Absolutely dreading Christmas - family strife!

[JK1773]

My family, as in my parents and siblings has totally fallen apart! My parents are together but haven’t exchanged any more than a few civil words in months. My DF and my DB had words a few weeks ago, that had been brewing for ages after my DB made a decision my DF didn’t agree with (DF in the wrong in my opinion). DF just sits there sulking ALL THE TIME. Or tries to persuade me that he is the wronged party. I tell him I’m not getting involved, I wasn’t there and I’m not taking sides. My DM refuses to speak to DF about anything really at all. We’re all at my parents for Xmas. I can’t bear it. My DB has DC who I love dearly. They’ll be fine but it’s the adult conflict, sulking, snide comments and general unhappiness I can’t stand.
I try to stay peacekeeper but I can’t do it any more. It’s making me ill. Everyone is so so unhappy. I have a stressful busy job and always make time for visiting family on a Sunday. Usually same time every week. Last few weeks DM is never there when I go, yesterday DF wasn’t there either (normally he let’s me know if they won’t be in - always). I think he’s pissed off with me now because I’ve asked him repeatedly to either leave me out of it or to basically buck his ideas up with his sulking.
Now we’re all together at Xmas. After that my DB and his family are away, as are my parents (probably still not speaking). I’m going to be left home alone which is absolutely fine but I’ll be worrying about them all.
I just feel so sad. We’ve always been a close family but now nobody is speaking and as much as I try to stay neutral I now feel I’m being avoided too.
It’s making me ill. I’m at home crying as to how it’s come to this. I can’t see any way to sort it out (my DF is acting like he hates his own son and GC at the moment and has no wish to sort it out). He’s the key to resolving this, it’s like he’s not thinking straight at all.

Just to add, my DF is generally kind, funny and generous but he gets into these black moods. My DM, when she takes the huff, just refuses to speak. I’m just so so tired of it. I’ve a busy day tomorrow and I can’t eat, I’ve thrown my dinner away uneaten. I don’t want to add to anyone’s problems by telling them how unhappy I am by all this. I’m tired of pretending to be ok. I’m just so exhausted and weary.

but I’ll be worrying about them all.

This is your problem, not them.

They are adults. You absolutely MUST let them knock themselves out. It's none of your business, you must step away.

Have you looked at codependency? Melodie Beattie's books are good.

It is my business when DF keeps trying to drag me into it and when literally every member of my family is upset. The others talk to me about how difficult it is. I try to support them all as far as I can but I can’t do much. I’m not suggesting I can solve this, I can’t. Much as I’d love to. The co-dependency suggestion although well meant is way off the mark. I see my parents for maybe 2 hours a week and rarely speak to them in between. I visit them, they never come to me. Think DM has been once since I moved in.
I’m sad that we were all so close as a family (not unusually so) and now it’s all so sad and broken. I don’t know what I’m even asking really. I could not go at Xmas but then I wouldn’t see the children and that would hurt me

Ask you DB round Christmas Eve and have Christmas Day with friends

How about not going? Tell them the strife is intolerable and will ruin Christmas. It's not in your power to make them behave better but it is in your power to stay well out of it.
See your brother and kids just before or after.
Find an alternative. See friends or volunteer.
You are not your family's Christmas hostage.

It’s difficult isn’t it? Staying away would hurt my DM, i feel I have to go. My DB and SIL also have no choice this year but to go there with the kids for several reasons. I suppose it’s just one day. To be honest I think my parents will split after Xmas

You can be codependent without spending vast amounts of time each week with them. Two hours every single week is a lot more contact with parents than many people my age have (thirties). But it’s more the stuff you’ve said about how you’re reacting to what’s going on in your parent’s relationship and siblings that suggests some codependency, I agree with PP who advised you read into it. You’ll likely find you recognise quite a lot in what you see.

It is my business when DF keeps trying to drag me into it and when literally every member of my family is upset.

It really isn’t your business unless you want it to be. You can refrain from being ‘dragged in’, if it is causing you distress. You’re a grown up, you get to choose who you spend time with and how engaged you are with someone else’s problems.

From what I can see, it sounds like your parents and brother have problems but you’re taking them on as your own, it all sounds very melodramatic (throwing your dinner away?)

