Working out what’s fair in a split if I leave

[footballmum]

I’m planning on having a serious conversation with DH after Christmas about the future of our marriage. He’s a good man and a wonderful father but we are such different people and as we and the children grow older those differences are becoming more pronounced. He’s an introvert and I’m an extrovert and I want more to life than just sitting at home in front of screens. I still love him but I’m not yet 50 and the thought of another 20 to 30 years of this is intolerable. I feel like I’m living half a life.

Whilst I hope the talk will make him realise how serious I am I think there’s a real possibility that he won’t want to make any changes and will be relieved at the future without needing another person emotionally dependent on him. I am as confident as I can be that if this were to happen we’d be able to achieve an amicable split. I appreciate I may be hugely naive in this respect!

So in terms of what’s fair, I’d appreciate some advice on what I should propose. We have two DS’s both still at secondary school. I earn £55k and DH earns £35k. House is worth approx £275k with about £100k left on mortgage. DH has a significantly better pension than me (final salary). I’ve thought about the following options:-

1. I stay in the house and pay him £50k for a clean break with no claim on his pension.

1. He stays in the house and I pay him £1k a month in maintenance. (I looked at the CMS calculator and was horrified that the recommended amount is £85 per week) I could then rent until youngest DS is 18 when we could sell the house and split the equity.

1. We sell the house now and split the equity. I would rather not go down this route as I think the boys should not be forced to leave their home.

I think whoever remains resident in the house should have primary custody (and retain child benefit) and they have 4 nights a week there and 3 with the other parent.

Does all that sound sensible and fair? Am I missing another obvious solution? Is it awful that I’d consider leaving my DS’s for purely selfish reasons and should I just suck it up until both of them have finished college?

No it's not selfish, or at least you have every right to be that selfish, it's your life too!
I really think you need up talk to a solicitor about the division of assets. There are standard calculators for the worth of pensions etc. and I would stick to them.
The idea of keeping the house with kids in it and the other parent having them 3 days sounds good, obviously it depends on the kids and the days need to be fair in terms of free weekends for both at times etc. It's sad but you seem reasonable, I hope he is.

Thanks pog I really hope so.

The other thing that is significant is DH is an only child and his mum has terminal cancer so he will inherit her estate, probably worth about £200k. I wouldn’t want to make a claim on that or his pension. I earn a good salary and I’m now in a job where I am starting to build up a decent pension pot. My preferred option would be to buy him out as our house is my financial future. The thought of using his ailing mum (whom I adore BTW) as a negotiating tool is abhorrent. However the brutal reality is that in the not too distant future (best case scenario is 5 years) he will be financially very comfortable whilst I will still be paying a mortgage, probably until I’m 65.

I don’t think his future inheritance can be taken into account. His pension yes as that is a marital asset and has value at the time of the divorce.

Go see a lawyer and suggest he does to. Also ask the kids if they have an attachment to the house. If none of you have that it is might be better to get rid and start afresh. I’ve never understood why people want to keep it after the divorce but that’s a personal thing.

I am confused about why you would only pay 50k to buy him out of the house?

Yes, you would not be claiming on his pension, but as the higher earner, you getting over twice as much out if the house seems unfair.

However, no one can tell you what's the best thing. You would need legal advice.

I’ll definitely take some legal advice. I suppose I feel very guilty at the idea of making the kids lose their home. We’ve not had an unhappy marriage so I don’t think for them there’s any negative association with the house. If there’s one thing we’ve done well is parent our children. We’ve just neglected each other along the way

£50k is all I can afford to pay, with the rest of the mortgage. However if that’s seen to be an unfair deal I’m not averse to paying him some now and then agreeing to sell the house at a later date and pay more.

But if it's some now and some later, it's not a clean break as such.

And the divorce won't be based on what you say you can afford.

It's so difficult to even give guidance because each case be so difficult. Good luck though, whatever you decide.

No I get that it won’t be a clean break. I just want to be fair and for neither of us to feel that we’ve been sold short-financially at least!! I’m a lawyer so have plenty of colleagues in family law. Just don’t want to speak to any of them about it yet!!

In that case honestly, 50k doesn't sound fair.

It sounds like there are lots of positives in your marriage , have you both tried to fix things or has it passed that stage already? Is your DH aware of how you feel?

Unless he became an introvert after marrying him did you not realise how he was - that’s not meant to sound harsh btw , being long term married , both in work, with children etc can get routine / boring unless both make an effort and compared to some of the threads on here yours has lots of positives. Good luck.

I very much doubt a judge would agree to you paying him only £50k when there's £175k of equity in the house, not unless his pension value would equalise it.

Since your the one who is unhappy, I think you should go.
You know you can agree a settlement as you work in law...
Use the 50k to buy a flat, and see your boys at the weekend. Just remember they won't be around for long, as boys tend to be out all the time as they get older.
On 35k he can afford to run the house, can you remortgage to release your share of the house. Then you pay him child support so he can afford the repayments...
That way you can have your clean break, and he can pay it off when he inherits...