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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm grumpy, down and sad.

23 replies

Hopskipjumping · 11/12/2018 21:45

I feeling really down, not sure whether I need to pull myself together and appreciate what I have or if I'm justified in ffeeling this way.

For 2 years I was a sahm with my two sons 2&6. 12 months ago our relationship went downhill for many reasons. Over the last 12 months he has lied to me, had different standards for me and him and been generally irresponsible.

So I took the decision to return to work 3 months ago even though we don't have to financially. So I work Monday to Friday 8-5pm. I come home and cook dinner. Come home for lunch to do washings otherwise it won't get done.

He works from home and I ask him to put dinner on, literally stick something in the oven, he says he can't. Everything is done half arsed by him.

He sometimes goes abroad to work and just came home after 3 weeks away. I continued to work full time, plan xmas and sons birthday and he done nothing.

One night he stayed up til 7am partying in his hotel room. It pisses me off no end. I feel nothing but resentful to him. I try to allocate jobs or responsibility and he just doesn't step up.

If I forget my sons school snack, he'll go hungry. If I forget its non school uniform day, hell miss out. He takes zero responsibility.

My sex drive is zero. I literally don't want him near me.

Im up at 6am every morning. Im fed up. I can't not have this job as I don't want to rely on him. Last Christmas he went his work night out and came home at 8am. At least if it happens now I wont need to accept it.

But is it really that bad. Not sure if I just don't realise how lucky I am. I miss my kids so somuch it hurts yet I can't take advantage of his income and raise them as I cant trust him to be responsible.

He says im so grumpy and need to cheer up but how would anyone feel with the pressure of washings, shopping for food, caring for kids, organising the whole of xmas for everyone, working. All he does is work, ofcourse I wouldd be happy if that was me!!

OP posts:

Lozzerbmc · 11/12/2018 23:08

Hello everything falls to mum doesnt it! I totally understand but your DH doesnt seem to be very supportive at all. As you are ok financially why dont you get a cleaner? Or reduce hours at work to feel less stressed.
Do you want to stay with him? You’re clearly unhappy - can you resolve issues?

user1484424013 · 12/12/2018 09:25

Book a few days off in new year and tell him work are sending you away and l3ave him to do everything.

Arrange a night out and come home at 7am. Even if you just book a hotel and chill what do you give a shit just do it. He is a twat and a man child.

Just do it

littlepotatoes · 12/12/2018 09:29

I would start using the money you would have needed from him if you weren't working , to start outsourcing a lot of the chores. Don't use your wages if you can help it as it sounds like you may need to save as much as you can in case you decide to leave. Get a cleaner, maybe an au pair if you've got the room, or just a "mother's help" (hate that term), and reassess how you feel when some of the pressure is off. Good luck

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 12/12/2018 10:17

I recently got a cleaner and it is a help but withI two young kids it feels like its never enough. That with washing and ironing cooking shopping. Maybe its the time of year as theres so much to think about.

He is in a senior management role and earns 3x as much as me so maybe I should excuse it based on his financial contributions and I did for years until I was two kids in and he seemingly continued his partying ways.

Its my mums birthday and we are going for dinner. Realistically I coukd stay with my mum but I miss the kids as it is and seeing them on the sunday means to me than teaching him a lesson.

I leave whn the kids are sleeping and come home with 1.5 hours til bedtime. Realistically I need to cut my hours but im worried how it looks for me, if ill regret it in the future, if my boss will allow it. Ive only been here a couple of months and already can't cope.

OP posts:

IRanSoFarAway · 12/12/2018 10:19

OP I work part time, DH works full time, we both work shifts. He still manages to look after the children, getting them ready for school, feeding them, preparing packed lunches etc. He also does house work, cleaning, hoovering etc.
It sounds like your H is already living like a single man, maybe it should be made official. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him. Why was he partying till 7am? It would be okay if it was occasional but he seems to be away a lot.
Hope your situation gets better whatever you decide to do but I couldn't put up with this.

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 12/12/2018 10:24

He does get the dressed in the morning and feed them breakfast so I'll give him that. My mum drops them off at school and nursery. Then he works from home. Its more the mental loaf he struggles with. He doesn't see a washing needing put away, etc. He needs told to do anything.

Who knows why he parties til that time. I certainly don't feel the need. I used to not mind it but then found him lying about where he was, who hr was with and deleting group chats and its ruined everything.

Now I feel angry and resentful and worried whn he does it. This year hes done it I would expect between 6-10 times.

