I don't know what to do about this new relationship - addiction issues

[NC557]

NC because it's so personal. I'll try to keep this brief. It would be great to get some thoughts because I really don't know what to do.

I met someone a while ago. Both in our 30s. I really like him, he really likes me. However, he is a porn addict and the few times we've had sex, it hasn't worked for me at all.

I've heard lots about others being in this position but have never actually experienced it with anybody myself until now. He's really loving, attentive and giving both in and outside the bedroom but doesn't seem to be capable of maintaining an erection for very long. It makes it difficult for me to enjoy any of it.

He told me about the addiction very early on and says it causes him a lot of problems. He's told me there's nothing wrong with me. I have been careful not to put forward any suggestions because it's not my job to help him with something like this and I suppose I'm curious if he will take any initiative and do something about it himself. The last time I saw him he said he just needs to stop, but I'm not sure these things are so simple and can't really see it happening. Though maybe this is unfair of me?

I don't know what to do now. As I said, I do really like him but I also want to be able to have good sex with somebody that isn't fraught with this kind of tension. I want it to feel natural and easy.

I'm already quite upset at the prospect of not seeing him again so should I walk away now before I become even more emotionally involved?

I would walk away. This is HIS problem - don't make it yours. Him acknowledging his addiction without taking steps to address it suggests he thinks you should just accept it. I couldn't have sex with anyone like this. I'd feel demeaned, however 'nice' he was otherwise.

Finish it. Your self confidence will end up in tatters otherwise - but only after you spend a miserable period of time doing what you’re already doing; tiptoeing around it and putting your own needs last. He hasn’t stopped because he doesn’t want to, it really is as simple as that. Has he contacted his phone and broadband providers and asked them to childlock his internet connections so he can’t access any porn? No? How serious about stopping does he sound?

OP if he really liked you and cared about you, he would be seeking help for this. He's clearly not because he's hoping you will just accept it. I would end it with him and tell him why. If that's not enough to make him sort this out, nothing ever will.

In fairness to him, and this is what's making me wonder so much about what to do instead of walking away, it's been quite a long time since he's had sex so I don't think he realised just how much of a problem it was until recently, when we started having sex. So I'm a bit torn between the walking away and watching and waiting for limited time.

In fairness to him

He's not being fair to you though, is he? I hope you're not a 'fixer' OP, taking on a man with issues, hoping to 'save' him. It really needs to come from him.

It really needs to come from him.

Yes, it does. Which is why I'm wondering if I should watch and wait for a while or walk away now, because the last thing I want is to be somebody's porn addiction handhold.

Suggest a total pirn ban, while you have a weekend together, see if he can do it.
You have nothing to lose at this moment in time....
If he is willing to change, and he can see it helps maybe he will change..
If not call it a day.

Walk away. I've been in a relationship with a porn addict, but it took him a good while to admit it to me and by the time he did my self esteem was destroyed. As PP have said - this isn't your problem. Addicts are unwell. That's not his fault, but it is if he fails to act on it. Addicts often fail to acknowledge the effects their behaviour has on others.

Walk away and find some better sex!

porn addiction handhold great new band name!

Yep, he needs to seek professional help. Porn addiction isn't uncommon, unfortunately, and destroys relationships and marriages. If he's serious about you, he'll get help. If he's unwilling and makes excuses, you know what to do.

I would treat it like any other addiction. I don’t know about you, but I am in my late 30s, and though happily married now, if I was still on the dating scene and I met someone who confessed being an alcoholic or a cocaine addict a few weeks into a new relationship, I’d say nope, too messy for me, no thanks. When you’re at an age when you know what you want and are past the drama, I wouldn’t want to be waiting around while a guy I just met tried to work out serious personal issues. Life is too short to deal with that and there are more fish in the sea.

It won't change open, sadly after a while porn and wanking is and will be the only thing that gets him there. It won't change unless he changes his mindset.

When you’re at an age when you know what you want and are past the drama, I wouldn’t want to be waiting around while a guy I just met tried to work out serious personal issues.

Yes, this. I feel I'm at an age where I've had enough drama and difficulties and would just quite like some great, uncomplicated sex as part of a nice, consistent and stable relationship. I no longer feel like I have time to mess around. Trouble is, I'm not sure how to find one of these relationships.

I wouldn’t want to be with a porn addict. No matter how nice they are, they’re going to have a skewed view of women. I couldn’t cope with that.

If he was showing willingness and taking action to change then I might say let’s take a break while you fix this and see where we are in a few months.
But from what you’re saying he’s not being proactive on this even though it’s causing him problems (if he wasn’t aware of sex being a problem, the mind boggles at what those problems might be. Where has he been watching porn inappropriately?).

I don't get the impression he's been watching in inappropriate places or anything like that, but who knows. I think he was more alluding to the fact it's problematic for him that he can't get properly aroused without porn anymore. It's such a shame how normalised all of this has become.

I think I'll have to put it to him in very clear terms and let his response guide my decision. The sex element of a relationship is very important to me and simply accepting this is not an option.

How can I broach this with him in a kind way? I'm not the most tactful of people at times and I don't want to upset him.

It’s not just the viewing of porn, it will be “deathgrip” issues (I only know this from spending too much time on reddit!).

If you want to be kind, tell him that it’s an issue and ask him what he wants to do about it. Listen to what he says (and doesn’t say )

I would open a conversation about the addiction (since he's been open about it previously) and ask what steps he's taken to overcome it.

If they sound vague at best, say "I do really like you, but I'm not able at this point in my life to be with someone with addiction issues. I know it's disappointing for you, and I hope you free yourself of it, as you deserve happiness"

Walk away, unless you are prepared to invest years of your time and energy and emotion for him to stop and relapse some time later. It will destroy you in the end. Porn comes first. At least he has been honest about it. You didn't find out after years of marriage.

And if it's not porn it will be another addiction. An addict is an addict.