I'm an only child. I'm 34. My parents married young, although I did not come along until mum was 26. They divorced when I was 9.
My childhood prior to 9 is mostly happy memories. I do remember some arguments, but not regularly.
My memories of my parents are of hard working parents, always working, but not to my detriment as my mum was a teacher and at age 5 I went to her school (I did my reception year at a different school). This meant mum was very involved in parenting me. Dad was home every night and would play games and watch tv with me.
After they separated, things became incredibly difficult. Both parents behaved badly, and I can understand why they did. My dad started sleeping with a teacher at mum's school. This forced my mum in to leaving, thus meaning I too had to leave as we didn't live by the school.
Mum's career went from strength to strength after that, and she eventually became a head teacher a few years later.
Me? I rejected my Dad for some time, because I hated my new school. I hated the other children, not having my mum around, and suddenly being home alone every day for 2-3 hours. I never fitted in to the new school, which then left residual difficulties when moving to secondary school. I didn't enjoy high school, and was bullied regularly because I didn't really fit in.
By 16, I was pregnant. I didn't go off the rails. I simply wanted a family of my own. After I had my son, I then went on to significantly improve my life, with a small amount of support from my parents. I am university educated and have a mortgage. I am aware I had quite a lot of academic potential, but that having a child at 16 limited that. I could have had more earning potential than I do now. But I am still well paid and do well in life.
But where I still struggle is that my parents are not emotionally avaliable to me. I am trying to understand why. My mum lives a few miles away. I see her maybe 4/5 times a year. I last saw her in the summer holidays. Contact is limited - some of those visits will be her coming to my house for 1 hour. She will do the visit arranging. If I ask, she is too busy to see me. So I've learned to just leave it to her.
Ringing her is generally discouraged unless by pre arrangement via text. Examples of phone calls unannounced are "what do you want" snapped at me when she picks up the phone.
My dad is now retired and has been for 4 years. He spent 19 years prior to that living in Switzerland to avoid maintenance payments. He moved back to the UK, but 5 hours away. He now lives between here, with spending 3 months a year in his Switzerland home. He also spends approx 3 months a year on holiday.
My dad is more amenable to phone calls, but as he is often away, and he isn't of the mobile phone generation, he is difficult to get hold of. I never know if he is in the UK or not. I see him once a year around new year. Occasionally there will be a visit in between. Again, visits are all on his terms, and any discussion of me visiting him is never convenient.
The biggest problem with both parents, but more so my mum, is that I am not allowed to be upset. I am not allowed to call them if something has happened, and I would like some emotional support. My mum once said to me, when I was going through a separation (as in I had just rung her to inform her but my voice cracked whilst telling her) "why do you do this to me? Do you never think about how I feel?" Like somehow she becomes the one it's all about? I can not tell her I am upset as this will affect her?!
My dad's emotional unavailability is most down to his lack of contact. He is difficult to get hold of. Text and email doesn't reach him beyond maybe once a week whan he turns his mobile on. But again, he is cold. He doesn't understand why I would be upset that I found out my husband cheated on me, and that I found out on my wedding day. I should just accept it and never cry or even express that I am devastated.
I must stress, I have probably had 7/8 occasions in the last 16 years where I have just wanted a hug from my parents, some kind words, and the freedom to talk to someone. It's not a weekly issue!
Why are my parents so seemingly cold, and detached? I'm a parent, and none of it is logical to me. But I am not them. I need more than just my own thoughts to try and pinpoint how loving parents, created such a fractured relationship with me. As my nan said to me recently, "I don't understand how two parents who fought over you so bitterly, and loved you so much, could be so uninterested now". That was from my dad's mother. 😔
She is right. That is essentially what has happened. Neither parent is interested in my life, or that of my children. Neither parent encourage a relationship, and actually discourage contact except on their own terms.
My parents aren't bad people. So I can only come to the conclusion that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.