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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Post divorce relationship - is this going anywhere or not?!

16 replies

Eflatmajor · 10/12/2018 19:38

Looking for some insight I think!
I met a lovely man on OLD back in March and we had a great summer together, lots of fun dates and intimate sex. Both agreed to be exclusive early on, and I trust him, he is to my knowledge, a decent honest man and a great dad. He’s 52, I’m 48 and we’re both divorced with kids (his are early teenage, mine is just 6).
Eight months on though, I can’t help wondering where it’s all going. We meet once a week, sometimes twice, and either go out and come back to mine or he comes round when my DD is in bed. No overnight stays when our kids are around.
It’s nice, I really like him, but have this niggling feeling that it’s all just a bit surface. It feels like a series of dates, albeit nice ones!
I’d like our lives to be a bit more entwined I think.

We haven’t met each other’s kids and we haven’t really talked about this - I don’t think he’s even told his about me. He seems very protective with his children and I think he wants to keep his image as pure dad, not dad with a girlfriend. I sort of get this, but can’t help feeling that I’d like to be able to go to his house when his children are there maybe at the weekend (for a cup of tea or something!) and for him to come to mine. I know he’s very keen on me, he’s the opposite of a player, but has been hurt by divorce and is maybe a bit conservative about these things.
How do I move things on without making it seem like a big issue? I don’t want to scare him off but am feeling a bit dissatisfied I think.

OP posts:

bigchris · 10/12/2018 19:42

Have you been to his house? He sounds married still

MissConductUS · 10/12/2018 19:45

If his are early teenage years the concept of dad has a girlfriend is not going to shock them, especially if he's been divorced for a while.

I think that if you want this to change you need to push a bit. Like ask him to come over on a weekend when he can meet your daughter so that you're taking the first step.

After nine months I'd been getting tired of these restrictions too.

Original poster

Eflatmajor · 10/12/2018 19:47

He’s definitely not married. Been divorced4 years, has had a couple of 6 monther flings but that’s it. I’ve been to his house lots of times but only when his kids are with their mum. I’ve met some of his friends.

OP posts:

category12 · 10/12/2018 20:05

I think you need to have the dreaded "where's this thing going?" conversation. It doesn't have to be heavy - talk about future plans. What's happening over Xmas/New Year for you two? Could it be an opportunity to say something about meeting the dc?

Notacluethisxmas · 10/12/2018 20:11

Have you suggested he meet your child?

lifebegins50 · 10/12/2018 20:21

It could be that be doesn't want to do introducing to children yet, especially if he has had other flings as that could be 4 of 5 different women to his children.

I would give it a year...see how you are feeling then ask him about meeting children

Original poster

Eflatmajor · 10/12/2018 20:36

Thanks everyone. It’s good to get other people’s views on it. Wanted to check I wasn’t being unreasonable or irrational, as I suspect he is happy with the way things are for now.
Yes, the dreaded ‘where is this going’ convo... it’s a difficult one when all the usual relationship markers are off the table - but you can still have overlapping lives I think. Just not sure how to broach it!

OP posts:

TooOldForThis67 · 10/12/2018 23:36

I'm beginning to bore myself, so apologies for anyone that reads my posts/replies.
This is the exact same position I was in with my b/f of 9mths. He's met my son but doesn't interact with him as he feel's it's unfair to him and to his children, who I've never met! I met his sister, who he lives with, and some friends. Neither his parents or his kids even know about me.
After 9mths I expect more. I didn't feel I was in love with him because of the barriers he put up. He was happy with the way things were going, I wasn't. Talking didn't help as although he understood, he wouldn't budge. I didn't feel like a priority in his life. I miss him and feel a bit like I've wasted 9mths of my life.
All I can say is have the convo. You might be pleasantly surprised but if not, be prepared to let go.

Original poster

Eflatmajor · 11/12/2018 08:22

Thanks Toooldforthis. Your situation sounds very similar to mine - I’m sorry if things didn’t work out though. It may be the same for us as I don’t know how committed he really is but I’d always rather have the conversation than waste more years of my life (which I did in my marriage). The not feeling like a priority but really resonates with me - it’s not like I want to move in with him or share absolutely everything, we’re both independent and that’s fine, but there’s just this sense of it being convenient rather than a deep felt relationship.

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 12/12/2018 11:43

Op, just this sense of it being convenient rather than a deep felt relationship

Listen to your instinct..I know in the past I have ignored my gut because I couldn't articulate the feelings so thought I was irrational. I now know to listen to instinct as it is usually right.

Trinity66 · 12/12/2018 12:28

Why don't you speak to the man! have a conversation, see what he says!

MMmomDD · 12/12/2018 12:31

I’d have a conversation, but not just yet. Not during the holiday season.
And a year mark in a relationship is a goor time to look at the future and wonder where it’s going.

TooOldForThis67 · 15/12/2018 07:38

@Eflatmajor - your last sentence - that's how I was/felt.
The nail in the head for me was discussing xmas. He said he's got to see his kids, parents, have dinner with his sister (who he lives with) and yeah, he'd fit me in somehow. Fit me in!! I didn't react but brooded about it. I know he hasn't got a 'way with words' and has to juggle his time but ffs, talk about getting the dregs! I miss the sex but don't miss him and I guess that's because he never left much of an inprint in my life.
How are you getting on now?

TooOldForThis67 · 15/12/2018 07:40

or 'nail in the coffin' or 'thorn in my heart' Lol.

LatentPhase · 15/12/2018 11:50

Just this sense of being convenient rather than a deep felt relationship

Trust your gut. Always.

Easy post-divorce to keep everything separate. It’s a perfect avoidance tactic if needed. Particularly for those who are shy of making a mess again and protecting their dc (and that includes many women as well as men).

Relationships are a leap of faith. If he is shying away then your gut will tell you. Listen to that.

Shedhead18 · 15/12/2018 18:33

Thanks for the new replies. Not much more to report, although I did go to his friend’s birthday party which he’d invited me to (involved overnight hotel stay and meeting various people he knew. Although it was fun, and nice to be away for a night with him, the cynic in me can’t help feeling again it suited him perfectly to have me on his arm, so why wouldn’t he have invited me!?
I brought up Xmas over that weekend and he was pretty non-committal, although we’ve since agreed a date to meet up in between Xmas and NY... .
I don’t know really - I know he likes me, is keen, but he just seems very compartmentalised. We’re living totally separate lives with the odd date/sex (monogamous) thrown in. I don’t think it’s enough really...

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