Starting to hate my OH's family, am I in the wrong?

[JLee12]

Wasn't sure where to post this so apologies if it's in the wrong place.

So my story starts off with meeting my partner, everything was great, I moved into his family's home, which was lovely, everything seemed really perfect.

Then slowly I start seeing patterns with his family, for every day for a year (no exaggeration) his sister and mother would constantly talk about his ex girlfriend like she was a goddess, but then they'd slag her off in the next sentence, and it made me feel like I was constantly being compared to her. But I dealt with it, told my OH about how it made me feel and the talk died down with his family, great.

Then I started hearing rumours, I don't tend to pay any attention to them because they are simply rumours, but there was one particular one that stood out to me. I heard that apparently I had faked a pregnancy test because I was jealous of his sister falling pregnant. I laughed it off when I heard about it, but it really bugged me, because we had been trying to conceive with no luck for 2 years, so why would anyone in their right mind fake a test?! But again I got over it.

We moved out into our own flat a few months ago and the longer I'm away from his family the more I see how much they interfere and stick their noses where they're not wanted.

His mother will call me occasionally and critisize how I care for her son. For example, he's not eating enough, he's weak etc etc etc. Bearing in mind he is 25 so he's quite capable of caring for himself.

The longer I spend away from them the more I realise how much I despise his family, yes I will be civil for his sake and I would never stop him seeing his family. But the stuff they have said behind my back etc is just ridiculous and it makes me feel like I'm back at school. I have tried to talk to my partner about some of it but at the same time that is still his family and I don't want to make him feel stuck in the middle. So I avoid them as much as I can.

There is a whole lot more to this story that what I have mentioned above, however I'd be here for days writing it down and I'm just looking for some advice.

Talking to his family is not an option, I might add because they will find any excuse usually 'depression' for their behaviour. And will never own up to their actions or consequences of these actions.

It's just the way that they are being is making me not want to be with my partner anymore. Obviously I'm not going to ask him if he would choose or anything like that but I don't want to ruin a perfectly good relationship over another person's family, however I sit there and think could I do this for the rest of my life? And the answer is always no.

I'm just at a crossroads and really need some sensible advice

Thanks

You have to speak plainly to them and to your partner. They may not even realise what they're doing, some people are totally insensitive to the feelings of others.

Have your own life apart from the family, only see them when you have to. I'm glad you have your own flat now. Living with family is not easy.

Thank you for the reply, living with family definitely isn't easy. I feel like talking to his family especially will get me nowhere.

I will try to talk to him but he does tend to get on the defense about his family

I am not particularly close to them but I don't have any issues with my in-laws. If I did, then it isn't something I would invest my mental energy on. I just would limit my time with them, just because I am married and the female, it doesn't mean I am "in charge" of our familial relationships. So my advice, don't worry about it. You are not going to like everyone in the world.

I would add. Even if I didn't like his family, I cannot see any reason why I need to tell him.

I would have confronted them about the faking pregnancy rumor! I would have been furious!

If MIL complains about you not looking after him, remind her that it is 2018 not 1950 and her son is a grown man who is capable of looking after himself.

Reduce contact and call them out on their bullshit!

Are his parents particularly old or is there some other cultural thing going on that means his mum thinks you should he taking care of her son?
I would just limit contact. How much contact do you currently have? But definitely discuss with your DP how things will work if you have a DC because they may be very interfering and overbearing and things can get worse when you bring grandkids into the mix....

There's some odd people around OP and you can't avoid them completely.
I adopt a light, bright and breezy approach when negotiating my way around the loons of this world.
Detach mentally. They're not essential to your wellbeing.

Don't take calls from his mum and avoid time alone with her.

I would also respond with "I'll let him know you think he's weak and that I'm not looking after him" or "has he told you that I'm mistreating him?"

Better still... "Perhaps we can all get together and you talk directly to him about your concerns regarding him looking weak"

Are you from a non western culture?

My OH is disabled, not in a wheelchair just a physical disability that can make certain tasks hard for him, which is why his mother feels the need to criticise everything when it comes to his care.

