can cancel on a last minute expensive hen do without it incurring extra expense to the others?

May be doing that made it more expensive for the others?

Did you go on and on about your babies to childless women?

Talking about babies and having them are normal for the new mother as they are huge life changing events and I along with everyone else I know became an absolute baby bore but we do it inadvertently.

But for anyone who isn't in the same stage in their life it can induce all sorts of emotions: jealousy and intolerance if they are not interested in that stage of life yet come to mind. So you have to be sensitive.

You are at different stages of your life but the fact that they never ask about your babies is a red flag.

Sounds like they were only interested in the young, free and single you and not the change in status you.

It happens unfortunately. Best not to take offence, find new friends and may be be more sensitive around childless women: they might be really jealous that you have fond a partner and in a babies stage, especially if thy are in their late 20s/30s.

I didn't cancel. They just asked if I wanted to go and I said no. I feel like I've said no a lot recently and they seem to take it personally.

I dont talk about them because they dont ask. I think i do have what they want. My oh earns enough so i dont have to have a career. They are working on theirs but they hate it. I ask how things are and they just ignore me.

Do you want a career when the twins are slightly older?
Or are you happy to be a SAHM for the long-term?
Some people love it, some don't.
Don't give up your whole career because your OH earns enough so you don't have to work.
You do what is right for you.

Ohhh... And your friends are assholes.
Drop them.
They don't care about you so don't waste any more time on them.

No-one plans a last minute 3 night stay hen do only a couple of days before leaving so it sounds like it was booked/planned then you cancelled 2 days before.
You also say you felt you've said no to a lot of things lately? If that is the case it's only natural they will be less likely to ask as they know what the answer will be. There are a couple of women in our circle who were invited to everything but inevitably cancel at the last minute, as a result not many of us are bothered asking anymore as it's a waste of time.

Congrats on the twins, I totally understand you are in the 'baby bubble' at the moment, but if your friends dont have kids yet they are probably completely disinterested. Be honest, listening to other people harp on about theirs is, quite frankly, boring as hell.

Maybe focus on making new friends at mother and toddler groups, suggest coffee mornings etc.

It’s so hard when those closest to us start going in different directions. I think you should be honest and tell them how things have changed for you and the impact it has.

Everyone needs a friend to vent to and I think it would be good if you could make the effort to tell them what you’re telling us and see how it goes.

Honestly, back off but don’t cut all contact. Keep on whatever group threads you’ve got. Keep them on Facebook etc. Mark my words, when they eventually start to have kids they’ll be turning to you for advice.