Hi all,
Not really sure what I'm asking for here so sorry for rambling but I had a bit of a strange time of it in my late teens and still feel quite upset when I remember it.
When I was 18, I lived with a boyfriend as I'd left home very young. When I split up from him, I moved in with friends but one girl in the group took a real dislike and caused problems so that I ended up leaving and had no friends left.
I was raped twice by 2 different men, one time much more violently than the other and didn't really have anyone to tell. I didn't even think of telling the police as I was so ashamed.
I didn't feel good enough to make more friends and felt too damaged and 'other' to relate to my nice course mates so spent most of my free time (I was studying) with men.
I met a some older men and accepted an invitation to go for a drink. This led to me getting quite drunk and having sex with one of them, then being essentially 'passed around' the others. This went on for some months, I would meet them and have sex with whoever was there. I did consent but hardly normal behaviour. I felt dead inside but tried to impress them by being nonchalant about whatever they asked me to so, and imitating porn actresses. I don't know for sure but suspect that money may have changed hands. I was (like most 18 year olds) a beautiful young woman and some of these meetings with strangers were at expensive hotels or flats.
They weren't that kind to me when not having sex, at times criticising my clothes and appearance. I would often be left in a lot of pain. These guys were mostly late twenties to forties.
I know it was consensual and my fault for getting involved, I wasn't a child, but I still feel very uncomfortable about this period. Whilst I went along with it voluntarily, I felt completely isolated during this time and wasn't really sure how to stop the promiscuous behaviour. Thankfully I was always careful about condoms and have been tested since. I suppose I am also lucky that this was just before mobile phone cameras were everywhere.
Ever since, I have never felt as good as anyone else and have very low confidence feeling that I am dirty and have done bad things.
I have got a new boyfriend who loves me. I feel I should tell him about my past, the in total 3 rapes (It happened again when I was 20, someone I knew through work). I try my best to make sex as good as possible for him but know that sometimes I break down during sex as it triggers bad memories. This hasn't happened yet with him.
I dont know if or how to tell him about the other men too. I'm not Sure if they did anything wrong but what I did has affected me and I will never feel good enough because of it. I don't know how any man would take knowing this. I have never discussed it in real life. Do I just accept I made some bad decisions and try to forget or should I tell someone if they are a partner? Suppose it's just something I needed to get out somehow.
So sorry if the rape part has upset anyone.
Thanks for reading x