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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn’t know if he loves me anymore.

27 replies

Poppyred85 · 12/12/2018 10:59

That’s it really. He told me last night. He got angry about our puppy being a nuisance and in the heat of it said he was thinking about moving out. I asked if he was serious and he said yes. I asked if he still loves me and he said he doesn’t know. He told me he’s still attracted to me but our relationship is not right by couldn’t say more than that. He’s not very good at articulating his feelings. I asked how long he’d felt like this and he said a while but it all came to the fore last night. I asked if we could fix it or go to counselling and he said he didn’t know. He’s been treated for depression over the last year and was doing better but has been worse again the last couple of months. Things haven’t been great between us because of that. We’ve been together 13 years, married for 7 and have a nearly 6 year old ds.
My head is spinning and I’m in bits. We have agreed to talk about it tonight but I’m so worried he’s going to say it’s all over.

OP posts:
Heartland3 · 12/12/2018 11:36

Hi Poppy. I'm sending big hugs to you. That's a hard thing to hear especially when your DH can't be clear about exactly what he wants. Last night there were words spoken in anger and maybe tonight when you guys talk it will be more calm. Your DH has had all day to think about how he feels and what he wants so hopefully this evening will shed more light on the subject. I don't really have any advice other than to remember that if there is love there and you are both prepared to work at your relationship, I would fight for it! Take care xx

hellsbellsmelons · 12/12/2018 11:57

Is there any way he could be having an emotional or physical affair?
This is the typical cheaters line 'I love you but I'm not IN love with you' crap.
But, as he has depression it could be something else.
Is he medicated for his depression?
Is work stressful for him at the moment?

Dowser · 12/12/2018 12:53

Sounds like the crap my ex came out with
Everything started to make him angry..particularly my presence
Cherchez la femme
He was in the middle of an affair

Cut him loose and seat belt on for a rough ride.

pallasathena · 12/12/2018 17:58

Whatever you do, don't do the 'Pick Me', dance. Keep your dignity OP.

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/12/2018 18:03

Oh, I’m so sorry. My husband also said these exact words and 2 weeks later I found out he was having an affair.
I hope this isn’t the case with you and maybe this is his depression talking. Good luck tonight. My only advice is don’t beg him to stay if he has already left in his head x

Feckers2018 · 12/12/2018 18:07

My h said this and he had been cheating for years. You need to take control. I in hindsight should have said I don't want to be with you either then if that's how you feel so when are you leaving? Rather than hang around waiting for him to decide.
If you want him back/dignity then this is what you should do.

Orange6904 · 12/12/2018 18:10

Sorry op, must be really confusing :(

Any unusual behaviour lately, different with phone or going out more?

BackInTheRoom · 12/12/2018 19:55

Gosh, every post I see like this I roll my eyes🙄. I hope there isn't an OW. 💐

busybarbara · 12/12/2018 20:04

Definitely the cheaters script. He's 100% cheating in one form or another. People don't just fall out of love without a reason.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2018 20:15

Oh love, I'm so sorry.

But remember we cannot control another's feelings. What he feels is what he feels. We can only control our response. The best thing you can do now is maintain your dignity. No begging, no 'pick me dance'. Just a calm "If that's how you feel, how do you wish to proceed?".

Look to your own security first and foremost, but do it quietly. Look to separating finances if you have joint accounts and you are financially independent. Be sure you know the family finances and sources/amounts of income & expenditures. See a solicitor. No matter what he says tonight, see a solicitor. This is imperative.

And call someone. A friend, a family member. You need someone IRL who has your back.

fridayrain · 12/12/2018 20:18

Completely agree with @AcrossthePond55

Grobag369 · 12/12/2018 20:23

What across the pond said. Solicitor just to know what’s what, don’t have to act on anything yet. Takes time to find the person, book appointment etc.

SandysMam · 12/12/2018 20:26

Yep exact same line my ex used when playing away. Not brave enough to just admit so they try to make you think it’s something you’ve done to make them not love you anymore. Classic gaslighting bullshit. Sorry OP, you will get through it though, just get your ducks in a row.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 12/12/2018 20:27

It sucks but now you need to protect yourself and the kids. Separate out his stuff and only do housework for yourself and the children. He doesn't know is bullshit in that he probably is hedging his bets.
Don't be afraid to tell people, particularly this close to Christmas.

FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles · 12/12/2018 20:30

Oh OP I’m sorry but this is straight out of the ‘cheating bastard’s script’.

‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and variations of that theme are classic affair red flags.

Don’t bother trying to sort it out or win him over, tell him that if that’s the way he feels then he needs to fuck off. Then once he’s gone, check his emails and phone for OW and see a solicitor.

howtobehuman · 12/12/2018 20:47

If my partner took the advice from this thread we'd have been over a long time ago. I suffer from depression and have wanted to end our relationship many times. He's had lots of opportunities to walk away but he hasn't and we're still together and doing well despite the daily struggles. I know a lot of men have affairs but some don't, dig deeper before making that assumption.

howtobehuman · 12/12/2018 20:48

Ps I'm not a man, that may have not been clear!

FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles · 12/12/2018 20:53

I'm not a man

Well I think that’s key here really.

I’ve been on mumsnet under various different names for nearly ten years now (OMG let that sink in!) and I have never ever in all that time seen a thread where the OP’s DH/DP has pulled the ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you and I haven’t been happy for a while’ line and it’s not been an affair.

In ten years ive seen probably 1-200 threads about this and it’s been an affair. Every time.

howtobehuman · 12/12/2018 21:02

Oh

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 12/12/2018 21:40

I’m really sorry, Poppy, but my own thread on here seven years ago was called ‘He doesn’t love me anymore,’ and I was convinced (or he convinced me) I was to blame, but he was following ‘the script’ and there was anOW. It may not true in your case but please be suspicious at least.

His unhappiness that I was so concerned about was a mid-life crisis, boredom at all the responsibilities of being a husband and parent, fear of missing out on exciting, child free holidays etc. So he jumped at the chance of an affair and enjoys his child free 12 days a fortnight. Our DC are now adults or nearly so and he’s dropped his time with them from 3 nights to 1 per fortnight including time with our DS with SN.

Do try to detach for your own sanity and get your finances sorted out.

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/12/2018 21:44

Same with me. He was “unhappy” and made me feel like I was a terrible wife while allmthe time he was shagging someone 12 years younger.
Apparently when you’re 41, with two pre teen kids and a wife, a 28 year old with no kids is a much more attractive option. Who knew.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2018 02:47

Here we go. The infamous Script. You'd think these idiot men could be a little more original by now.

He's having an affair, op. I'm sorry.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 13/12/2018 08:12

If it's not an affair then he is gearing up for one and eyeballing 'candidates'.

SilverySurfer · 13/12/2018 15:05

Same as FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles I've been on here a lot of years and 99% of similar threads result in the man being in or just about to start an affair. It's really depressing that these men don't have the guts to tell the truth.

It will be painful but you have to be strong (even if you initially have to fake it) and you may want to tell him to leave for a couple of weeks to give you time to consider your position.

I wish you the very best.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2018 16:17

IMO, it doesn't really matter if there's an OW or not. Now, I'm not trying to ignore the hurt of being cheated on by any means, but the bottom line is that what matters is what a woman does when her DH/DP announces "I don't love you anymore" regardless of why he's saying it. To tear oneself apart wondering if there's an OW, or if there is wondering 'what's she got that I haven't' or 'what did I do wrong' just takes up energy that needs to be devoted to self-preservation.

As hard as it is (and I'm not justifying cheating) people do fall out of love. And marriages do end. It's unfortunate and it's painful for the injured party, but there it is. The best (and only) thing one can do is to try to maintain dignity and think very carefully about what's best for them (and DC, of course) and then find a way to make that happen.

Poppy's DH is a real prick for saying it the way he did. If someone is unhappy in their marriage, they should have the courage and honour (if one can use that word) to sit the other down and break it as gently as possible, in an 'it's not you, it's me' kind of way. And he should be able to tell her his plan to see that his family is taken care of.

My cousin's exH cheated on her. She found out accidentally and it shattered her. She said later that it would have been so much easier for her if he'd had the cojones to sit her down and simply end the marriage based on the fact that he didn't love her without the additional pain of knowing he'd cheated.