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Original poster

Is it common in an argument for the man to 'check out' of domestic duties?

24 replies

doodledott · 10/12/2018 21:50

Just as the title says, really?

We both work full time. We've had a disagreement this evening because DH doesn't feel like we have enough 'intimacy' - he's clear he does not mean just sex but to be honest, after teaching all day and doing most of the week's 'slog' on my own because he is a Police Officer who works shifts, I'm not really overly interested in anything other than whatever sleep our absolute sleep nightmare 18 month old allows me.

Off the back of said disagreement, he's totally refused to help me with our son all night. Wouldn't bath him, as he usually would, engaged with him fine otherwise but then wouldn't even switch the light off once I was in bed with DS so I had to get up and do it myself whilst hoping DS wouldn't follow me and fall off the side of the bed.

Is this normal?

OP posts:
Bernina · 10/12/2018 21:53

No it's definitely not normal.

Candy43 · 10/12/2018 21:54

He’s being a knob. Having a hissy fit does not give him the right to check out of being a parent which is what he has effectively done.

TokyoSushi · 10/12/2018 21:54

Nope, he's a twat.

RyderWhiteSwan · 10/12/2018 21:56

Would YOU check out of caring for your DC if you were in a huff with your DH/DP?

No, thought not. He's just another manchild.

category12 · 10/12/2018 21:56

Well, being a stroppy ignorant bastard isn't going to make you want to be intimate with him, is it?

MrsGarethSouthgate · 10/12/2018 21:56

I don't understand why working shifts means he can't put a load of washing on, prep a meal or run the vacuum around?

RyderWhiteSwan · 10/12/2018 21:59

@MrsGarethSouthgate he has a penis, which I'm given to understand prevents men from performing mundane household tasks.

Original poster
doodledott · 10/12/2018 22:00

I should be clear to people asking, he does usually help around the house: vacuuming, doing the bins, general tidying if he's off and I'm at work.

@category12 you've sort of hit the nail on the head. Every few weeks, he moans about lack of intimacy or sex and then I am just repulsed and don't want to be anywhere near him. After a week or so, when he's been lovely and caring and helpful, I start to feel a bit more 'in the mood' but then he does it again. It's a vicious circle and I don't really know what to do.

OP posts:
Shambu · 10/12/2018 22:03

Tell him what's putting you off.

And specify that domestic and childcare duties are not something he 'helps' you with but duties that an adult couple split down the middle.

Shambu · 10/12/2018 22:05

I would also tell him that his behaviour tonight is more likely to get him a divorce than sex.

Original poster
doodledott · 10/12/2018 22:09

I think I'm only still here for the following reasons:

  1. can't afford mortgage on my own
  2. don't want him having DS on his own for any amount of time
  3. don't want DS growing up without a father at home
  4. want further children but don't want DS to be the 'other' child from a previous relationship
  5. don't want another woman to eventually have assess to my DS

Guess I'm stuck.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 10/12/2018 22:12

You need to be firm with him then and tell him to shape up, he's being a selfish manchild and that's really unattractive!

TeamSpirit · 10/12/2018 22:15

My husband went to holiday house after an argument and could not be contacted between 1 - 3 days and fucked off all appointments with me or children. Because he could not cope and was so hurt. When i - after years of distress and anger- just went on with life, he stopped doing it and - like tonight, just goes to bed because he has headache and feel unwell. No doubt in my mind it is Because we argued. I loose love and respect. But have no advice and will read here Flowers

Bernina · 10/12/2018 22:17

If they are your reasons for not leaving him then you really need to leave him. It'll be so much worse for your son growing up with two people who can't stand each other.

category12 · 10/12/2018 22:22

Not a "but I love him" in those reasons.

Modelling a poor relationship and there being friction between parents is damaging.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 10/12/2018 22:25

Live is short OP. Bear that in mind.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/12/2018 22:30

He's not helping you. He's contributing to the running of a house and family. That's part of your problem. He feels like he's helping you so when you've had an argument he stops 'helping'.
But basically he's being a bit of a twat.

WilburforceRaven · 10/12/2018 22:35

He's punishes his child when he's angry with you. What a dick.

Hofuckingho · 10/12/2018 22:40

You need to forget the idea that he’s helping you, or not, as the case may be. Helping you implies that everything is your responsibility and it definitely isn’t.

He’s behaving extremely selfishly and not considering you at all. You either sit down and put things tight with some very frank discussion or you tell him to get lost.

Hofuckingho · 10/12/2018 22:41

*right

Hopoindown31 · 10/12/2018 23:20

Sounds like you are both completely out of sync in terms if your physical relationship and the resentment is setting in. It is like a viscious circle. He is hurt because you aren't showing love to him in a way he understands so he gets frustrated and acts out which makes him seem childish and pushes you further away. So he tries to be nice but gets more frustrated that it doesn't seem to be work and just as you are warming up he loses his patience again and so the cycle repeats.

Either you walk away from this or you need to break the cycle by honest discussion and joint effort. Which you choose depends on how much love is left really.

GummyGoddess · 10/12/2018 23:23

Why don't you want him to have DS alone?

Sarahandduck18 · 11/12/2018 00:38
  1. can't afford mortgage on my own

If it’s only you and DS you could live in a smaller place.

  1. don't want him having DS on his own for any amount of time

This is extremely concerning. Why?

  1. don't want DS growing up without a father at home

He can have a good father who’s not his biological father.

  1. want further children but don't want DS to be the 'other' child from a previous relationship

Don’t assume step children are treated unequally.

The ones I know aren’t.

  1. don't want another woman to eventually have assess to my DS

What if DP leave you for another woman- you can’t control this.

You know these aren’t good reasons to stay.

category12 · 11/12/2018 12:59

1) can't afford mortgage on my own
Owning a house you can't be happy in isn't much of a bargain. Starting again can be an opportunity.

2) don't want him having DS on his own for any amount of time
Why? If you can't trust him with your ds, then why on earth would you propose to have more dc with him?

3) don't want DS growing up without a father at home
If he's a father you can't trust with your ds, then what's his presence actually bringing your child? A dad in name alone and a shitty example of a relationship is more likely to harm your ds than a divorce.

4) want further children but don't want DS to be the 'other' child from a previous relationship
A good partner would accept your ds and work not to make the situation like that. You would be there to stop that happening.

5) don't want another woman to eventually have assess to my DS
Why? She would never take your place. There are positive step-parenting outcomes.

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