Unreasonable?

[serialtester]

Whatever the dynamics - 21st Birthday of a child you'd expect both parents to make an effort?

This is not a reverse and I am not the child.

Different people have different priorities. Can't make one person see things the same way as you, so no point repining.

Not always. Some do v little for adults. Some do nothing at all. Some do at 18th.

Why do you care?

Depends on the relationship of the child with parents, what the child wants, family dynamics, finances, priorities...loads of things.

Does a 21 year old even want their parents involved in their 21st?

Nope. I would expect them to make the same effort as any normal birthday but for the 21 year old to probably want a bigger blow out than usual with friends. It's not actually an important birthday like 18, but it is a good reason to get pissed and that's what I remember most people's 21 year birthday celebrations being.

If it was the child's father ( sorry for the drip feed) I'm raging. No present at all just a social media message?!

Depends. If the father sees them they might give a present at another time.

Why are you raging?

For further clarification I'm the mother - have arranged gifts. Her father (we're together) had to be reminded that it was her 21st today. I'm really angry.

It's up to him what he does. 21yr old is an adult, they can manage their own relationship with their father.

Oh, I was thinking you must be estranged.

Has your dp ever done much for her birthday, or is it always you?

I must say he sounds a very disengaged father if he doesn’t even remember his own child’s significant birthday. Is he normally so uninterested in his family, OP?

So it's fine for my "DH" to completely opt out of his childs birthday??

Has he always been like this

No it's not fine, but when I was thinking you were separated, I was thinking it's utterly no point raging about what he does or doesn't do.

Has he ever done much for her birthdays?

I've always done family celebrations etc - but to have nothing to do with or not recognise/remember his child's 21st has upset me.

There was no input into present buying and he had to be reminded today of the birthday.

Is he always so disengaged from family life?

DS's 21st was a big deal but DH isn't involved in the gift buying or party organising process. I only involve DH if I need his area of expertise.

My children are younger but so far my DH is if not equally certainly actively involved in their birthdays and I would be disappointed by anything less.

Yes as 21 she might not want to 'celebrate' with her parents (although why not I don't get) but for him not to make a big deal about it is a shame. IMO a birthday of your child is a special day for you too.

If he has always left the emotional and physical labour of family celebrations up to you then I think he is very lazy and unreasonable for that, but you can't reasonably expect him to change his ways for one birthday. Fwiw, my own father is similar but expects everyone to be terribly grateful (to him) for all the work my mother puts in.