OP posts:

Spaghettijumper · 12/12/2018 10:27

Apart from money, what does your husband bring to the relationship? It sounds like he uses you as a free maid and nanny and doesn't give a shit how you feel.

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB.

Dump the husband - at least then you'll get some time on your own while he has the children.

Spaghettijumper · 12/12/2018 10:34

In the meantime, if you wash his clothes, tidy up after him, do any jobs for him that he can do himself, stop. You are not his slave.

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 12/12/2018 10:36

He does genuinely love me and our family. If I complain, as I have been recently he will give it all. He would try to do anything to make me happy. He would support me financially for anything I wanted. He sees me struggling and says he will support me and its tempting because I miss being an active role in my kids lifes. But he put his own needs first a lot too. Its so confusing.

He says im a perfectionist and tells me not everything needs to be done right now. But my argument is why not do it now cos tomorrow there will be double work to do otherwise.

OP posts:

Spaghettijumper · 12/12/2018 10:39

He will do anything to make you happy? Except actually do his share of the work?

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 12/12/2018 10:45

The other day I go home for lunch to do washings and he asks me to put on his lunch. I was having soup, him pasta. I say no too busy and he gets angry.

After work I go to boots to collect a parcel fir him. Get in later than usual ask if he has made an effort to put dinner on just put oven on put fish in. He gets angry due to the way I speak to him apparently and said to stop expecting anything from him. Hes working. Fair enough but he works constant on his laptop. Im sure if he wantrd he could put dinner on.

OP posts:

Honeybee79 · 12/12/2018 11:14

Hmm. He sounds lazy and unreasonable. You have done the right thing to go back to work as you may need some financial independence further down the line.

I think you need to have a conversation with him and give him some very specific weekly tasks that are his responsibility going forwards. If he refuses then if his salary permits then ask that he pay for more help out of it - eg a housekeeper.

And book yourself a weekend away with a friend/alone to try and rest and recharge, and have a think.

IRanSoFarAway · 12/12/2018 11:16

Ehh, you are working too, even on your lunch break you are doing housework!! He expects you to make his lunch, why is he not making your lunch when he is at home? Agree you should at least stop doing stuff for him, he has told you himself you should not expect anything from him.

Spaghettijumper · 12/12/2018 11:37

Your posts are confusing - in one you said he'd do anything for you and in another you said he gets angry if you don't serve him his lunch and he won't put fish in the oven. He sounds like he doesn't give a shit about you.

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 12/12/2018 11:40

I guess he talks a good talk?

I don't know he says all the right things which make mr feel like he truly cares. In reality its different.

OP posts:

Spaghettijumper · 12/12/2018 11:45

Words mean nothing really - it's the actions that count. He may say he loves you but his actions say he has no respect at all for you.

category12 · 12/12/2018 12:00

What's the point of him? You might as well be a single parent.

RyderWhiteSwan · 12/12/2018 12:02

You go home at lunchtimes to do the washing? You've made a rod for you own back here. Nothing changes unless change is made.

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 12/12/2018 12:43

I put a washing on in the morning go home at lunch, hang it up & take dry stuff down then put it away in the evening before bathtime. If I dont im overwhelmed with mountains of washing to either go in machine or go in drawers.

Although I couldn't go home at lunch and can guarantee he won't have touched it.

OP posts:

Spaghettijumper · 12/12/2018 13:04

Why would he touch the washing when he has a slave to do it for him?

Original poster

Hopskipjumping · 12/12/2018 13:09

Well because I expect him not to treat me like a slave. I expect him to share the workload. My only alternative is that I leave it but all that will happen is the kids wont have clean school clothes and we will have a mountain to deal with.

Thats the annoying thing - that he won't just take responsibility. He said if he lived alone he'd do it when he felt like. If he lived alone he wouldn't mind living in a mess. So since I want it then I do it.

OP posts:

Spaghettijumper · 12/12/2018 13:11

Of course you expect him not to treat you like a slave. But he still treats you like a slave.Because he has no respect for you whatsoever.

I don't think you should leave the washing I think you should leave him.

category12 · 12/12/2018 13:15

Why would you expect him not to when you let him?

Stop doing his washing.

Why don't you give him his wish and let him live alone?

He says nice things sometimes, but he doesn't live up to them. He actually treats you like crap. Says sweet things and lets you struggle.
He "gets angry" to keep you in line.
He lies and hides what he's up to when he's out.

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