Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm lost, I'm turning into a horrible mother

48 replies

Stargate456123 · 10/12/2018 22:48

Please help, I feel so lost, I'm turning into everything I promised myself I wouldn't.
My ds is nearly 7 and he's become impossible to cope with. Bedtime has turned into an absolute farce and it's tearing the family apart. He's currently standing at the top of the stairs crying and shouting and it's been on going since 7pm.

A few weeks ago this started, said he was worried we were going to leave him. I have absolutely no idea where this came from, we both sat down with him and tried to find out what's going on but all we got back was "I don't know". We've tried positive reinforcement, we did as he asked....be loud when I go to bed, talk to people on the phone, make noise so I know you're there etc but this just isn't sustainable. We need downtime, I haven't even eaten tea.

So far he's smashed up his bedroom twice because I shut his bedroom door, I sat him in the kitchen and he threw an open tin of tomatoes around and smashed all the magnets off the fridge. I've made him clean all this up. Whilst sat there he starts saying he wants to die...this is so fucking abnormal I can't even begin to explain, I don't even know where he would get such an expression.

I grew up in an abusive home, I was a beaten child and ended up in care at 10 years old. I promised myself when I was pregnant that his life would be nothing like mine, I've tried everything to make sure he feels and knows he is loved, I've never laid a finger on him. I thought I'd done pretty good but now I wonder where the fuck it's gone wrong.

I will add, he has absolutely no SEN. Until a few weeks back we had what I would consider to be normal challenges for a boy of his age but this goes beyond anything I feel equipped to deal with. I can feel my anger rising, I've screamed like a fucking banshee tonight and god knows what the neighbours think.

What do I do? I feel like walking out and never looking back right now.

OP posts:
onlyonmumnet · 10/12/2018 22:50

No advice but Thanks you sound like a great mum. We all lose our shit sometimes.

GreenTulips · 10/12/2018 22:53

It's around this age kids think about their parents dying.

Maybe that?

Can he have music or a video to sooth him to sleep? Can you go upstairs and read for half an hour til he nods off?

Can your other half cook the tea?

SophieGiroux · 10/12/2018 22:54

Do you have any other children?

SurvivingCBeebies · 10/12/2018 22:55

How about getting a baby monitor in reverse? He has the parent monitor in his bedroom... and try and gradually turn down the volume over a few weeks etc?

RNBrie · 10/12/2018 22:58

This sounds like a sudden and dramatic change in behaviour? I'd be on to his school to find out if anything is going on there and if they've seen a change in his behaviour. Is also ask if they have a learning mentor or other pastoral support you can access although this might only be available if his behaviour is affecting his school work.

He sounds extremely angry and for that to come out of nowhere would concern me deeply. What does he want you to do? Can you put him to bed in your bed and stay with him quietly? I am usually the last person that would recommend that but he sounds like he's in need of a pretty high level of intervention.

Original poster
Stargate456123 · 10/12/2018 23:04

I have a dsd who comes to stay a few times a month, he adores her as she does him, but he's acted like this around her too.

He has a radio in his room that's on all night every night, he has a night light in his room.

At first I honestly thought this was a genuine worry for him, spent a lot of time making him feel more secure, but as time has gone on it feels more behavioural. I can't explain it but he has a sort of smirk on his face and when I say goodnight he just says "I can't do it, it's too hard (to go to bed)".

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargate456123 · 10/12/2018 23:06

RNBrie his anger outburst concern me massively too. He had some issues with a boy bullying him at school but that has been sorted by the head teacher and there is no longer any issues. We had parents evening a couple of weeks ago and he apparently behaves very well, just saves his shite for us.

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 10/12/2018 23:07

I would be asking school too. Is it possible that one of his friends has lost a parent recently?

Original poster
Stargate456123 · 10/12/2018 23:08

I was thinking I may approach the GP but don't know where to start, wouldn't know how to explain it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargate456123 · 10/12/2018 23:09

bobbiepin a year to this exact day a girl in his class lost her dad to MND however that was a year ago and he's never spoken about it.

OP posts:
Youngandfree · 10/12/2018 23:11

I say lie with him for a while as he falls asleep. Bring it right back to A’s if he was a baby (I know it sounds crazy and backwards) but he is missing something and unless you rewind a bit you won’t be able to go forward. So do dinner, bath, story, chat about his day, then lights off and stay with him until he falls asleep. Once he had settled into this you can remove yourself gradually from the room.

wickywilk · 10/12/2018 23:16

My 8 year old suddenly started being scared and upset at bedtime after being a really good sleeper. Lots of bargaining from him eg. I'll go to bed if you do a, b, c. I found going back to the routine he had when he was a baby helpful. Bath, warm milk, bed and story. It wasn't an instant success but it seems to have worked. Hope this helps good luck Thanks

Letsmove1t · 10/12/2018 23:20

Radio all night? What channel/ programmes/ is he changing them & hearing the lonely breaking their hearts on air/ various topics? Consider a soothing cd or similar instead. Reward charts may help you decipher genuine problem vs a try on. Brainstorm session between you - you both take turns to say & write down what worries you to see if that teases something out or tell him things you did to help when you worried.

