Am I falling for him?

[Sharkirasharkira]

I have been seeing a lovely guy for a few weeks, we have a lot in common and get on really well but after our first 3 or so dates he 'confessed' that he is battling mental health issues and has been for a while - he is suffering from depression and anxiety, and a few weeks before we met had been so suicidal he was sectioned. He is now much more stable, on medication and is receiving treatment via home visits etc.

He told me all this because he said he isn't sure if it's a good time for him to get into a relationship and he doesn't want to be unable to give me what I need right now. I've told him that I have no expectations of him, and that I am just there to support him as a friend for the moment, no pressure! I have been with someone with MH issues before and I really didn't know if I wanted to go there again because I know the issues it can cause but he is a very different person from my ex and I want to be there for him and help him. I have stayed on dating sites because I want to keep my options open but right now I am only seeing him. I'm rapidly losing interest in other guys that message me.

I have just spent the weekend with him and, honestly, I think I am falling for him. We just have so much fun together, we watch the same silly tv programmes, make jokes and just laugh ourselves stupid the whole time we are together. We cuddle, we hold hands, we kiss, we are intimate and tactile together. We've had sex (and it was good!) and we fall asleep wrapped in each other. We feel like more than just friends with benefits!

I'm conflicted. I guess my question is, should I continue to keep my options open and keep looking for someone who is more able and willing to have a relationship, should I be patient with him and wait for him to be ready, or should I just take a step back and let him work on his issues without complicating things for him? I don't know! I just want the best outcome for both of us.

He's totally got his cake and eating it with you! X

It's been a few weeks and he's already playing the "I'm so screwed up I can't have a relationship" card, while dating you. He's got you primed to be messed around.

He may well genuinely have MH issues, but it's not nice of him to say "I can't be in a relationship, we should just be friends" and then do relationship-py things with you and shag you. Although you should do a better job of policing your boundaries tbh.

He’s seen you coming a mile off.

He gets to have a pseudo girlfriend with all of the nice bits and none of the commitment.

If you’re happy with FWB arrangement continue by all means, but he has told you very clearly that he doesn’t want a relationship with you so frankly if you managed to convince yourself it’s ‘more then FWB’ solely based on how it feels around him then the consequences for your emotional health are on you.

It’s perfectly possible to act exactly like a couple would when you’re with a FWB btw, it doesn’t change the terms of the agreement.

To be fair he’s not acting like someone who doesn’t want a relationship.

Ever seen that Friends episode where Phoebe has to convince a guy she really likes to sleep with her because he says he doesn't want her to get 'all emotional' etc as things are all new and he's not sure he's ready for a relationship. So in the end she tells Joey proudly that she convinced him to sleep with her and she's totally cool with things being platonic as it's so early on, but then Joey points out now the guy never has to commit or even call her again.

I felt that with what you wrote.

This guy in Joey's words 'is a genius', he has given you as straight up excuse why he will only ever regard you as casual and you've agreed to it. Things aren't going to change. I think you like him too much to walk, but as someone who was led on with similar this time last year (although he pretended he would commit), this is really going to sting in the long run.

'This man is my God.' would be Joey's response. I need to rewatch Friends.

I am happy with a FWB arrangement at the moment, in all honesty I have been struggling with my own mental health issues recently so neither of us are probably in the right frame of mind for a relationship right now! My intention going in was definitely to keep it casual. But, I do feel myself developing more than friendly feelings for him..

His MH issues are 100% real and not just a made up excuse - I have seen the cuts on his arms and been in the room when his treatment team have called. So I don't doubt that side of things is true. What I'm doubting is - does he not want a relationship NOW due to this, or does he not want one EVER. He is quite a shy guy and does not seem the type to lie or manipulate people to get what he wants (obviously I realise I don't know him that well so he could be!) I'm pretty sure that if I said no to more sex then he would be fine with that and we would remain friends.

There's a bit of a disconnect between "I'm happy being FWB" and wondering if you should wait for him to be "ready for a relationship". It's the blurring of boundaries that's going to get you hurt.

If you’ve got your own MH issues then falling for someone in a FWB scenario is about the worst thing you could do.

Why would you want to be there for someone you’ve only known for a few weeks? Who isn’t even offering a relationship.

You’re just throwing money down the drain.

What I'm doubting is - does he not want a relationship NOW due to this, or does he not want one EVER

Did you ask him?

I'm pretty sure that if I said no to more sex then he would be fine with that and we would remain friends.

You cant be friends with someone you're falling for! Fwb is going to fuck you both up even more! If you want to help him call time on this shagging and meeting up. This isn't going to end well and you must feel that in your gut already or else you wouldn't be on here! X

Oh gawd. Met one of these guys a few years ago. He told me he didnt want a relationship and i said ok and kept looking on pof and took him at his word. At that point i accepted it. He kept getting in touch and to begin with i was surprised. I was flattered he wanted to be my friend. Except after telling me he didnt want to be my boyfriend he then felt free to treat me exactly like a girlfriend. He saw no need to pay any attention to the usual boundaries. It was headwrecking.
be very careful