Making contact with birth family?

[atinymew]

Hi all,

I was going to post this on Adoption but didn't want to risk upsetting anyone.
I found out 2 years ago that I am adopted. Literally no idea before then. I'd already gone NC with my parents and only found out when I called NRS to request a copy of my birth certificate.

I got myself an Ancestry DNA kit this year, more out of curiosity than anything else. When those results came back, I decided I wanted to investigate my bio family history.

Long story short.. I've found my bio grandmother, bio aunts and bio mum on Facebook and other social media. I'm not sure if I should make contact or not.

Bio mum is now settled and recently married with a good job. She doesn't appear to have any children. Unfortunately, her dad (my bio grandad) died earlier this year. I debated whether to send a message saying I'm sorry for her loss but that might seem a bit off? Their lives have changed dramatically this year and I don't want to make it any worse for them by dropping a bombshell on her and her husband/family.

Anyway, I don't want to turn this into a long-winded vent, I was just wondering if anyone else has been in this position before or if anyone has any advice how/if I should go about making contact?

TIA.

Sorry I haven't been in this position but I would have thought if she sadly just lost of her dad....she might be overjoyed to find you again. You might actually bring her some peace. You could just say what you told us - that you did a DNA test and it appears you are related without saying you know you are her daughter? This would give her a chance to decide about contact. But hopefully someone with more experience will come along soon to give you some advice.

I'd get in touch OP. Life is short and you never know what's around the corner. You could write her a letter and leave it up to her to decide if she wants to meet up.
Go for it. If you don't, you'll always wonder 'What if?'

When you say you did a DNA test, did that link you with your bio family? As I believe some do these days. Or did you find them independently?
I have been in your situation, albeit a number of years ago. I found my bio mum when I was in my twenties. I would advise that you do nothing in haste and give it a lot of thought. You need to think of every possible scenario, including rejection.
I found my bio mother by going through (for free) an adoption agency in London. Possibly part of social services. I was in another country, but adopted in the UK. Before they put us in contact I had to undergo psycho social testing. They were able to contact my bio mum as she had forwarded her details, so that she was traceable if I came looking.
It was a long time ago, so my info is a bit vague. For me it was a good experience, but sadly did not last. I don’t regret doing it, however I would advise some sort of counselling, just so you can think it through.

Best of luck.

I'd be inclined to go through an experienced third party OP. Maybe the Adoption and Fostering charity can help.

I would contact them 100%. Worst case they either don't want to know, not ready to know etc. But finding out one way or the other might bring you closure.

Long time lurker here but had to reply as I had a similar situation tho in my case it was my father.
I found his obituary online so sadly never got to meet him but through that was able to find family members on facebook.
I sat on it for a few years. My family had reasons for no contact with him but I needed to know esp as one of my children is his spitting image (an uncle told me this) and my mother would comment how like him I was in a lot of ways.
My parents I grew up with passed and I made the scariest decision of my life.
I know have 3 lovely brothers and their mother has welcomed me.
I've met them and other family members. It answered a lot of questions and I do not regret it at all.
Sadly most family on my mother's side cut me off and never gave me a chance to explain why I looked.
I did it for me and I don't regret it one bit.
One of the most intense and emotional things I have ever done.
Seeing a photo of him when i was 45 was amazing.
I guess my family feel I was disrespectful to my mum etc but it doesn't change how much I lover them just filleda very large hole.
I know your situation is different but I say go for it. Maybe a 3rd party agency might be good way.

Maybe set up a new Facebook account so you don't give all your details away straight away if you do decide to message.

I'd definitely make contact, but not in reference to your deceased DGF. Although I haven't been in your situation. Good luck.

I made contact with my birth mother 18 years ago, when I was 37. I wrote a very careful letter saying we met many years ago in X location and it would be lovely to get back in touch - to anyone else reading the letter they would probably have guessed that I was an old school friend but there was enough detail for her to know exactly who it was from.

I think it's really important to give her the choice to get in contact (or not) as you don't know the circumstances of your birth or her life then and now. For me it was positive and we have a fantastic relationship (she arrives on Sunday for a week!) but it doesn't always turn out well. If you have any doubts there are counsellors and charities who can advise you or contact her on your behalf.

Good luck and feel free to ask any questions.

I have a good friend who went through something very similar.

She always knew she was adopted but never wanted to find her bio parents. When her mother (adoption) passed away, my friend decided to try and find her bio mother.

