Split up or give him another chance?

[StarlightSparkle]

Regular poster in need of some wise words as I’ve decided to separate from H but him and his family are making me doubt myself.

Back story is that he had an affair last year lasting a couple of months with a (much younger) work colleague. Ended immediately on discovery (although it was very much on-going when I found out) and after much soul-searching I decided to stay with him and try and repair our marriage.

Since then he has worked really hard to try and be the perfect husband and father and done everything he can to reassure me and try to rebuild the trust. It’s like facing the end of his marriage was a huge wake-up call and made him realise what he had and what he could lose.

We’ve had lots of marriage counselling and I sort of understand why/ how it happened, BUT the problem is that I just don’t feel the same way about him anymore. I can’t look at him in the same light knowing he was capable of doing this to me and our family, and the feeling that we’re a team and ‘in it together’ despite life’s ups and downs has vanished.

Prior to finding out about the affair I was happy with my life but angry and resentful about some of his behaviour which could be incredibly selfish and left me feeling unsupported, alone and rejected. However in this past year he has completely changed and accepted that his behaviour was unfair and put a stop to it.

So now he is being the husband I wanted him to be, but I don’t think I love him anymore and it feels like it’s too late. I’ve told him I want to separate and he is now supposed to be finding a flat to rent but he is really upset and keeps begging me to change my mind.

He argues that he would never do anything like that again and he’s changed and I admit that, a year down the line, he has and my feelings are all down to past hurts rather than any complaints about his behaviour now. Am I being a pig-headed, grudge holder? Should I give him another chance? His family are upset with me for throwing in the towel and breaking their son’s heart. I feel that I’m doing the right thing even though in a lot of ways it’s the harder path but him and his family are making me doubt myself.

We have two primary aged children if it makes a difference (if not for them I would have walked a year ago).

Sorry to hear this is happening to you.

I think you are doing the right thing in ending the marriage. You have tried and you are not being vindictive or punishing him, you're being true to yourself now.

You sound strong, calm and honest. All the very best to you and dc xxx

First of all op, his family are not your consideration. You need to focus on what you want.
One year on is still quite early from dd but if you are sure you want to separate then you don’t need to qualify that.
Maybe you need to take a break from your marriage and get some space for yourself.
I’m sorry you’re going through this

So sorry op
But I hope his family where as caring when he decided to have an affair and break ur heart ! Works both ways. His actions have lead to this op not urs, he's maybe their blue eyed boy as such but they need to see this situation for what it truly is. He's not the person u thought he was and u deserve to be happy too.

You sound sure that you want to end it to me. You've given it a chance for the sake of your children and you've had time to reflect so it's not as though you're acting impulsively.

You need to ignore what his family are saying. They're always going to care more about him than they are about you. Of course they want you to suck it up to keep him happy. It's not them that has to live out a life with a man they no longer love or respect though, is it? Far too many people subscribe to the idea that when a man breaks something it's a woman's job to fix it and if she doesn't want to or can't, she's the one to blame for it being broken.

No matter how nice he's being now, you know that he has the potential to lie, cheat and be utterly selfish. Even now he's refusing to respect your decision and making it harder for you by begging you to change your mind. Trust your decision, ignore his and his family's pleas. Good luck, and I'm sorry he did this to you and your children.

I think you're saying that the hurt he caused you cut too deep and it's left a large scar which will never go away. I expect the trust has gone as well Somethings can't be repaired.

You are still at the early stages. The problem is it could take years to feel like you have an equal supportive relationship. But there is also a gamble that it may never happen.

You seem sure of your decision. Not separating could just be postponing the inevitable.

Would spending time apart - months not weeks - help both of you know what you want. I imagine you must feel smothered and not had time to process what happened or know what you truly want and need.

If you can’t truly forgive, and no reason why you should, then you should separate. Otherwise this will become something that eats away at you and your marriage. It sounds like you have tried to move on but you can’t. And I think I’d be the same.

