Advice needed please

[vinoblanco1]

Not sure where to start..this might be quite long so apologies in advance.

I'm going through an incredibly tough time at the moment with some family matters so I haven't quite been myself lately but I don't think I have conveyed this in any other way than being a bit quieter than usual.

My DP phoned me whilst at work saying that something had gone wrong and he was going to be home later than expected. He sounded really stressed and even said that he had just had a bit of bad road rage which is unusual for him. Anyway, fast-forward a few hours - I had put our sick DC to bed, made my dinner and I was trying to relax on the sofa. DP walked in and said that he'd had four pints because he was so angry and he apologised. I can't quite remember the details tbh but he was walking in and out of the kitchen and I mentioned to him about driving home and that I'd hoped he didn't drive back - this being something we've spoken about before and it upset me to think he would have driven home.

DP didn't like that I questioned him about driving home from the pub and suddenly flew into a fit of rage. He raised his voice, saying how I had a 'judgy' look on my face and how I should have welcomed him back with open arms. He went on to smash one of our kitchen cupboards and called me the C word! The whole time I was worrying about our poorly child and trying to get him to calm down.

Once he calmed down I explained to him how unacceptable his behaviour was and that If he'd carried on I would have grabbed DC and left. I also told him to take back the vile name he called me and his response was 'no because that's how you make me feel.'

This has never happened before and doesn't sync with his normal behaviour. I don't know whether he needs help or what the hell is going on. He didn't apologies the next day either and in fact told me that he'd arranged his Xmas party for the weekend that I'd asked him to babysit so I could go to a family party in honour of my Grandmother who passed away recently, he had originally told me that he wanted that weekend to rest because he's working away on Monday. To say I'm upset and disappointed is an understatement.

The fact you had to ask him to 'babysit' his own child is friggin' outrageous.
The fact he hasn't apologised is unacceptable.
The fact he won't let you go and remember your dearly departed GM is cruel beyond belief.
Is there somewhere you can go for a couple of days to just not be around him and get some headspace?

EVERYTHING hellsbellsmelons said.

This is classic abuse. He's saying it's YOUR fault he acted and spoke like a thug. He's also putting himself and others in danger by drunk driving. Unacceptable. You need space from him.

Thank you so much for the replies. I realised after writing it, how ridiculous it sounds - having to ask him to look after his own son for one night.

I agree that I need space from him because I can't think straight and I'm just being miserable and looosing my patience more around DC. Im going to go and stay at my parents but I know I'll struggle come Saturday night when my family are all at the party and knowing he's out drinking when he does this in the week anyway and I just need a break

Thank you again, it helps getting it out!

I'm glad you can go to your parents.
You need some help, love and support right now.
How old is your DC?
Could you take her/him to the party with you?
Would everyone like to see them and have a hug?

Thank you hellsbells. I agree with you too - I am feeling rather weak at the moment, I hate admitting that I'm feeling a bit down and unhappy but I am and I am craving support and love. I was brought up to show love and support, particularly when somebody's going through something awful in their life so I just don't understand why he isn't - he was brought up well and educated.

Unfortunately my DC has a rather colourful personality and being tired and somewhere he doesn't know would be stressful for me. But thank you for the suggestion.

OP

I hate when contributors read a lot into a post and cause unnecessary concern for the poster. However it stands out for me that you have said his behaviour was out of character. So I think you need to find out what happened that day. Because it doesn't sound like he has told you.
That's usually the first thing somebody does when they get that upset. As far as i read he has said something about his own road rage, but what caused it? I suspect it is important and there may be a reason he is not telling you. Was there also a reason you didn't ask?

Plus he suddenly has something to do at the weekend, when he was going to rest?

Put your spider senses on alert

A while back on mumsnet, I read a post that said when a man hits an inanimate object - wall, door, cupboard, etc - and smashes it in a rage, what they are actually saying is "this could be you that I'm smashing, so behave yourself".

He has threatened you with violence, even though he hasn't done so explicitly.

Please take some time and think about why you should put up with this threat.

Hi Lemon - sorry I should have said because I did find out in the end what happened and it was all because he had to make a round-trip that took him four hours because he left something at the original postcode he was working at and had to go back and get it, to then come back home. He says that he thought he would be finishing early and he'd planned to relieve me from our poorly one year old for a few hours. That all sounds really sweet but like I said to him, he totally ruined that by coming home and going crazy. He also could have come straight come but he decided to go to the pub and have four pints instead because he was so angry (he said).

Weekend is definitely a work thing because he's the boss and I know that it's the only date this side of Xmas they can all do which I still cannot excuse particularly because they go to the pub on a weekly basis anyway - when do I get to go to the pub

Thanks OP

Put another way, he was supposed to come home early but was in fact 4 hours late and then went to the pub. Because he left something behind. Which he could have picked up the next day or sent some-one else to get or had it sent to him by courier.

His behaviour was a distraction to stop you questioning why he didn't come home early. Probably because he wanted to go to the pub when his kid was sick. And he now wants to go again on Saturday. He could just stick money behind the bar and send his apologies. Its not a big function he can't miss.

Go to your family dinner and ask him to sort out a baby sitter

Hi Been - we must have Cross posted. That really frightens me but I know that it is probably true. I remember him saying to me as I was talking 'stop, you need to stop now,' which sounded a bit like an 'or else.' So he was shouting at me about how I was judging him, not supporting him or listening to him whilst I couldn't get a word in because he told me to 'stop talking' and I do remember at the time thinking he will probably hit me if I carry on. This just all seems so absurd to me. I just don't understand where this behaviour has suddenly come from? I know that this is how some of the guys that work from him behave but not him...I feel so lost and sad.

Well you made your plans first so he needs to sort out care for your child. Why is the default that you don't get to go?

But I'd be leaving him over drunk driving to be honest and all the rest of the abusive behaviour.