Basically her bio mother didn't want to know. My friend found her on FB also and messaged her. Maybe not the best way to make initial contact. Her bio mother explained that nobody knew about the birth, that her (my friend) showing up now would wreck her bio mothers family. My friend was told in no uncertain terms to stay away.

She was knocked for six. Still is hurting from the rejection. I think she had built up some sort of tv movie fantasy about running into her bio mothers arms and finding her "true" family.

Just be careful. As cold as it sounds, you have no idea what lead up to your bio mother putting you up for adoption or even if she has ever told anybody.

Whatever you decide. For her sake and yours, DO NOT make contact with anybody but her in the first instance.

dont do it. i had an awful experience.

Only make contact with her and her alone and then leave it to her (and her alone) if she wants to establish contact with you. For all you know her (current) family may have no idea you exist and this could cause her lots of issues which I am sure she won't thank you for.

Hope it goes well for you.

A friend of mine found her bio dad (not an adoption per se, her Mum had cheated and she was the result) and tried to make contact and he didn’t want to know. At all.

Be prepared for a flat out “F off” if your bio parent feels you’d screw her current life up. I imagine there are a lot more unhappy endings to this sort of situation than the fairytale / long lost family reunion type you might be hoping for.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I'm not sure if any of my bio family know about me. Bio mum had my older brother at age 16 and me at age 18. My (adoptive) aunt tells me that nobody knew about us. Bio mum apparently kept both pregnancies a secret and gave birth in hospital alone. Apparently her parents would have disowned her if they had known. I don't know how true this is, but I really don't want to cause problems for anyone. I'm definitely not expecting a fairytale ending either!

@TheNinjaWife I found out who my bio mum was by getting my birth cert/reading my adoption file. That's also how I found out about my bio brother. The DNA didn't link me to anyone in the family (bar a few 3rd cousins), that was just a catalyst for doing a bit more digging. I found bio DGF's obituary and that linked to bio aunts etc. With a few more names, it was easy to find everyone on Facebook.

I was also thinking about contacting my bio brother. He was also adopted at birth. I know his adoptive name and his D.O.B. Should be fairly easy to find him.. then I can find out if he's made contact with bio mum and what the outcome was.

Again, I'm worried though because what if he doesn't know about the adoption, just like I didn't.

The advice I would give as a adoption researcher and also a intermediary and husband who was adopted in the 60's is this never make direct contact always use intermediary and take things slowly I could give many horror stories and many happy endings but in my experience the first contact is always the most important if there is any pointers I can give or any questions I am happy to help

I think it would be better to use an intermediary too than approach directly. They are skilled at wording letters and making careful approaches. After adoption offer this service as do other agencies, they may also be unwilling to make an approach so soon after a bereavement and suggest waiting. It will make it move at a much slower pace and protect everyone involved. Have you registered on the Adoption Contact register? That would be a good place to start. Good luck.

I'm a birth mother and I'm counting down the days until my first born comes looking for me, it will be one of the happiest days of my life if it happens. I think about him every day

I also discovered earlier in the year that I have an older sibling who my DM was coerced into giving up for adoption by her parents when she was young. DM has been carrying the guilt and grief around with her for decades so is absolutely over the moon that he's found her and wants to know her. We're developing a lovely relationship and I'm so happy he came looking but not as much as my DM is. She's so so happy.

These are just my experiences and there's no way of knowing how your bio family will respond so an intermediary service making the first move on your behalf is definitely the best way to proceed (this is how my dbro contacted DM). They were wonderful and acted as a go between until everybody felt ready to talk and meet in person.

I wish you the very best of luck

Get professional advice. I am adopted, I contacted my real mother through a third party intermediary but it was easier in a way as she is no longer in Uk. Initially she said she wanted contact, then she changed her mind.

However, getting back to your situation, I strongly recommend that you speak to one of the adoption charities providing an intermediary service regarding your brother as if he does not know then far from being pleased to find you he might be destroyed to know his "parents" lied.

This is a good organisation to take advice from:

www.pac-uk.org/about/

I'm adopted. Found out in a stupid fucked up way but that's by the by. Haven't made contact and I'm not planning to, for a very simple reason. My birth mother had more than 30 years to make contact. She knew who adopted me and where we lived,where my adoptive mother worked . Her SIL lived across the street from us for a while. She never made contact. If she wanted to she could. So why would I waste time, energy and mental headspace ?