DP and The Cave of Bad Moods

[ladybee28]

Mostly just posting for a rant.

Every couple of months DP goes into total shutdown. It's usually something that's set him off - his mother's not well and it's upset him to see her, or his ex is being difficult about some kind of arrangement with DSS... but he doesn't tell me what it is, he just shuts off. Sometimes he'll say something after the fact, but normally nothing.

Closes himself in his home office, door shut, curtains closed, the ENTIRE day and night, often for up to three days at a time. If he comes out for food he just grunts at me, won't answer any questions with more than a couple of words.

He's totally entitled to low moods and doing what he needs to do to get through them, AND it also leaves me feeling totally cut off, ignored, and helpless.

I can't support him because he won't talk to me about what's going on, I wind up taking care of all the shopping and housework for those days because he says he doesn't need anything, and I get zero in terms of what I need out of having a partner - no support for anything I might be dealing with, no conversation, not even a greeting in the morning.

He's in one now - has been since yesterday morning - and it's driving me bananas. No idea what happened, he just complained of a headache and then later said he was having a "tough day".

Does anyone else's DP disappear and shut down like this?

I really don't want to dismiss his feelings and his right to work through them however he needs to, but I hate feeling so cut off from the person I love, and I'm finding myself feeling really pissed off.

and his right to work through them however he needs to

Hmmm. That's not compatible with life as a couple though, or as a family. When he's out of current grump, you need to agree ground rules on how he will handle bad moods in future. This is not normal, and not grown-up.

I think I'd want to give him a taste of his own medicine

I would assumed he is suffering from something more serious than low moods. I get that people may lambast him for being able to shut off and not deal with anything but in my experience your first port of call should be to try and support him, as you'd expect of him if it was the other way around)
I'd let this episode go and then when he's feeling better try and discuss it with him in terms of mental health etc and wether he would see a GP or counsellor. Etc
If after your efforts there is no effort or change then you have a right to be pissed off for sure and maybe start to think about how you might tackle it. But you have to give him support in the first instance. Frustrating as it may be.

Good luck I hope he opens up when this phase passes x

My long term partner used to do this and I would walk around on eggshells while he got over it. It descended very slowly into subtle emotional abuse and he's now an ex. This sort of behaviour is not fair on you.

Mine does something similar, but without having a room to retreat to, so I end up sitting in the same room as him but with him ignoring me.

I try not to let it bother me. I know it's nothing against me personally, it's just what he needs to do in order to work through things. I think that, in some ways, you have it easier in as much as he does shut himself away. I know it must hurt, but I'd be tempted to make the most of it. Assume he's not coming out and doesn't want anything, so treat it as some 'me time'. So, for me, that would be cooking some beef (as he can't stand it so I rarely have it), watching some chick flicks or binge watch something I'm watching and he's not, and, basically, do whatever I want with no need to compromise.

Sounds immature and indulgent to me. I understand the not feeling like talking and needing more personal space when in a bad mood thing. But totally opting out of home life is not on. Obvs I can't speak for everyone on MN but I suspect I'm not the only one here who, when things are tough, feels like pissing off on their own or hiding under a duvet until things get better, but you can't just do that. Your DP is able to because someone else is running the house, someone else is looking after his kid. He needs to grow up.

Thanks for the support and insight– he's been out to the supermarket this morning (because DSS is home this afternoon) and just made a big salad (silently) while I worked at the kitchen table, saying on the way out the door "There's salad if you want some, babe." He's emerging, but it's basically been 2 days of shutdown and I'm quietly simmering.

I have talked to him about how this makes me feel before - albeit while he's been in a funk. I told him I don't know how to be his partner and support him when he's like this, and he said "Just be normal - don't make a thing of it. It's not aimed at you, it's just where I'm at." Which I get, but it's NOT normal to be blanked out for 2 days, so it's hard to 'be normal' when things aren't normal.

@snackarella I do wonder about his MH when stuff like this happens, but the rest of the time he's perfectly fine. He's just not very communicative – deals with things very much on his own, and I think due to anger issues in the past has learned to handle stuff by taking himself out of any equations where there's a risk of him flying off the handle at the wrong person. My sense is that it's some not-very-helpful-in-a-relationship coping-with-life strategies rather than ongoing MH issues.

I'd love to 'support him' more, but the most supportive I'm allowed to be right now is to let him do his thing. Anything more active than that isn't allowed through.

@Sallygoroundthemoon I do find myself walking on eggshells, but I'm also aware that I have a hyper-sensitivity to situations like this from growing up in a home with an unpredictable and explosive parent, so I'm never sure how much of my eggshell-walking is his shit, and how much mine. Really sorry to hear what you had to deal with, and am happy for you that you're out.

@YesSheCan I hear you. I'm not taking care of his kid, though – DSS is at his mum's until this afternoon and I know that as soon as DP picks him up he'll behave totally normally around DSS. Which is great, and as it should be, and it also hacks me right off that he makes the effort to 'show up' and be normal for DSS but can't be fucked to even explain things a bit for me.

I cleaned the whole house yesterday morning (mostly just because I felt like having a good winter clean with the music loud) and he did come into the bathroom to thank me for doing it before I went to bed. I know it's really not personal or about me, but it does get old fast.

This isn't how to behave in a relationship. How long have you lived together? Has he always done this or has he got worse? You say he still manages to look after DSS. Does he still manage to work. If he can turn it on and off I actually think he sounds quite manipulative.

Fuck this shit! Don't be too keen to say "he's entitled to his feelings" when he's leaving you to do all the housework and other chores.

YANBU abs he sounds like an immature, spoilt bastard. I wouldn't lower yourself to give him a taste of his own medicine - though he deserves it. Just don't react, ignore then talk to him about it when he's not in a "mood" and tell him in no uncertain terms you're not pandering to his shit from now on. And mean what you say. If it doesn't change anything or improve then I'd be looking at what this relationship was bringing to my life and take action from there.

I have just posted a similar thread in relationships.

DH can also do this, particularly when he has been working too much.

However, I think a key difference is that my DH has actually said in the past that he is doing it to punish me, it is definitely silent treatment, whereas your DH has specifically said you are not the target.

I think it's still worth asking him to sit and listen to how you feel when he is cutting you out and maybe explore with him what he/the family could do when he starts to feel he is going into this cave mode.

You have my sympathies, it's horrific being shut out like that.

No it's not ok when he closes off for that long, without explanation and expects you to jump back into normality when he decides. It's selfish and unfair on you... And reminds me of my Dh, who I'm currently posting about myself.. :/

Jesus, what a bloody joke, sorry OP but why on earth are you going along with this, he's a complete knob; suiting himself, doing his own thing, leaving you high and dry whilst he works through his mood, he sounds absolutely hideous, selfish to the core; every two months so pretty much all the time you are living with a man that thinks it's ok to basically shut you out on a regular basis.

We all have problems, worries, sounds to me like this suits him fine and dandy and he gets off the hook doing FA domestically or to actually be kind and give back to his partner.

What happens with the child, do you end up doing that as well?

I'd honestly fuck him right off.

@jamaisjedors I don't think that's the link you meant to post???

Omg what happened there, will report my post!

I can't link on the app (why is the app less user friendly than the website?!) so I tagged you jamaisjedors

Why not just call it what it is? - SULKING.

it's all very well saying it's not about you, but talk is cheap/actions speak louder than words
his actions are hostile, the silent treatment is a 'cold' manifestation of anger, you are being subjected to his anger
ignoring you sends the message that, you don't exist, you are insignificant, not worth my time and attention etc

he can rationalize it away but he 'knows' what he is doing