You’ve always given him a second chance by not finishing your marriage as soon as you found out he had been having an affair. You’ve gone to counselling with him and you’re now a year on. You’re well within your rights to finish this marriage when ever you are ready.

I think his family are being awful by putting pressure on you.x

I think you are doing the right thing. You've really tried and it's not working out. You can't stay with him if you don't love him anymore. I wouldn't either. It's not your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty.

Hopefully you can both manage a 'friendly' divorce and hopefully you will both be able to work together to raise the kids.

Thanks all. I feel like they are making me out to be a pantomime baddie, even though that’s ridiculous in the circumstances! I don’t think I would have got this reaction if I’d left him straight away but I think they assumed me staying meant it would be forever.

Collidascope I agree with you that by refusing to accept it’s over he is still being selfish and putting his needs and wants first. I’ve been really honest in how I feel and told him I’m really unhappy and I don’t want to be with him anymore but he would still have me continue the relationship feeling this way because it’s what he wants.

Initially he will rent a flat for 6 months so it will be a bit of a trial period to see if having some space changes anything for me, but I’ll be surprised if it does.

Yohooo, absolutely, I want to keep things as amicable as possible for the sake of the children and once the dusts settles I think we could do well at co-parenting. I don’t hate him, I just don’t want to be married to him anymore.

You're me but further on OP. My DH had finished his short emotional affair when I found out but even though I'm at the trying stage. Got DCs and going to councilling etc I have made it clear that even though I'm here now I am making no promises for the future. The thing is the damage has been done. For some people they can recover, for others the relationship is completely broken.

I think you have done the best thing. No rushed choices, you've tried, it's broken. You have to do what is right for you (and therefore your DC) and don't let anyone guilt you. You gave it time, you tried but your opinion of him is altered and therefore your love of him too.

Sadly, if you believe all you hear/read on here and through friends etc, many many people don't have what it takes to remain faithful. So you could be swapping one rouge for another if you meet up with Someone else down the line. So also add that into your considerations. Better the devil who's trying to redress his bad behaviour perhaps ?
Or remain alone, or try and become a team again ? It's a shitty choice to make and I'm sorry that you are having to go through this.

You don't owe him or his family a damn thing starlight....fuck them!!

It was him that chose to compromise this marriage, you deserve the chance to be happy with someone who can keep their cock in their trousers as a MINIMUM.

You're not holding a grudge, you just simply can't look at him in the same light and understandably so imo.

"Trust is like a piece of paper; once it's been crumpled it can never be perfect again"

Good luck xx

You don't owe his family an explanation and their opinions are irrelevant. Don't engage with them about this. Deal directly with your husband.

I think you should take solace in the fact that you tried hard to make it work for the sake of the children. The cheek of his family making you out to be the baddie. The hell with them.

When you decided to stay with him, that was your decision at the time. That doesn't mean that you can't change your mind and decide 'actually, this isn't what I want now'. You might be the one ending the marriage, but he's the one who ruined it. Don't let him or anyone else's opinion stop you doing exactly what you want.

Hi OP, first of all I am so sorry to hear about what you are passing through. This is an awful experience and an complete violation of trust on your husbands part. I do not blame you for feeling the way you do and for considering the possibility of walking away from your marriage altogether.

However, I am going to give advice which is probably quite different to that of others on here. Its not that what they said is wrong but I have just a different perspective. I believe that marriage is something binding that you should not enter unless you are willing to work through and stay in forever. Your husband broke his vows to you when he cheated but that doesn't mean you should break yours just because he was an idiot. What I mean is that when I married my husband, the commitment I made meant something to me so strong that it was not just about him but about entering into something that I truly believe would never end. If my husband cheated then as much as I would probably be feeling similar thoughts to you, I would fight tooth and nail to keep my husband and fight back. I would give everything as I wouldn't wan to break my vows to my husband and to God.