I tell him I’m not getting involved so stick to it :)

You can feel upset, sure, but you can’t be peacekeeper and it comes across like you very much want to be, or you enjoy on some level all of this drama and enmeshment as you’re still engaging. It’s working for you on some level.

I would recommend you seek some kind of therapy to talk about your own boundaries and assertiveness and the weird family enmeshment you’ve got going on, where it’s come from and how to continue moving on with your own life.

I would also advise you don’t go to theirs for xmas, if they’re acting like this they aren’t fit for guests and I think it’s better for you and them for you to give them some space and focus on your own family and friends for a bit. And if they’re not respecting your stated boundaries and are continually trying to ‘drag you in’ they’re not treating you very well either.

How’s the rest of your life outside of your family of origin? It can be tough when you’re a grown up and stuff happens in your birth family, but it helps if you have your own life and stuff going on, your own friends and hobbies and stuff to focus on.

You feel how you feel though and should be kind to yourself, let yourself cry and offload. But don’t try and fix this, or stress yourself out trying to work out what you can do. You can’t. It’s out of your hands. If you struggle to focus on your own life cos you can’t stop letting all of this family of origin stuff get you in such a state I really would recommend reading about codependency. It’s not an insult to suggest that.

Could your db and family come to yours instead?

My life is good thank you outside of this mess. I have a good professional job, a healthy social life, I’m single, happily so.
To suggest I’m somehow enjoying the drama is actually very very hurtful. The drama makes me feel sick. I’m worried about my DF. That’s probably what it boils down to. He’s causing huge upset and can’t see that it’s down to him at all. He’s a very complex character with very valid reasons for being so, which means that my childhood was not easy at times. I’m sad that I thought he was better, he has been for years but he’s deteriorated in his emotional well-being in my opinion and his bad old ways seem to be back 😞

You need to step away for your mental health.
I would write them all a very factual unemotional note about how it is affecting you (without laying any blame anywhere) turn your phone off and book into a spa for 3 days over Christmas. Take an iPad and a whole load of movies
They are NOT your problem.
I did this one year. My DM was awful to me. I cancelled my visit to theirs. I got enough food for a week, a log delivery and put my pyjamas on and didn’t leave the house for a week. It was the most rested I have ever been.....

@springydaff I just took a look at parental codependency. It’s not what I thought it was at all! Oh my goodness. That’s it! My DF does manipulate me, he tries to make me feel guilty, he tries to make me take his side and is the victim all the time. It’s more subtle and less extreme than some of the examples I’ve read about but there it is. I need to read more. Thank you. At least I can start to work on this for me

Most people don't get what codependency actually is until they have a look.

So glad for you you've found the beginnings of a way through this xx

I really wouldn't go. It's got disaster written all over it.

You might find you feel better after you've made a positive decision.

I agree. In my work I deal with abusive relationships to a degree but not adult parent/child ones. I’ve heard if codependancy but not in this context. Lord knows what I will be doing about this. There’s no way in a million years he’ll understand this. I can’t speak to him about it, I think it’s coping strategies that are the key

just cut them out , I did it years ago Christmas is much happier with me and the kids.

It sounds horrible.

The thing is, whether you wade in or try and step out and stay neutral, there is nothing you can do to make it better for any of them. You can’t solve it, you can’t make them happier because it is all locked within each of their personal patterns and manipulations.

Honestly, I would say clearly and directly “love you all but it’s a good year to do something different this year” and spend the day with friends. Is that possible?

Spend the day with friends?

Have you actually done this Bean, or is this a Richard Curtis view of Christmas?

Do you have friends who are free at Christmas?

They are adults. They do not need you to manage them and their interpersonal relationships. You do NOT have to play 'peacemaker'. You have chosen that role, or agreed to be placed into that role. You are all stuck in a groove of relating that is toxic and unhealthy.

I'd step aside and honestly I would seek good counselling because this is an unhealthy, toxic dynamic and you deserve better than to be enmeshed in it. But YOU need to make the change.... on your own, for yourself.

Just re-read your post about coping strategies...... please please seek good counselling. You need it for your sanity. I say this as a child of someone who was thrust into the role of peacemaker....she's in her 70s and still stuck in that role, and the times when she is not the family peacemaker she is the family scapegoat for interfering. This sort of thun ruins lives and when you are in the middle of it you can't see your way out.

please keep writing here also.... it might help in the meantime to get other perspectives on things.