Ex depression, wanting me back etc.

[Mumao]

My ex and I split in June, he moved out in August. We both have new flats but just across the road from each other. We have a 2yr old DD.

I suffered pnd and have endometriosis and ex was unsupportive, uncaring, couldn’t communicate etc etc. By the end it was terrible. I felt like he didn’t love me etc, at one point, thought he was having an affair.

Ff and I tell him I have casually started seeing someone (a couple of his friends had seen me out with new guy). Now ex is saying that he has been depressed and hasn’t been able to talk to me, just shuts down because of childhood issues and wants to fix everything.im so confused. He’s like a broken man.

I have ended things with new guy (wasn’t that into him anyway and this are too complicated).

Would I be mad to consider getting back with ex? After he’s had treatment?

Does anyone have any success stories?

And can we both get treatment as a family? Family counselling or something?

Somebody suffering from a mental health issue can become unbearable, joyless and self absorbed over time. This would make it difficult to connect within a relationship and communication would suffer. I think you will recognise this from your own PND.

Getting a medical diagnosis and treatment would be the first step for someone in resolving this and getting their life and relationships back on track. This is down to the person not their family or friends. Effective treatment can be transformative and can allow somebody to return to a balanced state of MH that allows them to fully engage with others.

So yes this is all possible. But you need to have assurance that he has been properly diagnosed and is complying with a recommended medical treatment plan. Many people will self diagnose and seek self medication, good and bad. This could be helpful but usually isn’t. Plus it is a sign they don’t really take the illness seriously nor do they care about the impact on others. It’s also a sign that he may be using MH issues as an excuse for his bad behaviour.

Get more information from him and try to see if there is a change in his behaviour and attitude. But if he is fundamentally selfish and uncaring then he will be that way depressed or not.

It takes a lot to help someone manage and recover from a MH issue and your own MH is at risk. So take be cautious and don’t over commit your emotional input. Especially for the sake of your child. If he is serious he will prove it to you. This is not your battle.

He probably contacted you and said this because he found out that you were seeing someone else.

Stay well away from your ex and love your own self for a change. How often too does he see his DD?. Is he reliable with regards to contacting her?. How do you know he will at all seek treatment in the first place, its actions that matter here and not mere words.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships?.

He is basically telling you what you want to hear; he is full of excuses for his own poor treatment of you so is no example to his child. Do not be dragged back full time into his life.

I get what you are both saying. I have told him I think he’s freaking out because I was seeing someone else. He is a fantastic dad and generally a good person.

I do believe him. The timing is questionable... I get that. I am in no rush to start things up again but if our problems have been mainly caused because we were both depressed/anxious, I think that our family deserves a second chance?

He’s going to the dr on Thursday and I’m going to contact my therapist

How was the relationship before? Have you fully recovered from your PND - and what have you learned about yourself during this time? Is he saying he was depressed at the same time as you or that the breakup triggered his depression? What help has he sought for this and where is he on his recovery journey?

Think you need to work out if he was unable (due to depression) or unwilling (due to being a c**t) to support your illness.

Relationship was great before the baby...

We both had tough childhoods and I think having our daughter triggers both of us at the same time. Only I admitted it and he didn’t.

I’m still receiving therapy and trying to get 100% back on my feet...

I really don’t think he’s nasty... I think he just surpresses his feeling and is unable to communicate them.

He has only admitted this a this weekend. I have said that I will help him.. I’ve said that there may be a chance for us to get back together but not now and he needs to sort himself out and I need to see changes. I’m going to make that 100% clear...

If you hadn't mentioned anything at all about seeing someone else, do you think he would have contacted you and said all of this?

From what you've written it seems unlikely. He was happy to be uncaring, uncommunicative, and depressed when it was just you and him. As soon as someone else pops along then suddenly now he's not okay, and not only that, but he's suddenly able to talk about it?

Entirely your call but I would absolutely not get your hopes up, at all. My prediction would be that if you got back together things would be better for about 6 months or less, and then the whole cycle would start again.

As Lemon said, if he has genuine problems then he needs genuine (professional) help, not just to bleat "I'm depressed" when he thinks you're with another guy and have you dump your new partner and get back with him out of sympathy. From his perspective it reads as though he said "I want you back" and you immediately dumped your new guy and said "Okay, sure". What kind of message do you think that sent him?

I suffered pnd and have endometriosis and ex was unsupportive, uncaring, couldn’t communicate etc etc. By the end it was terrible. I felt like he didn’t love me etc, at one point, thought he was having an affair

just re-read this every time he text calls and sobs at your door. Tell him to GTF.

OP sounds like you have a good handle on the situation. I would encourage and support him to get help for his depression and childhood trauma - as your DD needs an emotionally switched on Dad for her whole life. Would support him with this in mind. Whether you get back together is another situation. Both my DH and I had shocking childhoods - having children was v difficult - triggering with no template of how to parent - we split - sought individual counsel and then couples counselling and got back together. We are both transformed for the better as parents and partners.

Make sure he fixes himself in his own space and own time - do not even consider rebuilding until he has at least 6 months counselling under his belt and you have seen v clear changes in his actions (not just words)

Another20 thank you! Great to hear from someone with experience. Good to hear things worked out for you.

This is exactly what I’m thinking... I have no intention of getting back together with him right now. I will support him but will be mindful of my mental health whilst doing so. I want to see him change and then we could possibly start rebuilding our relationship. Couples counselling at the right time is the right way to go I think.

Thank you again