Help - wedding/family issues

[NameChange121018]

NC in case outing, etc.

DP and I have a problem. We'd like to be married. I want my parents there because family is important to me and my mum would he heartbroken not to be present.

DP has issues with their parents (complicated by their non-amicable divorce) and would prefer a ceremony just the two of us. (Gets on with mine fine, by the way.)

I understand DPs PoV, but I can't bear to let my mum down, and it feels pretty unfair to have to exclude my parents. On the other hand, I don't want DP to have to deal with the fallout of not inviting their parents while mine attend, or the pressure of keeping the whole thing a secret.

What do we do? It feels like there's no solution, which leaves us with not getting married. But that's not fair either and leaves us without legal protections/commitments that we'd prefer to have.

Help, MN. Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

Could you have it abroad? That might eliminate a parent or two?

Thanks for the reply. I did consider suggesting this, but all parents are comfortably off so I doubt a foreign wedding would pose much of a barrier. I fear the issue will just follow us wherever we go

There is no solution. I worked with someone who had this problem. He / they planned the wedding on the basis that the parents would put it aside for the day. But in the run up they just got as bad as ever. In the end they eloped. Told them all they weren’t invited. He was very sad about it.

You can get married but it will have to be a limited invite. Drop either one of his parents, both of his parents or all parents. My advice; Stick to a registry and just have witnesses. They arrange a blessing or party for your family and invite the dad . Offer something similar for his mother to organise without the father. Or do nothing just the registry with witnesses.

It’s getting married that is important and your parents will understand. They would rather you got married, even if it is without them.

Without knowing the issues between your dp and their parents or the issues between the parents it's tricky to answer.

Would it be possible to literally invite the 4 parents only to the ceremony? So you have been entirely fair? Conflict often reduces when there is no 'audience'. No partners no siblings etc.

Go to the registrar's office with your mum and a couple of friends. Job done. This really doesn't have to be such a big fucking deal.

I didn't want my parents at my wedding, so went overseas as I knew they wouldn't come but my DH dad could. If that is not going to work for you, then I think you need to put your DP ahead of your mum and get married by yourselves.

If the really important bit is getting married, just go to the local registry office with your parents. I wouldn’t even bother mentioning it to anyone else. A wedding shouldn’t be stressful because of other people.

A surprise wedding? Organize a small wedding. Don’t tell guests it’s a wedding and throw in a surprise ceremony!

I once went to a friend’s engagement party and during the party slipped away, put on a wedding dress and surprised everyone by getting married. This way there are no arguments with parents during the lead up to the wedding 👰

I'd invite all parents but tell DPs parents that if there's any arguments, they leave.