Feeling taking for granted

[bugaboobee]

I don't want to post this in AIBU because it is mainly about my relationship and I need a little advice/perspective.
My husband is a good person and will do his fair share around the house and with our dc so I've no complaints there however he rarely makes an effort with our relationship and I've noticed in the last while it's getting worse.
It's come to a head today as it's our wedding anniversary and whilst we agreed we wouldn't do presents being so close to Christmas we did agree to celebrate it on the day. Both of us were off work so we went for breakfast this morning which was nice but he spent most of his time on his phone (Facebook, sports pages) I then told him I was planning on cooking us a nice 3 course meal and we'd get dc to bed a bit early so we could have a glass of wine and watch a movie just something to mark the occasion. Dc went to bed at 7 and I went to cook dinner which took 30 mins but in those 30 minutes he was fast asleep on the couch. I know it's not a big deal he fell asleep but now he's not in form for a big dinner and doesn't want any wine so I feel it's pointless even opening the bottle now. I'm so sick of being the one putting so much thought into doing nice things for him and wish he'd put a little effort in to plan something too. He manages to stay awake when he goes out with his friends doesn't come home to 3am but can't even stay awake past 7pm to have a meal and glass of wine with me on our anniversary. Im now the person who's ruined our anniversary by getting upset. I'm not looking for grand gestures just somebody who appreciates the effort I've made and reciprocate once in a while. We can't go out much as dc are very young and we don't have babysitters available so I've always tried to re-create date night at home as I feel it's important but maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself? Any advice please

I think going out for breakfast and a three course meal is a bit much in one day

Maybe he's tired from work

Sounds crap, OP. He could at least have put his phone down at breakfast. Would have been nice if he'd helped you cook the meal, poured the wine, cut up some veg or something, washed up. He's not making any effort at all.

What's the rest of the relationship like?

@bigchris he wasn't in work today he has a few days off. He was out with his friends Saturday night and was tired on Sunday and I told him go to the spare room to get a good night sleep.

How long have you been married? It seems that sometimes people take their other halves for granted over years and years and forget to occasionally spoil their partner. I would be upset if my OH was on his phone during a special meal and would tell him what was. When you are feeling less upset maybe have a sit down with him and explain why you were upset and see what he comes back with. You are still dating even as husband and wife and need to feel special. It’s not too much to ask - it’s the way it should be especially on your anniversary. He was probably tired but he could have made more effort.

We've been together 12 years @Kong5891 but only married for 3. When we first met we would spend stupid money on each other's presents for birthdays Christmas ect and write soopy personal messages on cards ect. We don't have the same money we did then as kids and the house come first but even now he writes my cards "to wifey love from hubby xxx"

Well that’s nice OP I’m sure that you love each other very much. I just think that sometimes life gets in the way and we have so many distractions such as our phones!

I would definitely have a chat about how he acted and how it made you feel and how you can avoid it the future. I wouldn’t have a go at him about falling asleep though. Make a pact to go on a date night once a month where no phones are allowed, I think we are all guilty of getting our phones out during meals but if it’s throughout the whole meal they’d not on. I’m only 18 months into my relationship so we are still buying each other things etc but this does die down a bit over the years it seems. I was in a ten year relationship and it definitely got like that a dcwe had to work on it. He did make tea every night though and bought me flowers occasionally.

Yes, I can relate to this. In the end you stop trying. You can't be bothered. Go google 'bids for attention' by John Gottman.....