Bacardibabe · 10/12/2018 23:22

You don't sound like a bad mum you sound exhausted! That's understandable. Haven't got any advice but sometimes just as you think things can't get any worse they suddenly improve. Hope some if the advice others have suggested works.Flowers

justforthisnow · 10/12/2018 23:23

A radio on all night every night??! That is not usual for a child that age.
Switch it off. Reestablish a night time routine. Consider a CAMHs referral otherwise.

LizzieSiddal · 10/12/2018 23:25

This sounds like a sudden and dramatic change in behaviour? I'd be on to his school to find out if anything is going on there and if they've seen a change in his behaviour. Is also ask if they have a learning mentor or other pastoral support you can access although this might only be available if his behaviour is affecting his school work.

I agree with this. There is a reason for this sudden change and it’s up the adults around him to find out what it is.

You do sound a great mum, so don’t blame yourself. In the short term, if my dc seemed so distressed, I’d either sleep in his room for a couple of nights or let him camp in your room.

ChristmasFlary · 10/12/2018 23:25

Google self referal for counselling for him

mamalovebird · 10/12/2018 23:46

I always find when my ds gets like this, he is struggling to handle his emotions and it all feels too much for him... sometimes all they need us a big fat cuddle. No big talks or shouting... just some reassurance and to feel loved. It's hard when you are in the moment and living it not to get frustrated but try and remember it's not personal, he's still a young boy and looks to you, his benchmark, on how to handle things. It sounds like is looking to you to help, he just doesn't understand what he is feeling and is frustrated.

paffuto · 10/12/2018 23:47

I do feel for you OP. Life with kids is so difficult sometimes.Flowers Someone please remind me, why do we even have them?Confused justfor I don't think a camhs referral would be possible, it's difficult to get one even with sen? I agree with pp's about starting again with the baby routine.

paffuto · 10/12/2018 23:56

Just wanted to make it clear, that was a joke, why do we have kids. We love them to bits of course Wink Hope you get this sorted OP.

Twitchintervention · 11/12/2018 00:02

We have just came out the other end of this with with my 7 year old DD after 3 months of what I can only describe as sheer hell...

All of a sudden really awful, naughty and aggressive behaviour, no fear of consequences and on top of this just to make sure we were driven properly insane, 3 hours of broken sleep a night max, couldn’t get her to go to sleep, stay asleep or even stay in her own bed and I’m sure the neighbors thought we were murdering her through the night!

I have 3 DC and a husband who has been away a lot due his military job and it’s the closest I have ever came to walking out and never returning..

I was so sleep deprived that I couldn’t remember if the bad behaviour came before the sleep issues or the other war round and I got it into my head that something truely awful had happened to her for such a drastic change in behaviour!

And then just like that it stopped. We did try a few things, back to a more basic routine, the sleepy rabbit story (google it, so long but so worth it!!) I really tried to stop getting cross and frustrated and deal with her really calmly, hard when it’s 4.30am and you haven’t been to sleep yet!!!! And I was consistent, one night putting her back in her own bed 39 times!!!

I promise you it won’t last forever and you will look back on it in years to come as just another parenting bump in the road.

Bobbiepin · 11/12/2018 07:49

@stargate456123 is it possible she's been talking about him or there has been any preparation for her to ready her for he anniversary? He might not have fully comprehended the meaning of death when it happened but to be reminded a year later that he's still gone would be upsetting for anyone.

Villagelifer · 11/12/2018 08:03

I agree with PP about looking into what may have caused a sudden change in behaviour. It's normal for children to avoid bedtime but I would worry about a sudden change in behaviour.
Children will avoid talking about things that upset them so you can't rely on him saying "I don't know" or "I can't remember". Sometimes role play will help. "Would Teddy bear like to go to school? Who would be his best friend? Is there something he wouldn't like?" or "does Teddy bear like to go to sleep? Why is that?".
Also you could try leaving his bedroom door open and the outside light on until he goes to sleep.

ravenmum · 11/12/2018 08:16

Definitely go to the GP too, as odd changes in behaviour can also have a physical cause.

ChristmaspArti · 11/12/2018 08:22

I'd recommend joining the therapeutic parents group on Facebook for some good advice on how to deal with this supportively. I agree with those saying go back to treating him as if he was a lot younger.

Swipe left for the next trending thread