How can I help my friend? (A lonely single mum suffering depression)

[northernlights0710]

Hi,

I am really worried about my friend. Over the past few months she's rung me in tears, saying she is really lonely. We live in different cities and we're both in our fifties.

She lives in a city where all of her friends are happily married. Her daughter (only child) is in her early teens so she can't leave her and go off and do stuff. She said her daughter doesn't want to sit at home with childminders.

Her daughter doesn't have loads of friends whose houses she can sleep over at, maybe one or two friends but whose parents are always busy.

I've suggested things to my friend - like joining meet up groups and walking groups, but she can't because it all comes back to leaving her daughter on her own. She gets no support from her mother, her only other family member, who won't look after the child.

She met a bloke online but he "doesn't want a relationship". She's accepted this and sees him only rarely. I know this makes her sad but I stay out of it.

She works from home for herself, making a good living so has the money to do things. I said, why don't you join Gingerbread, but she used to be in that and found it depressing. I've run out of ideas now and wondered if anyone here could help?

She needs to find other single mums she can be friends with (not married ones as this increases her feelings of isolation and her perceived "failure" (which is not true, she's done an amazing job of raising a great kid single-handedly).

She told me that what she really wants is a man but I am convinced this is because she's surrounded by married people. Nothing wrong with having a man but I think if you've got a good support network, that goes a hell of a long way. I'm in a city where there are lots of single people our age and I find it quite easy to make new friends. In her city, literally all of her friends are happily married and always doing stuff with their DHs and kids. She won't move city because of her daughter.

She's losing her confidence and motivation to do anything at all, and she's questioning her whole life. I work long hours and can't be there 24/7 but I worry about her.

Thank you for reading and if you've any ideas, that would be great!

So can she go out in the day when DD is at school.

Coffee
Meditation classes
Yoga classes
Sports groups
Pilates
Tai Chi
Join U3A to see what is available.

Perhaps some therapy if she can afford it.

Self help??

Thanks noego. She works from home during the day, so can go out, but not for ages. She already does yoga but perhaps needs some new hobbies too. Thanks very much for your suggestions

Does she have any pets?

I have a dog and that dog quickly became my best friend. I was so lonely before and it certainly adds comfort and responsibility.

Then of course people didn’t tell me that even on a short walk, you meet so many people who want to chat.

I’m really glad your friend has a friend like you!

Thanks Completelywingingit. A dog is a great idea. I might suggest that to her.

I read a story once about a man who never knew his neighbours even after living in the same neighbourhood for years. Apparently, he got a dog and soon got to know all his neighbours.

I would encourage her to see a therapist. That's the best help you can give her to be honest.

If she likes dogs she would genuinely be an amazing home for a rescue if she is at home all day (or any dog, just want to specifically plug rescues). And they do help you meet new people IME (and generally it's relaxing chilling with a dog for company in the evening).

Yes!

Dogs are an excellent form of companionship. They seem to be a buffer for people to have a natter.

Naturally.. I promote the rescues too.

I really hope your friend finds a solution.

What general are does she live in?

Area*

Why not daytime dating then?

Thanks everyone. Please allow me to address your ideas. The dog idea I haven't put to my friend yet. I think it could work well as I think her DD would like a pet.

AnaVia - I suggested a therapist to her, but she saw one and didn't think it did any good. She thinks therapists are a waste of money because "all they do is listen but never say anything or give advice".

Amber, without wanting to out anyone, she lives in East Anglia.

Emmalonely, unfortunately she fell for a bloke she met online who mucked her about. They are still in touch on and off but she is too hung up on him to meet someone else. She's not ready and needs to get over him first.

Do you know how much flexibility she has within her working day?
Also an early teen is ok to be at home alone for a few hours after school.

If she has some flexibility maybe she could do some volunteer work.

When I found myself single, feeling low and basically that I was 'just' working, caring for the kids and house, and fitting in a little exercise, I carved out 3 hrs a week to help at the food bank/drop in.

I loved it. Gave me a real sense of doing something of worth, met some great new people (clients and other volunteers) and was just a total change from everything.

I think your friend would benefit from boosting her own mood before looking for a relationship.

It's sad that she feels like this. I'm 48 and I would like a relationship I'll admit it but I'm happy at home alone.

She needs to discover her passions. And follow them! With the peace to do so. Sometimes my passion is to sit in bed all Sunday drinking coffee and listening to podcasts :-)

Op, you’re a very sweet friend :)
I’m a single mum to a teen, in a new town, it does get lonely, I get it. I do pilates, I swim, I belong to a book club, but I don’t have anybody to ‘hang out’ with. I leave my DD home alone in the evenings sometimes, she’s perfectly ok, she can cook for herself and she actually loves having the house to herself. Book club is once a month for 2 h in the evening, I keep the phone on the table and call her once for a little chat. So it’s all good. But it seems your friend has lost her ‘mojo’, she needs something to be enthusiastic about.

Can I suggest you get her an autobiography? They always pick me up and enthuse me. I love swimming, one of my favourite books in the world is about a swimmer and her swimming costumes. She has photos of them and they all tell a story. I love that book.
My ideal present would be an autobiography, a box of chocolates and some naice posh coffee. 🤣

Offer her support, she sounds like she's going through a bad time. The dog idea is excellent, they really are a good source of companionship. Seeing as it sounds like you have suggested a few things and she hasn't followed through or enjoyed them, I would think this is something she needs to find her way through herself. Support her, remind her often that you care about her, I always find that a sporadic card in the post or text when you're least expecting it, brings your mood up a lot. You're a good friend, she's lucky to have you!

Can she find a hobby that she and her DD can do together? Parkrun? Something creative? Or get the DD to join Scouts/Guides and the mum can help out? Or they could both volunteer at a dog rescue place and help to walk the dogs etc? I do think her daughter's old enough to be left for an hour or so in the evenings too if she wanted to go out and do something.

I've made a pretty good social network through DS's football team. The parents all get on well so we have a good chat every Sat while the kids play and we help each other out with lifts to training etc. It really helped when I was newly single and the weekends seemed to really drag - at least I knew that we had something sociable planned for both of us!

Further on Itoldyou's ideas; I went to a kayaking club where people could go out on double kayaks, I saw mum's doing so with their sons/daughters on sit-on kayaks, and there were a couple of single men at the club too (not just young ones).

Is there a reason she can’t leave a teen on her own for a couple of hours?

A person should never seek a member of the opposite sex to complete them. Boundaries may get compromised. They should seek someone who compliments them.

You've had some great suggestions here. Is her DD newly teenaged or do you think she is 'yes-butting' and using her DD as an excuse for not getting out of her comfort zone and getting out there?
Do you think she adores working from home or does she miss the community and banter of a workplace? If I were her I would look into some daytime paid work or volunteering for a few hours a week or another class or a daytime meetup group, or a class or meetup group she and her DD can attend together. There is no reason why she can't have an early evening coffee with new friends, join a choir that meets 7-9pm is or anything else and leave her DD at home for a few hours, unless she has additional needs or is very young for her age? The main problem is that depression and loneliness make you feel so isolated you end up as a shadow of your former self, which can be horrible. To the point that you make excuses and stay in, even when you are painfully lonely. Which is why I wonder if she might be doing that. I have been there, I am a single mum and my child is 10 so no respite for me just yet! But I am lucky as I get two eves a week to socialise if I feel like doing so, or I socialise with DS who is home educated and we go to stuff together.