If your parents say something stupid/horrible/whatever to you, how do you respond?

[MeadowHay]

As a teenager I had a distant, stormy relationship with both of my parents and it definitely significantly contributed to my poor mental health. Gradually our relationships improved after I moved out into another city for uni and saw them less! I moved back to our home city about 18 months ago and DH and I also have a baby. We live about a 5 min walk from my family home, where my parents still live. I see DM in particular usually a few times a week, often take the baby and have my tea there when DH isn't back from work until late. We get on pretty well generally. I also get on ok with DF although I think a lot of that is because I bite my tongue and don't react to some of the horrible things he says. As an adolescent I would always respond, and then we would just argue all the time, he (and DM to a lesser extent) would never admit what they said was wrong/not nice or whatever, never apologise, and we'd just be constantly arguing. Over the last few years I have cooled off and felt there was no point so now I literally just ignore anything they say that upsets me. However I am considering how in the not-too-distant-future, DD will be able to understand what they are saying. I hope that they would not say those things in front of her, and I think they wouldn't, but I'm not 100% sure.

Random examples of the top of my head (feel free also to tell me that I'm being way oversensitive!):

• DD is a crier, as was I, so DPs are great with her, and well-used to it, and have been a big support to me. They came round for a bit last night as I was worried about DD with her cold as she was screaming unconsolably for hours, and DF is a HCP so he came round to check on her and support us a bit. He was great with her and a big help, but he often goes on about how she is "bad tempered" when she's doing her screaming fits. This really bothers me because I feel like it's an inappropriate label for a baby that is clearly distressed/in discomfort, and I worry about him saying it when she's big enough to understand, and upsetting her/pigeonholing her perseonality at such a young age.
• Once when DF came to visit DH and I soon after I announced I was pregnant to them, because I was severely ill with HG so didn't have much of a choice, he said "you shouldn't even be having a baby anyway" and then made a comment that my future career aspirations were obviously not going to happen anymore, after my DM asked me about I planned to do, and I answered.
• A few days ago DM commented in response to me saying that DH makes his own sandwiches for work, and then makes me some at the same time (as DD is a very demanding baby), saying "he makes his own sandwiches?! What kind of a housewife are you?" I replied that I am not a housewife, I'm on maternity leave (and she knows how difficult DD is and that especially in the first few months I found it difficult to find time to eat, as she would often come over at like 2pm in the afternoon and I would have barely eaten anything, I'm thinner now than pre-pregnancy!), and she replied that when she had me and my DB were little, she made lunch for my DF and my DUncle who was staying with them for a few months, like she wanted some gold star for that and just to point out my incompetence.

So how would you have responded in the above situations? Am I over-sensitive? Is it worth arguing when otherwise we get on well and we get lots of support from them, which I really appreciate? They really do A LOT for us, they were great parents and are great grandparents and have provided financial support in the past, and continue to provide lots of practical support when we need it. It's just sometimes they say things that I find hurtful.

Hmmmm... I hear you.

Example 1, not very nice but could give benefit of doubt at an awkward way of phrasing it.

Example 2, definitely off

Example 3, bonkers. It's not the 1950's

I don't know what the answer is though. My DF and I had a cooled relationship now and I just tend to ignore anything he says, but pull him up straight on any racism, homophobia, Brexit rants. We all do it thankfully.

I think you get on well with them purely and simply because they have trained you to be both totally complaint and obedient to them. They may well have provided for you materially but emotionally they are bereft and cold towards you and now your own family unit. They have not changed since your own childhood.

What would your response have been if a friend had done this?. You would not have tolerated it, your parents are really no different. It’s not your fault they are the ways they are, you did not make them that way.

I would look again at your boundaries re your parents and consider putting more mental as well as physical distance between you and they. I do not think they were good parents to you when you were growing up because they seem both emotionally deficient themselves. Like many such people as well your parents have in all likelihood never apologised nor have taken any responsibility for their actions. It may well come to pass that your understanding of them being good parents at all will be severely tested with you actually finding them wanting. You writing that they were good parents seems to me to be a form of denial on your part particularly given your own relationship with them as a teen.

I do not like the sound of your dad at all and his comments towards your own daughter in calling her bad tempered were wrong on all sorts of levels. Your mother seems to enable her husband and acts very similarly to him. What you write of them does not lead me to believe they were great parents at all towards you actually let alone great models of grandparents now.

And no you are not over sensitive at all, not in the least. That is a charge that such parents actually level at their adult offspring.

