Selfish attitude/bad mother?

[babayjane67]

Hi
My dd is getting married early next yr&it was her hen night last weekend.
Myself&my sister have been living with our elderly mum in turns since she had a really bad turn &can no longer be on her own.we are doing it til new yr then review where we go from there.it can be quite stressful for us&emotionally testing&tiring.
My dd has already had one hen do hastily arranged couple of months ago as our original one was cancelled which I went to.this one though I told her I wasn't gonna go to as I was just too tired&stressed from everything going on with mum.
She was fine about it when I told her but her sister my oldest DD who arranged it all has had a right go at me saying my attitude is selfish I could do more etc etc! This was day or 2 ago&she hasn't spoken to me since.my DD who's do it was has been ok with me though said she was bit fed up&hurt I didn't go.ive apologised for hurting her as I didn't mean it&she said it's ok it's done now.
I also have a 10 yr old ds&a partner who works nights to work around all this.
I'm left feeling awful about not going&waking up in the middle if the night worrying about it.
Am I a bad mum&that selfish for not going?

I think you’re trying to keep a lot of plates spinning and you’re going to burn out. Your daughters need to develop some understanding and actually I think it’s time for a family meeting and asking your adult children to do more for your mother. I would tell them you are struggling and didn’t not appreciate being guilted about not going to a social function when you are exhausted with caring for your mother. They need to get a bit of perspective here. Have a family discussion with them all and perhaps your sister there too (does she also have adult children?)

I think eldest dd is from the generation that expects a ridiculous amount of energy for a hen night, and simultaneously lacks understanding of how exhausting caring for an elderly relative is, especially when you still have a youngish ds and a husband on nights. The sandwich generation I think youre called.

You are doing just fine. Go back to sleep.

Thanks for yr replies.
Victory we've had family meetings about this before when mum's been ill though not hospitalised.my 2 dds were helping out coming over once a fortnight 3 wks to do mum's housework.thats stopped though lately as my eldest DD is married with 2 kids of her own&youngest was poorly.
She asked me how my mum was when I saw her couple of days before hen do &I said it's ok but can be stressful& emotional &I had a tear or 2 nothing major so she took it in herself to ring my sister to ask if she needed to come help again.my sister said no we're managing u don't need to do anything.so part of my dds having a go aatme was to say I'm not doing enough I chose to have another child late in life so I've gotta work round it etc etc which is I am bloody doing!!
I work pt at my ds school too&they've been very good letting me come in on the days I can&getting cover when I can't.

Sorry Victory yes my sister does have adult kids too but they both full time.my sister is retired.

You went to the first hen do, that's more than enough. Most people would be able to understand that you are carrying a very heavy burden at the moment and adjust their expectations accordingly.
Actually, I just reread your post and saw this;
I'm not doing enough I chose to have another child late in life so I've gotta work round it etc and I think your daughters are utter bitches. I'm afraid that may be incurable though, or at least I don't know the cure for it.

so part of my dds having a go aatme was to say I'm not doing enough I chose to have another child late in life so I've gotta work round it etc etc

Your daughter can pull her sodding head in. You are still her mother, and that is not an appropriate tone for her to take to her mother. Where the hell does she get off.

Sorry, if I spoke to my mother like that, I'd have my arse handed to me on a plate, and I'd have fully earned it.

Your 2 daughter's need a slap.

Your need to have a bug fucking scream. Then tell them both how nasty and awful they were.

Fwiw when my granny needed caring for I helped. U derstood when plans got out j hold and made an actual efforts. Disgusted reading this and feel sorry for you. Grab your calls and show them not to fuck with you.

I agree that’s a really horrible comment about having a child later in life. It doesn’t matter that you had a child later in life, what matters is that you’re their mum and you’re struggling with a heavy workload. You didn’t ask for a sick mother but it’s what’s you have and you’re doing all you can. What you need from your adult family members is support, not condescension. She’s been very harsh to you and I wonder if a bit of a chat about empathy is due. She seems to forget that one day she might have a difficult teenager/troubled marriage/sick MIL and need your help.

Thanks all of us for yr replies.its made me feel bit better.
I did argue bk don't u worry!!
My partner said same as u dontdribble in that I'd already gone to the first hen do so what's she going in about!! Plus my sister's now probably wondering what the hell I've said to DD to warrant her calling! We haven't had a chance to talk about it yet.

They're not bad girls.they both love their gran dearly.youngest DD works full time.
Oldest DD has a sharp tongue in her at times!