The one thing that has jumped out at me from what you said is that you do not love him anymore. However, marriage is not just about love. Its about so much more than that. While your husband broke your trust, confidence and happiness in the marriage, these are all things you can build together again over time. Or at least spend some more time trying too. I would urge you to try and fall back in love with your husband. Go on date nights, weekends away, holidays without the kids, get dressed up, have fun and take some of the stress out of everything.

It is not going to be easy and you both need to work through this in order to see the other side. However, ask yourself why you married him in the first place and why you choose him to be the father of your children. Leaving may be one solution but then you have a whole other areas of issues once you have left when you realise that miss him and everything you built together. You are not to blame for any of this and walking away if you intend to is perfectly understandable but I just don't want to see you give up on a marriage that you could have worked through and made you stronger. It is really only been a year and while thats a long time, how long is that compared to the time you were married?

Most men cheat for reasons such as not getting it at home, feeling like their wives do not love them anymore or find them attractive. All its takes is for an attractive women to flirt and for a weak man to fall. Then before you now it affairs grow from the size of a mustard seed into a whole damm tree. I am not excusing your husbands behaviour and I am not saying its your fault (because its not) butt he is also a human being who has made a mistake and from what you have said has shown that he is deeply sorry and will not make that mistake again.

At the very least, before you leave, (and if you cannot take on board the other advice), I would go away yourself for a week or so. Get him tot look after the kids, do some soul searching, watch your wedding video, remember both good and bad things about your marriage and ask yourself if you are really prepared to give up. If you do then you will be fine and you are a stronger, brave women. I genuinely write all of this hear as a women who believes in marriage so much and recognises that it is not easy but something so worth fighting for.

OP I think when you know you know. You’ve tried harder than I would have. You can leave with your head held high. Your husband broke your marriage, not you. If you don’t love him any more then it’s over. There’s no point dragging it out. As you said you can be great separated parents. His family will have to get over it. It’s none of their business at the end of the day.
I stayed too long once I’d come to realise I didn’t love him any more. It was difficult but I got there. I felt massive relief that a new chapter was starting for me. He was broken and yes I had empathy and felt heartbroken for him. Yes it was his fault but I’m not heartless. Honestly though I’ve never looked back and I’ve never had a second of regret. Don’t lead him on that it’s temporary though. That’s not really fair, whatever has happened. Be strong and you will get there

@deadliftgirl She did believe in her marriage. Unfortunately her DH didn't. Why should she fight tooth and nail, she's done nothing wrong.

@Justmuddlingalong I actually made reference like 2 or 3 times in my comment that the OP has done nothing wrong and that this is not her fault. I was merely giving another perspective as its easy to walk away but that decision should be a last resort after everything else has been tried to fix things.

There's a difference between trying everything to fix things and flogging a dead horse.

All its takes is for an attractive women to flirt and for a weak man to fall

God I'm glad I abandoned religion.

Op I think a lot of women do this. They gice things a go very sincerely bit the damage is done. You aren't breaking your dh's heart. He broke yours. You are well within your rights to walk away and find some happiness

I have been in pretty much the same situation as you. It happened 5 years ago and I felt the same way as you. I stayed with him. He literally had nowhere else to go except for the streets and I didn't want that for him as hurt as I was. Then a year or so later I felt like I didn't love him anymore but felt like I had to stay because I'd stayed before. I know this is not rational.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that 5 years on we have a beautiful little girl and we are very happy together again. We didn't have any counselling, we just worked through things together.
Do I trust him? Not 100%, but it's probably 99% which is realistically as much as anyone can trust their spouse. Do I love him? Yes I do! He's my best friend and lover again. It's easy to split up and divorce in this throw away society, but I believe most situations are fixable if you try. Not saying everything is fixable though, it's your life you must do what feels right. I just wanted to give you my experience xx

You need to think about yourself OP, never mind his family, its non of their business what you do.
Its sounds like you have made your mind up really. Its his fault and he should take responsibility for his behaviour.

You didn't break his heart! He broke yours