You may well want to read and post on the well we took you to stately homes thread on these pages.

Their support is anything but, they think they own you with you oweing them big time.

I think, just from the brief insight you have written, that perhaps you are a touch over sensitive to comments. @AttilaTheMeerkat has completely blown it out of proportion.

You see them a few times a week and have meals with them, your DF came round when you were concerned about DD, you admit they provide you with a lot of support.

Honestly, I think they make these comments with no intention to hurt you, lots of people equate furious crying to being bad tempered, it doesn't mean anything, it's a throwaway comment due to her crying so ferociously. Some children do grow to be bad tempered anyway!

The comment about you shouldn't be having a baby was hurtful but it sounds like it came from a place of being concerned about your career and future prospects. I'm sure now DD is here they wouldn't swap her!

Finally the comment about the sandwiches is very old fashioned but times were different when your Mum was young, a housewife's role was to do it all back then. You said your piece in reply and that should be it. My DF is 70 and often tells me I should be cooking my DH's dinner as he's working, I tell him DH is capable of cooking it himself and we move on.

I think you need to be less sensitive or you are going to end up resenting them even more and losing a supportive relationship with them

why Is op at all sensitive here?. I do not think she is at all being over sensitive here with regards to her emotionally bereft parents. Just because they provided material things does not automatically make them good parents. In the example cited, ops child was in distress because she was unwell, the child is not being bad tempered at all.

Hi OP, my mum does the same. When I say I'm having a hard day with the DDs she'll tell me how she has no support, how I say I'm tired from work- she'll chip in that I only work so I can have my hair done/buy clothes etc. That I shouldn't be mixed feeding DD2 because I didn't DD1, the way we all sleep together is wrong etc. DD1 is now 4 & I've finally realised she's jealous. She'll never call me a good parent. Even my STBXH tells me I'm an amazing mum and we barely like each other anymore

OP I can COMPLETELY empathise.

You probably are being a little 'over-sensitive' but this is as a direct result of being consistently criticised. I would imagine you are on hyper alert to guard against the next hurtful comment.

Unfortunately IME I have been resolutely unsuccessful in making them understand how I feel that they treat me. They don't get it, they never will, they certainly won't own it. Bottom line they just don't care enough about me to try to put it right.

You probably need more distance and some boundaries. Accept practical and financial help if you wish but be aware that this may be a means to control you/keep you in line.

Family - and especially parents - think they can say whatever they want, it's the over familiarity thing and they know better... My dad was complete arse and when he kicked off (saying my marriage will end in divorce and don't think you're coming back here stuff) - I would simply go home and not visit for a while.

My mum recently said that my 20 year old daughter brought on the domestic abuse herself because she was too forward. I calmly explained that it wasn't hr fault. Speak civily to my mum because she is outdated, but not to dad who was just out of line.

The bottom line is that I have my own house to escape to, which I do.

I agree with WakeUp. They are of a different generation and you can't change them. Sounds like they are completely supportive of you and obviously think the world of you all. My Mum has said some deeply hurtful things to me over the years but I know she loves me and did not intentionally set out to upset me. Sometimes I bite my tongue, sometimes I retaliate, sometimes I laugh! They are not some hired help that you can dismiss, they are your parents and you need them. In the kindest possible way, you might want to work on your self-esteem. If they cross a line, then tell them. You are an adult now!

Thanks, mixed responses. I actually posted a thread about my relationship with my parents on here once ages ago and everyone piled in to say they were emotionally abusive, which I think was unfair tbh, and also some of the things especially with DF are cultural differences which are v. difficult for someone with no insight or experience into that culture to understand properly.

It's not just financial help we have had from them though and we do have a lot of good times together as an extended family. It's even little things like when DD is unwell they message me each day to see how she is, if I'm unwell DM offers to come round to help look after DD so I can have a sleep or help me with anything, DF occasionally gives me a lift somewhere if he can and I could really do with it etc. Just little things but that make a big difference for us. Someone said they think I owe them - that is true. They've basically said as much, however in DF's culture that is really the mindset of the parent-child relationship and tbh whilst I wouldn't go that far and I certainly won't be saying certain things DF did to me to my child(ren), I do sort of believe that human society is based on reciprocity and I am grateful for how they help me, not so much as a child as obviously children don't ask to be born and all parents have a duty to their children, but I don't necessarily believe parents need to do all the things my parents do for me now as an adult and I recognise that in the future I hope to reciprocate. Partly out of duty but mostly because I want to, in appreciation. Isn't that common amongst people anyway, for example people that end up caring for their elderly parents etc? I don't think it's a completely bad thing, relationships depending.

