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Original poster

Wife now just sees me as a friend!

26 replies

Luddite71 · 11/12/2018 08:56

Hi everyone I’m new on here and would dearly love anybody’s input to help me make sense of my current situation.

We’ve been together 16 years. 3 kids; 10, 8 and 6.

I’m 47 she’s a bit younger at 38.

In my mind we’ve had some issues since around September 2017 when habits with her phone changed. This came a few weeks after she started playing the online scrabble game “words with friends”.

In December 2017 I called her out on the fact she was completely absorbed in her phone and she admitted messaging a guy in the word game. We had a bad month where she basically was confused about things. I backed off and then things got back to normal; very good in fact.

In June 2018 I noticed again changes in her behaviour. We went away in July on a great family hol and then in early August I caught her out going to meet a different guy she had met on the game. He lives about 200 miles away.

There was massive turmoil and rows and then suddenly she said she didn’t want to be with me anymore and it was all my fault cos of the rows. She swore she wasn’t in touch with the guy anymore.

At the end of September I caught her out meeting him again (worse thing about that was she had gone to her mum and dads for the weekend with the kids and they looked after the kids for her knowing what she was doing).

From there I gave up on her! I saw a solicitor and laid things on the line. I had a dramatic effect. She suddenly went full circle; apologised for what she’d done and said we would try again.

For a few weeks it was ok but recently I’ve noticed that there’s nothing from her; no touches, hugs, pecks on cheek or lips. She actively swerves her entire body around me if we pass in the hallway (small house).

She’s now saying that she loves me and loves my company but just sees me as a friend. I contend that she is still in touch with the guy but she says she isn’t.

I’ve suggested night out, day trips, weekends away etc but she doesn’t want to “give me false hope”. However she does want me sat on the settee with her at night playing with her hair etc and wants me to go to the supermarket with her and out for breakfast 1 or 2 times per week.

Is there anyway or any advice on Re kindling things in this situation?

Or should I now make things very real for her and get out of there?

Needless to say there’s no sex at present. Last time was about a month ago but even though we are in the Ange bed it’s pretty clear that there’s no chance of intimacy anywhere on the horizon and I’m wondering whether I’ve made love to her for the last time.

Thanks

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 11/12/2018 08:57

Or should I now make things very real for her and get out of there?

This. 100%.

Your marriage is as dead as the proverbial Norwegian Blue parrot in the Monty Python sketch. It's deceased, bereft of life, snuffed it.

MrsL2016 · 11/12/2018 09:00

It seems to me she has been checked out of the relationship for a while and she doesn't want the upheaval and life changes a separation might bring. I would seriously think about what you want and then talk to her. You can't force intimacy if she just doesn't feel it anymore. So can you carry on as just friends?

Original poster
Luddite71 · 11/12/2018 09:03

This sounds awful but I love her too much to be downgraded to a friend.

I’ll be civil for the kids but that’s got to be it from a self preservation point of view.

OP posts:
Loughers · 11/12/2018 09:05

Get out amicably - ensure you are both singing from the same hymn sheet re the kids.

You'e young enough to start again

MickHucknallspinkpancakes · 11/12/2018 09:07

I think it's time for you to leave. She's checked out and would rather risk meeting strangers on a Scrabble game than focus on her marriage.

There's got to be a more rewarding life for you out there somewhere.

Luckingfovely · 11/12/2018 09:07

Sorry that this is so rough for you.

I agree with pp - it sounds like she has checked out completely, has been messing you around dreadfully, and it is over in her head.

I think you will feel much better if you take control and end it in as amicable and mature a manner as possible.

Villagelifer · 11/12/2018 09:09

Agree with it's better to split up while you can do it amicably. Whether you can be friends in the future time will tell.

ElonMask · 11/12/2018 09:41

Get out now.