I try to have as little contact as possible but at the moment it seems to be that they're contacting at least 4-5 times a week if not more, I ignore most calls or video calls and put it down to myself being asleep or not hearing the phone.

As much as I would love to approach them about the pregnancy rumour there is honestly no point, as they will deny they even said it and then the rumour will come around again, so it's best to just ignore it from now on.

And I am from a western culture

I believe I have replied to everyone's questions.

I would like to add though, thank you all for your replies, I shall try to talk to my OH later today and see what he thinks, although I don't think he's completely innocent in all this no doubt he has said some things about me either being out of context or direct due to an argument ect and his family have obviously thrived off whatever he may have said and twisted it completely in their favour

I have the same, been with my husband 12 years now and exactly the same as you, except now they wont have anything to do with me, for whatever reason (it changes every week) so they won't speak to me or come to the house ever! My husband used to take the kids round to them while I pottered about doing whatever but it all came to a head in October when they refused to come to our youngests birthday just because I was there (obviously, where else would I be?!) And they didn't want to pretend for a couple of hours for the sake of our 8 year old son! He got no happy birthday wish or anything so my husband had words, the same thing happened last month for my daughter's birthday and we have gone no contact as of last week when he asked them if they were going to bother with Xmas and they told him he'd chosen me over them. Dh went ballistic at their behaviour cause all I've ever done over the years is go out of my way for them but I'm not good enough, his ex was the one they wanted him to marry even though they'd been apart 3 years before we even met! So I know what you're going through and like in my case it's never got any better but I haven't let it bother me.

That all sounds very difficult to deal with. I honestly think if they've nothing pleasant to say to you, you should block them.

Discuss with your OH the impact this is having on you and that in the interests of your mental health, you're thinking that preventing these calls would give you some breathing space.

My OH is disabled, not in a wheelchair just a physical disability that can make certain tasks hard for him, which is why his mother feels the need to criticise everything when it comes to his care.

I suppose this bit of information makes it a little bit more understandable why his mother is worried about him and how he is eating etc, she probably saw herself as his carer before he moved out. Obviously he's a grown man but as a mother myself, if one of my kids were disabled I'd probably worry about them alot when they moved out.

I think the best you can do is try and limit contact with them as much as possible. Tell you partner to call them back if they call you for example, let him deal with them

There is no need to be in continual communication with your OHs family. You're also under no obligation to spend time with them. Your partner needs to manage (and facilitate) his relationship with his family. Take a massive step back to redraw a boundary.

As others have said, don't see his family on your own, screen all calls and redirect all enquiries/comments back to your partner. Be firm with what you will tolerate and expect from them.

His family contact you 4-5 times a week? That's pretty suffocating. What do they have to say that often?
You or your DP needs to tell them to calm it a bit. There isn't really any need to contact you. At all. Doesn't sound like you're chummy or anything.

How old are you and how long did you live with them? Do they still see you both as children who need checking up on?

From what you've posted, it seems a bit strong to hate them.
The discussions about his ex - they were rude and disrespectful to you. Your OH put a stop to it.
The pregnancy rumour - how do you know it was them?
The accusations about you jot properly looking after him - are you his registered career? Was his mum? She's probably finding it a bit difficult coming to terms with him moving out and her not being able to baby him. Give her time, hopefully she'll get used to it.
The constant calls - again, she's used to seeing him and you every day so is adjusting. You should kindly tell her that you're too busy to talk every day, but perhaps she'd like to come over for a catch up on Saturday?
Try to see her point of view. And she should try to see yours. Neither of you should put your OH in the middle and make him feel like he has to make a choice.

If you can't face the idea of them being a feature of the rest of your life, then you best end the relationship. They're unlikely to change and confrontation may make them more antagonistic.

If your dp is willing to stand up for you and run interference between you, it's possible you could make it work - but you really sound like you don't like them and you don't sound sure that he has your back. If they're using stuff he's said about you against you, then you have a dp problem and it really won't work.