Advise needed- abusive marriage..Indian background

[nicknameismyname]

I am in an emotionally abusive marriage. I love my dh. We tried therapy, he was remorseful, admitted to therapist but had fights each week over after minor disagreements from me, blames me for his anger. I have been waiting for last several years for him to keeping his words and doing the work he promised to do but changes his mind.

His issues are - overreacting to normal complaint, doesn't let me speak, I argue back, ask me to go back to my country (India). We are in UK. In between fights, tells me I am the best thing happened to him. He can be nice and understanding in between. Very successful and respected at work. Has childhood trauma. Father physically abused dm. He told me a year ago. We are together for 6 years. His dm didn't leave and continued to tippy toe around his father and treated him with a lot of respect and gave excuses for his behaviour. His dad passed away few years ago, and his mum is very manipulative, lies, creates situation to cause misunderstanding between us and acts innocent in front of dh. I tried to understand given her painful past but she plays a martyr while interfering in every aspects of our life (only to me) and then creating misunderstanding between us. dh has recently got upset with me not understanding his attachment to something belonging to his father as we had recently discussed in couple therapy that dh was emotionally bullied as a child by his him. He told me he regrets talking to about his past and this escalated to him asking me to leave within days. Only 2 weeks ago he told me he can't see his life without me. We discovered in therapy dh was emotionally abused in his home as a child and now treats me the same way - love and disrespect as this is what he has learnt about love. I had been very patient with him in the beginning of our marriage for lashing out over minor things but now very resentful, anxious and fight back when he treats me in this way. We are having too many fights. I tried to talk to him, he says he has no hope of our future and says his life has toughen him and he can live rest of his life alone. I am too shocked I almost begged him to not end our marriage. He has left for a work trip and has sent me a text that it's hard for him to leave me like this, we will try for a month and if nothing changes we have our answer. He was very remorseful for his past behaviour a month ago, now he blames me again.

I still love dh and wants to work with him but he has asked me to work on his 'conditions' and when he sees I am working on those issues, he will work on his. I have become depressed lately and had to leave my job. He says I have too much time to brood over past.
Tone of his message and the fact he still doesn't care what I have been going through tells me, he won't change his attitude of disrespect.

As much as love him today, I don't want to spend rest of my life walking on eggshells. My dh can be wonderful at times. But I feel I can never trust his words. He has shown me he can left me anytime, anywhere not caring for how it would impact me. Strangely, he still has photo of me on his phone screen.
I am on spouse visa and can apply to remain here permanently after 6 months. I don't have much family left in my country (mum and aunt). My father was narc and I am the only child. Also, I sometimes worry about all the judgemental I will receive, this is my 2nd marriage. I don't know what to do. I am over 40. I have no confidence left to start life again in India. But life here is very lonely and difficult too. Sometimes I think I should tolerate this a bit longer as I am just 6 months away from permanent residency. Finding it very hard to cope. I haven't had a single conversation with a person in real life in last 4 days.
I have started to feel I am co-dependant myself for not focussing on my life, career. I am too much of a mess to take actions to bring back my life on track. Please advise. Thank you. I am sorry for this long post.

Please can you advise? Didn't mean to ask only Indians.

Stay with him for the 6 months. Figure out what you want to do, get all your ducks in a row and if after the six months you want to leave him, then leave him but at least you'll have a plan.

This is your life and you get only one shot at it, this is not about your community and what they think of you now you are looking at the end of a second marriage. Its not your fault he is abusive towards you and you did not make him that way. His parents are abusive themselves.

You cannot stay with him at all now; he will continue to have you walking on eggshells as well as destroy you emotionally from the inside out if you stay with him for whatever reasons.

Joint counselling is actually NEVER advisable if there is abuse of any type within the relationship. No counsellor should ever have seen the two of you together and that person clearly did not and does not understand the abuse dynamics present within your relationship. Not surprisingly the counselling failed, it was never going to succeed. Actually if this person is registered with a counselling body like the BACP I would report them.

I would also think you are confusing love here with codependency; his actions towards you are not loving ones. His own family background is abusive from childhood as well which should have made you think no I cannot marry this person. I guess you were not fully aware of how dysfunctional and abusive his own background is. Like practically all abusive people they can do nice and nasty very well but the nice/nasty you see from him is all part of the cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

I would speak asap to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and the Rights of Women organisations as they can and will help you here. You need to find out exactly where you stand legally in terms of your immigration status.

Another organisation you can and should call is this one; the Asian Womens Resource Centre. They help Asian women who are in an abusive relationship and their phone number is 020 8961 6549. All calls are confidential.

www.asianwomencentre.org.uk/

Thank you Mumof3 and Attila for your replies.
He told me about abuse in his family after 5 years of marriage, to make me understand his mum's present behaviour. He doesn't think he needed to tell me before me were married.
I know his actions towards me are not loving ones. I have been researching abuse for a long time. Ours is not exactly a straight forward control issue. He is not doing it intentionally. He has poor coping skills and is v sensitive. Assumes bad intentions if I complain.
Expects me to be thoughtful and caring all the time. He asks me to go, when he sees me as not caring for his stress. I can't be caring and sensitive all the time.
There are nice qualities in him too. He says good things about me to people, compliments me on my cooking, encourage me on my career ideas, is caring if I am sick, doesn't force me to do anything, flexible about house work, helps at home.
But says nasty things when I complain.
A woman having 2 divorce is almost unheard in my country. I was judged very harshly after 1st divorce. Even at work people gossip. It' very hard to imagine if you haven't lived there. Thanks a lot for the link, I will check.
I can't report dh. He had a horrible past. I won't hurt him. I have seen his family guilt trip him to make him put their needs ahead of his. His dm really guilt trips him as she lives alone and doesn't want to make any efforts to improve her situation, doesn't travel despite no money issues. It seems he thought wife would be a perfect soul mate who would understand his feelings, stress, pressure without fail.