RosieBenenden · 11/12/2018 10:17

I feel for you OP. I had the equivalent but in reverse from my DH who is 51 and I'm 40. We have 3 kids as well like you. The intimacy died as he simply lost interest in trying for sex. The root was not an affair but simply the growing apart as I had a good job like him and three children to deal with during school holidays. I could go on for hours about trying to rekindle things and ways to try for sex again but if a flame dies sometimes acceptance is the best option. Message me anytime if you want as I was in a marriage with no sex in over 4 years so I understand how a lack of affection can affect a person.

Trinity66 · 11/12/2018 10:27

Sorry you're going through that OP, it's a very unfair thing to ask you imo, to stay and just be friends in a marriage when she knows that you love her. If it were me I couldn't live that way, I'd rather just get out.

I guess the only other option would be for you two to stay living together as friends but you could have sex with other people. That wouldn't work for me though personally.

RosieBenenden · 11/12/2018 10:34

I tried just that @Trinity66 but my heart wasn't in the "outside of marriage sex" and it was unfulfilling. I am with you entirely on that point. The turning point was exiting the marriage and meeting my current DP. That is when affection/intimacy/sex returned and I started to feel like a proper woman again.

PrettyLovely · 11/12/2018 10:39

You need to get out of the marriage, dont let her treat you like a doormat.
Get out whilst you are young enough.

ferando81 · 11/12/2018 10:41

Funny how they all say you should leave .Shes the one cheating .
Of course being a decent bloke you probably don't want to upset your kids life and will find yourself a place rather uproot them.
Its terribly unfair on you she's the one cheating and wrecking the children's lives.I hope you find a solution.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 11/12/2018 11:00

LTB

MrsL2016 · 11/12/2018 11:10

@ferando81 no one has said he should be the one to leave the home. Most people have just suggested that the OP end the relationship. We don't know nearly enough about their domestic situation to say how they should end things. That's for them to work out.

Original poster
Luddite71 · 11/12/2018 11:14

I’ll be the one leaving. She can stay in the house for stability for the kids.

There’s very little equity there and what is there was her deposit from inheritance.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 11/12/2018 11:15

ferando81 I meant leave the marriage as in ending the relationship

Trinity66 · 11/12/2018 11:16

RosieBenenden I'm glad you're happy now and found a man who could give you everything you need rather than just a piece.

RosieBenenden · 11/12/2018 11:23

Trinity66 really appreciate that. It took a while and went without any intimacy for nearly five years. DP is older man and although it isn't perfect he makes me happy. Still early stages though.

willowtree28 · 11/12/2018 11:23

I think it's a case of she doesn't want you but she can't her head around the fact of somebody else having you.

I would walk away and let her realise what she has lost.

certificateofauthenticity · 11/12/2018 12:03

You cannot make someone love you again. If you leave she may decide she's wrong, but only she can make that decision. You will never be happy on her terms. People deserve to be happy. With a little time you will see this, although I know it is difficult to see now. I wish you all the best.

Silkie2 · 11/12/2018 12:58

I wonder why she said she wanted to get together then suddenly changed her mind, bit suspect. You must give proper thought to where you move to, eg do you want to be handy for DCs school so they can walk there from yours.
Have you got a solicitor who will give you good financial advice.
This is the start of your new exciting life Luddy, don't sleep walk into bad decisions because you feel you are the poor abandoned DH, you are the fun Dad enjoying his new freedom!! Get moving!

SandyY2K · 11/12/2018 13:22

End it amicably while you're young enough to move on.

Don't accept her offer of friendship while married.

maximumcarnage · 11/12/2018 13:34

Really sorry to read your story but it’s clear she’s no longer invested in the relationship. Get legal advice and get those ducks lined up and then get out of dodge. Really wish you the best for the future.

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/12/2018 14:09

Basically she is doing nothing to salvage your relationship, it looks like she sees you as a safe bet and someone to lean on. You need to end the relationship. Ignore her shouts or apologises , she is not going to change but rather will do things only in the short term that benefit her. You will steadily get more stressed and unhappy as time goes on.

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