I guess what I was hoping from this thread is to hear experiences from people with perhaps similar relationships with their parents - overall good, but with testing comments sometimes thrown at them - and to listen to how you deal with those comments, and how you react, so I can think about appropriate reactions for myself, I guess depending on how annoyed I am!

Hoot with laughter with DH about it usually. It's expected and can come from either parent. Occasionally I'll get ragey. And cry a bit.

Saying that though it stems from ignorance and lack of diplomacy. Both my DPs love me unconditionally. So probably not as difficult as some others.

It can be useful to remind your parents that times have changed and what used to be ok simply isn't now. It's also ok to call out inaccuracies if they're telling you a story to make themselves look good that's clearly fabricated. MIL is the worst for this. She was the first to tell me how she painted walls on ladders at 8 months pregnant when I was having a difficult pregnancy. I joked that they'd do an ss referral these days as you're expected to put baby's safety first. It did help to nip it in the bud.

My Dad can be the same, sometimes he can say hurtful comments about my ds's and I just tell him if he has an opinion then tell my Sm and not me.
He too is a BRILLIANT Dad, I adore him but he just seems to say what he thinks, and seems to think that because my DC are now older that it's ok - it's not! They are still MY flesh and blood and I don't want to hear it.
One time when my youngest was little, Dad said something hurtful but thought I'd take it as a joke ( I don't think he actually means to do it, he just has no filter) and I was so cross I text my brother saying "Dad has really pissed me off".....except I didn't send it to my brother, I accidentally sent it to my Dad
It got the message across that time though!
I'd just suggest saying something back in a jokey but slightly serious tone. It sounds like they are very old fashioned so there may be no changing them.

Feel your pain. At times I can really fly off the handle and might storm out, depending what was said. I always felt like they would judge me and I can't openly be who I am honestly am to them, it's so hard. Not bad parents as such but definitely not really your friend either.

Oops ,* openly be myself to them I meant lol

I get this a lot too but I am a bit over sensitive. I will call them out if they are really out of order.. The older I get, the less sensitive I am and can laugh it off, it usually makes for a good story later in the evening with DH.

Certain people on here won't be happy until they have convinced us all that we should cut off everyone that upsets us with a throw away comment.

Yes, I agree with you AboutThat (I first wrote: I agree with you about that, AboutThat ).

Puppy My parents both love me unconditionally too. DF can in a worse case scenario go a bit weird and difficult for a few months if we have a BIG argument/disagreement about something (although that hasn't happened since I got married, but then since that big drama I've been more conscious of avoiding those kinds of drama wherever possible...), but will always come around/calm down eventually.

I agree with PP saying that they don't mean to intentionally hurt me, they definitely don't, and on the odd occasion when I've become very visibly upset about something that they've done or said, they have clearly become upset and felt bad too (although still not apologised...!). The thing is though, if I upset them (or more specifically, DF) unintentionally, and usually it's not by things I've said to them, but things I've chosen to do or say elsewhere that imo has nothing to do with them at all, but he finds out, he gets stupidly upset about it and says mean things to me and can spend days whinging/shouting/crying (yes, really ) about it and he always insists I've done it purposefully to upset him, even when it's literally got nothing to do with him whatsoever . I can't give specific examples without it being really outing but idk if anyone can relate to this at all?

Also parents sorta like mine, how are they with DH, and if the criticise DH (to you, when he's not around), how do you respond? This is something I feel unsure about too because they seem to be doing it more as time is going on, I think because I've let them get away with it in the past (through literally ignoring and not responding, as I usually do when they criticise me), but also I think it's because they also love him and see him as sort of another child (especially cos DH has had little-to-no relationship with either of his parents since we got engaged in our late teens - we are mid-20s now), so there's that overfamiliarity thing that PP mentioned they have with me, they have it with him too to a degree. However they don't say stuff to his face like they do with me, and are much 'better behaved' to me as well when he is around .

Aboutthat i am offended by your comment.
If you think 'certain people' cut off both their parents at the drop of a hat you are wilfully misunderstanding the heartbreak and pain that being forced into that position entails.

MeadowHay

What you write about your parents in your initial post is disturbing because they choose to behave like this towards you. You have grown up with this dynamic and regard it as normal. I put it to you that it is not and I do feel they will start on your child and use her also as a means of getting at you in the process. It is nothing to do with their culture or where they are from, abuse has no colour or creed boundaries.

