Heading for a family disaster

[Longsight2019]

Background:

Reasonable relationship with M&D - at times strained and a real lack of emotional and practical interest/support since the birth of my two children who are now 7 years & 18months. They’re both retired and comfortably off. They have a property in Norfolk and they frequently go there for weeks away which is lovely for them and ideal in retirement.

I’ve come to realise that my mother has deep rooted issues with her Mental health and displays traits of narcissism, having complete lack of empathy for others around her including my long suffering dad. Also can be deeply controlling and very unreasonable if I ever try to discuss how her actions have made me feel. For example: eleventh hour changes to childcare arrangements leaving me unsure as to their level of support, meaning planning working days near impossible. Plus a distinct lack of communication and goes cold if something doesn’t go her way. Like she enjoys punishing people. Lots of manipulation of Dad who just seems to have lost his identity over the years.

We have an elderly sole remaining grandfather on my dad’s side who lives a hundred miles south of here. He was widowed five years ago and at that point my dad agreed that jointly, he would help care for his father along with his brother who lives closer. It wasn’t to be 50/50 arrangement due to the geography - more a 75/25 ratio - but in reality it’s become more of a 98/2%. Put simply, they’ve been absolutely useless.

This support never materialised from my dad’s side and my uncle has had to pretty much solely care for his father whilst juggling other commitments which go completely unnoticed by my parents. Occasionally, perhaps once every 8-12 weeks they travel to Leicestershire to visit for a couple of hours where they don’t lift a finger, sit around drinking coffee and don’t help with anything practical.

Around 18 months ago my uncle was taken ill and had a round of treatment which was successful. The level of support for my grandfather from my parents barely changed in that time and this was noticed by my uncle. He asked for more support but again, this wasn’t met - instead there being a big song and dance by my mother about them being busy (they’re not) and him being bossy and manipulative (we don’t see this, rather she is and hates being asked to commit to anything) so there was a mild falling out and any communication halted on both sides despite my grandfather’s needs becoming increasingly demanding as his health declines.

Unfortunately earlier this year my Uncle’s cancer returned and my parents were made aware of this. We all expected them to react normally: Show concern; Make contact and brush the petty disagreement aside.

But no. Here we are months down the line with no attempt at contact and an uncle who is utterly devastated that his own brother doesn’t seem
To think enough about him to drop what he’s doing (archery ffs) and go and see him. Their feud certainly doesn’t warrant never speaking again or ignoring a terminal illness.

I’ve tried to discuss this with my parents. My Mum just takes over and controls the situation coming up with excuse after excuse as to why they shouldn’t be the ones to make contact. She’s never been interested in my Dad’s family and appears to actively keep him away which over the years has meant that he barely has any relationship with his ageing siblings.

If she wasn’t involved I’m 99% certain this wouldn’t be at the stage it’s at and we’d be far less stressed as a family unit. Her behaviour is becoming increasingly tormenting towards said uncle as she tries to cover her tracks and appear to other family members that he’s being unreasonable and that their commitments are far more than they actually are.

This has taken some toll on my husband and I as we simply cannot believe that my Parents would treat another family member in such a way through choice and so unnecessarily given that my Uncle hasn’t actually done anything to deserve such treatment.

I don’t know what I expect from your responses but some guidance around how to deal with my
Parents and to limit the damage this is beginning to cause in my relationship with in particular my mum. Of course, she can’t accept that I feel that they could’ve done more over the years as well as actually show concern for my uncle’s health/mental state.

Thanks for reading.

Can you try to speak to your father alone? Is there a chance that his conscience might kick in if you manage to discuss it with home away from your mother's influence? If not all you can do is step in and support your uncle and grandfather as much as you can. You will shame them by your example and hopefully provide some practical help and emotional support.

I think you have to try and accept that they won't change. They won't give what you want them to.
They are immersed in their own little bubble and anything else does not register.
They sound very like my parents who, although they put on a good show, in reality don't give two hoots about anyone but themselves.
It's hurtful and upsetting but the sooner you can reconcile youself to it the better.

I would try and offer support to Grandfather and Uncle and withdraw from parents. When they (parents) comment that they don't see you I would say you are busy helping their relatives. Shame them into ending this petty feud.

Oh that sounds so fraught

I think you have to accept them precisely as they are. For whatever reason they are a toxic pair. You can't expect anything from them at all - as you have seen, even the most dire circumstances madness no difference to their behaviour.

I'd also be wary of alloting good and bad roles - the roles within a dynamic like this (ie between your parents) are complex and not as clear cut as may appear.

Sadly, your uncle is going to have to face the very painful reality of the situation ie that your parents are abandoning him in his hour of need. So sad and so painful.

It's up to you if you break ranks and go to your uncle's side. You don't owe your parents your loyalty - you are an adult and can make your own choice.

You don't have to make a speech about it - in fact I very specifically wouldn't iiwy - but actions speak louder than words.

I'm so sorry you're facing this. Your poor uncle.

Thanks so far...

