So fed up with myself!! anyone else

[Allalittlebitshit2019]

Trying to keep it short i was married for a long time, 2 young children. My husband left me 2 years ago, it has been 2 years of hell with incident after incident, many court cases and incidences. My marriage and my separation has been abusive, in every way except physically., he has narrowly missed a restraining order several times, my solicitor says if he takes me back to court again we will go for a psychiatric assessment, he is truly very very odd.
All that aside i am still struggling to move forward emotionally, we have very very little contact if any, but my mind is still thinking and going over whats happened. Its constant and obsessive. Im very aware that i was in an unhealthy co dependent relationship. I honestly dont want him back, but still feel so lost and confused. Some of this is bound to do with him deliberately trying to confuse me and change my reality. But still iv taken many practical steps to move forward. I work, have fab family, great friends. The children live with me and iv got a good deal through the divorce, so i have nothing to be bitter about. But emotionally letting go still a huge struggle. Anyone still stuck?

Anyone???

Have you tried therapy, OP? It is one of the better ways to deal with stuckness, imo.

Thank you for replying.
No I havnt yet, iv been doing the getting over abuse course, but i know i will need proper therapy but its so costly. I need CBT or something to 're train my brain, just talking it out isn't going to be enough. I just cqrnt figure out why someone would treat someone else so badly? Esp themother of their children!! I know the logic thwt it's his problem and not mine but it doesn't help with the washing machine effect!!!

Its natural to go over things but counselling will help. Does your employer not offer anything in terms of employee assistance or anything?

CBT isn't great for your situation, OP, and I wouldn't recommend it. (I trained in an institute that offered both CBT and psychotherapy.)

Depending on where you live, there might be a therapy training institute where you could see a trainee for a nominal fee.

Another thing that most people don't try: just ask a therapist whether they would consider charging you lower rates. I know of several who either offer fees on a sliding scale, or who don't advertise lower rates but do take on clients who can only pay them a minimal amount.

Ok thanks will do. My employer may well do. If not they could certainly point me in the right direction, as i work in domestic abuse.

Two years is really nothing. Especially since this has all been ongoing. It’s not as simple as 2 years ago we split up and it was fine and I’m still not able to move on.

It’s much much more complex, it’s ongoing. I agree with counselling, if nothing else, just to have a place to talk about yourself and how you feel in your own words without feeling like you’re a burden on friends or family.

And finally
GIVE YOURSELF a break. You’ve been through hell, and it’s not even over. Not even Jesus Christ himself would be over it and all jolly now.

Oh and yes ask for lower rates if you can’t afford full whack. I did and it helped a lot

Travis I guess your right! I feel a lot of pressure to be over it and i wish I was. People always imply I must be totally loving life now I'm not with him, like its over when you separate, but truth is it got a lot worse when we separated!! I'm constantly trying to navigate around his uselessness as a parent as well. It's just relentless. Maybe I will visit my gp

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have been married for 10 years, told him I’d had enough of his anger in June and then stupidly took him back after a few weeks of him begging, only for him to continue to shout at me, control money etc. This time there is no going back but why, WHY do I feel guilty and I go over and over it all the time. He has really done a number on me and altered my reality so I don’t know what is right and wrong and keep questioning myself. It’s bloody horrible I feel like I’m loosing my mind.

People want you to be over it, because in their head there was an end date.
But there hasn’t been an end date for you.
I think you need to talk to someone to work out some strategies about how you deal with this going forward.
If you can afford it, just go to someone privately. As a couple of us have said, you can get reduced rates.
Personally I would rather forgo all luxuries to have that one to one time to talk endlessly about my ex and have some constructive help with it all, and to examine how I ended up there and stayed!
Nhs is a bit rubbish in that regard, and they always push you to CBT because it’s cheaper.
But I know that’s not an option for all.

Sarah its hard isnt it very hard. My stbxh was very financially abusive, racking up huge debts and keeping money from me. I didnt know about all the debts and thought he was just taking control over the finances, cos he was better at it!! I also wasn't that interested! Feel as if my mind was hijacked by him.I still feel so unsure of myself at times, and until very recently he was still trying to control me. Its hard to independently have my own thoughts, if you know what i mean. I have a fantastic solicitor and received legal aid to fight the numerous court cases that he has subjected me to. Its all very nearly sorted, im nearly divorced. But the emotional scars and the continuous obsessive thoughts and re playing has continued, i am terrified that i will never emotionally move forward.
Travis, thank you for your advise, its hard as my family who are great dont really understand how stuck i am, which doesnt help me as makes me feel week!
I have a domestic abuse worker so maybe i will have a chat to her.

Oh OP you have had it really tough! What is wrong with these men. I’m just at the start of my journey into divorce and just know he is going to make it messy! He honestly believes he can get back the 10 years worth of money he has spent in the relationship. I don’t think he would take me to court he just thinks I will give in to his aggressiveness!

Sarah it's all about control, if he was controlling in the relationships he will be 10 x worse about divorce. Don't agree to Any thing until you have sort legal advise. X