How does your initial post at all square with your recent comment suggesting that this relationship is overall good but with sometimes testing comments thrown at you. It really does not. You can continue to reside in your own vortex re your parents but they will not let you be your own person here. They also think of you as an adult couple as both children and with you additionally being an extension of them. That is why your dad goes off on one when you act poorly. They gave materially but emotionally they are bereft, particularly your dad. It is not your fault they are the ways they are.

They have also not made mere throw away comments to you either, this is really how they feel about you and it’s designed to wound.
Your parents act like they do because they can and you have been conditioned by them into accepting this because you know no different. You have also written about your parents at length before now and I am not the only one who have called them emotionally abusive. This type of stuff as well is really insidious in its onset and is very hard to recognise. They will continue to do as they do now with the result that you will feel crap.

How would you deal with a friend speaking to you in the manner in which your parents do. You would not tolerate it from them would you and your parents are no different.

I would suggest you read up on obligation and guilt because you seem very olbligated to them. They made you fee this way and they have used money to further control you in the guise of helping you. It was never without cost to you. Think too about your boundaries here with regards to the because they really do need work here.

I have never written the words you should cut them off but I would caution you in all your dealings with them as a couple going forward. Going no contact is not done on a whim and certainly not without much soul searching and seering pain beforehand.

And I do not think you are over sensitive at all, that is a charge often lobbed at adult offspring who have been unfortunate enough to be raised by people who used their children as the scapegoats for all their inherent ills.

People like your parents also do not apologise because they do think they have done nothing wrong here, but nor do they accept any responsibility for their actions,

It’s your life MeadowHay ultimately but do not let them harm your child who is your most precious resource here in the ways that you have been hurt to date.

I had a childhood of being constantly belittled by my parents, non stop little put downs. As individual comments they could be excused, ignored, shrugged off. However when you look at the bigger picture it's not a pleasant one and I think unless you've been exposed to this you have no idea how defensive and sensitive you become to such comments......with good reason!

Will they change? Possibly not. Can you try calmly telling them how you feel?

My dad is dead but I no longer speak to my mother due to her behaviour. She carried it on when dd was old enough to pick up on it.

Posting for support. I have the very same thing from my mother.
"you were all in bed by 7" "Just be a good little housewife". I do think it's a generational thing, but it's not acceptable behaviour.
My mother in law has been having digs at me for years (also had the -my daughter is a moody mare/madam) but now she is constantly on at my son for every little thing, he actually cried last time he saw her.
So you see, it doesn't stop. I now have to do something as its hurting my kids now.
Just awful I know, and I'm seriously just going to go no contact as I have no idea how to deal with it.

Just some examples over the years:
Mother : My husbands' job as an IT professional is just admin/ Just pull the hair at the back of their necks like I used to/ My possible ASD son is all down to my parenting /I'm weak/mad/They need a good hiding.
Mother in Law : When pregnant with 2nd child-How will you cope you'll get grey hairs/ You've failed at being a parent as shes a moody madam/ On being made redundant (both me and my husband) -so you think you're retired now. When my daughter wanted cuddles with gran, she was rejecting me as her mother!

Sorry to hear about other people in similar situations.

The difficulty with me is that on balance, I have a positive relationship with both of them, definitely with DM in particular, and I know I would lose out significantly by having more difficult/distant/or no relationships with them. I do believe like with any relationships that if they're causing you distress and you don't get much out of them, they need to be reevaluated and I do understand why some people become v. distant, or go NC. DH is NC with both his parents (although both initiated by them! but he has now decided to continue and turned down an opportunity presented by one of them to get in contact again), and for bloody good reasons, although I'd support him whatever he wanted to do, and he'd support me likewise. But I get more positive out of my relationship with my parents than negative, far more. I can imagine my life without them and yeah, it would be grim and definitely make me more mentally unwell. I will now have people talk about co-dependancy, but I think there is a lot of projection on the relationships forum tbh, also people feeling the need to justify why they went NC or whatever, when in reality other people don't really care as it's none of our business anyway. But I do need practical ways to deal with their behaviours too when it is upsetting me.

Yes, I agree with you AboutThat (I first wrote: I agree with you about that, AboutThat ).

Haha, time for another name change I think.

Aboutthat i am offended by your comment.
If you think 'certain people' cut off both their parents at the drop of a hat you are wilfully misunderstanding

I think you misread my post @fc301