There have been issues with my parents stemming back to when I was old enough to remember. Things in childhood that could have been managed differently and that have certainly had an indelible impact. Example: completely mis-managing a sibling’s behaviour towards the rest of us, almost facilitating cruel and unreasonable behaviour and a level of protection and financial assistance to some but not all of us.

It’s taken this to really unfold to the scale that it now has with my poorly Uncle for me to realise so many things and resurrect countless old scenarios which simply haven’t been fair. My expectations have been kept so low by my mum that I almost feel awkward on the very rare
occasion she pays for coffee and a cake. Given I’ve been on maternity leave with a reduced income not once has there been any acknowledgment or indeed actual support, even though they’ve given massive support to my my older siblings with property renovation. (We have had huge cost over the last decade with our house which I’m pleased to say is complete but without a dime from them). This has dawned on my husband who has spent every last penny of his income on our house as they’ve helped said siblings and watched us struggle.

It certainly feels like this recent issue with my uncle has been the defining moment bringing clarity on years of confusion and doubt about their behaviour and treatment of us all.

I’m not sure how we handle them going forward. I know my husband has already stopped playing the role of supportive son in law as any attempts he’s made over the years at building relationships with them have been futile.

Low contact is easiest I suppose; just making sure I do enough / show enough interest to not get completely side-lined and ostracised by the others due to my Mother’s twisting of this stupid situation.

I think what bothers me more than anything is that they’re making a choice now to go down the route which causes hurt and upset when they could easily make a u-turn and show some support for not only my uncle but my dying grandfather.

Have you read Susan Forwards Toxic Parents? Do. It will make a lot of sense.

You sound lovely btw, grounded and solid. Well done, with parents like yours.

Who's the scapegoat in your family? There's clearly a golden child..

Elements of this are echoed in my Mum’s behaviour, particularly towards my Dad’s family. She acts as a mouthpiece for him so I’m never sure whether something is his opinion or hers.

I can’t say I’ve got any good tips though as I’ve not managed to change the dynamic in my family. I guess all you can do is go LC and try and put the time in to helping your uncle instead, as it sounds like he could do with it.

Could you perhaps step in for your uncle and grandfather. Build a better relationship with them and go low contact with your parents.

What are you doing for your uncle/grandfather? Sorry if I missed it in your post.

Your parents are who they are and they have their own lives to live, as do you. You can’t change them. Given who they are, do you want them in your life? If so, you need to decide on what terms. Are you happy seeing and speaking with them once in a while, keeping your distance?

You have no real say in this situation other than what you directly choose to do for your grandfather and uncle. Trying to manage the relationships between your parents and their relatives is an exercise in futility.

If you can’t rely on your parents for practical childcare support or financial aid you need to live your life as if those things aren’t going to happen and if they do it’s a nice surprise. I get that it stings feeling like you’re being treated less favourable than other relatives but they don’t owe you anything so treat whatever time or money comes your way from them as the gift that it is.

You talk about being stressed as a family unit: if you’re an adult, this is your family of origin but not really your family unit anymore, that’s you and your DH and children. You can take a step back and not get enmeshed in all of this and let them deal with it how works best for them.

Very similar situation in my family. I won't go into too much detail but my mum has only her mum, my dad has three siblings, both parents. Over the years my mum has subtlety kept my dad and her distant from his family and there's now quite the void. She also doesn't do much for her mum. My dad's dad had been ill a long time and my dad fails to help out. Fortunately there are others to carry the burden.

To be honest, I've left them to it. I've stopped trying to address any family issues with them as my mum is just impossible to speak to about it and can't see anything from anyone else's point of view on this subject. So what I've done is supported all the other family members how I feel it's right. I visit my mum's mum a lot, I help her a lot (despite two young children and full time work as I feel that's the right thing to do) and I support my extended family on my dad's side and do what I can. I long since realised that what they do is not a reflection on me as a person and because they don't help doesn't mean I don't have to. As such I have a really close relationship with all my extended family and they recognise that I do what I can and have a different opinion on me to the one they do of my parents.

In the last twelve months my mum has made more of an effort. I think seeing what I'm doing has embarrassed her into action somewhat.

Help however you can, even if it's just making phone calls. Tell your uncle your embarrassed about their lack of contact and that you've tried to fight his corner but you're hitting a brick wall. Don't labour the point, but be there for him and your grandfather in an appropriate way for your circumstances and relationship with them both. My advice is to let your parents worry about their own relationship with them. Good luck.

With these type of people there is no point in trying to show their unfairness because they'll just lie or delude themselves. You just have to console yourself their life if probably quite empty and shallow. Don't get sucked into he said, she did, he has blah blah because it will mean nothing to them. My PIL constantly help my SIL with money despite her treating them like crap and being unemployed. Apparently she's wonderful because she volunteers to sell poppies -so could presumably get a paid job.

my husband is off work with depression and stomach issues. I'm on mat leave. We've had no help except MILs obvious attempts to get rid of me and take over DD-- occasional offers of childcare for an hour. When DH was prescribed antidepressants she didn't acknowledge it but instead text him back to remind him of SILs birthday. They haven't spoken for 7 years.... I'm sure if you asked PIL they'd say they do everything and have been wonderful.