Could do with some advice...

[Tryingtodobetter]

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. Our sex life has never been great - recently though she told me that she’s never enjoyed it and no longer wants to make love together, and that she would understand if I went elsewhere....this has me at a total loss. I love her dearly and the thought of turning to someone else terrifies me and racks me with guilt - I’m not obsessed with sex, yet I have my needs too. Beyond the bedroom, the marriage is great....What should I do?

Have you asked her why she feels this way? Is there anything you could do to get her in the mood? Sounds like both of you need to spice things up in the bedroom. Don't give up on your sex life yet, do some research, go on date nights, enjoy eachothers company, be a but flirty and naughty. Communication is really important and maybe if you both opened up then you could sort the problem.
Be spontaneous in the bedroom and explore a bit. Good luck.

OP - your W is a grown woman and she clearly thought about it.
Listen to her and don’t try to fix her.
If she doesn’t want to have sex - she doesn’t want it.
And seems that historically she went along for your sake.

What she suggested is an open marriage. It works for a few people I know.
You need to give it some thought and talk to her about boundaries and rules. These are important, to avoid miscommunications and potential hurts.

There isn’t anything you need to feel guilty about. You didn’t force her into it, and she is being very fair.
She loves you and wants you to have all your needs fulfilled, and realised that one aspect of these needs she can’t fulfil any more.
It’s very mature and enlightened.

Now - you just need to think how and what you can do with it.

It isn't trying to fix her it's trying to fix the relationship. To me it sounds like you don't want to go somewhere else. I think there needs to be some compromise in the relationship. You both need to sit down and communicate, talk about things. Going somewhere else could potentially damage your 20 year marriage. Don't jump out of the boat too quickly, stay and ride the waves, talk to eachother.
Sometimes when a woman says one thing they could mean the opposite. As a woman myself if I was married for 20 years I wouldn't want my partner having an open relationship. Very few people do it.

Shining —

But it doesn’t sound like they have a problem in a relationship.
When after a long marriage, and possibly with menopause approaching - when a woman decides she doesn’t want to have sex anymore, as she doesn’t enjoy it - and it seems - never did -
This isn’t a problem in a relationship.
It’s her body and she probably knows it well by now...
All she is doing - is finally communicating this openly. Rather than putting herself through something she was doing to please her H previously.

Open relationships often come about in long relationships. Where people don’t question their partner’s love and commitment, and where there is a very strong foundation.
Then - allowing a little sexual freedom - isn’t threatening anymore.
Most people never reach that stage in a relationship and fears of losing their partner prevents it.

OP doesn’t need to agree to act on it. Obviously. It it a big step from a conventional marriage setup.
But it does work for some people.

I’d be wary of this as potential third party sex partners or FWB can quickly turn into full blown affairs which could destroy the marriage completely. I’m sure the lady is well aware of this possibility & to her credit is trying not to deny her partner sexual happiness but it is still a dangerous pursuit.

I would wonder if she actually wants out of the marriage altogether. I mean, if she truly loved you and wanted you to be happy, she would at least discuss this and maybe be open to other suggestions such as counselling. Its sounds like she has checked out and making it easier for you.

Can I ask something @Tryingtodobetter? Did you realise that your wife hasn't ever really enjoyed sex or is this a complete shock to you? I do sympathise with you, and I personally would not see having sex with someone else as the solution, but I don't understand how you can be having sex for so long and not have realised she wasn't finding it satisfying/exciting/enjoyable. Do you talk to each other comfortably about sex? Could it be that she desires something you've not tried together before such as role play, more foreplay for her or different positions?

I'm not being judgemental - you might have discussed these things, might be experimental or a very considerate lover. I'm just wondering if it's actual sex she doesn't enjoy or possibly the routine that it's become / that something is missing for her.

*Tryingtodobetter
*
I assume she is happy to get divorced then? Her choice if she doesn't want sex but you are a married couple not friends. Relationships rarely survive u less you are very advanced years!

These days there are all kinds of relationships in real world. Including open marriages.
Not everyone falls in love with their sexual partners. Some people can keep intimacy and emotions separate.
I think OP’s wife is being honest for the first time in her life, and I think she really loves OP. It’s not an easy step to open up a relationship after a long marriage, so she must be a very strong and special woman.
You are lucky, OP.
Many spouses in that situation are selfish - and unilaterally decide to stop their spouse’s sex life for food.

OP - if you decide to go that way - there are websites where poly- people hang out - I think there is a closed FB group.
There is also a fabswingers website.

Good luck with what you decide.

Hi all

Thanks for the advice and words of wisdom. Much appreciated.

@datingdisaster41 - not a sudden realisation. The sex life was never great and she did say she enjoyed it, so had no reason to think otherwise.

Not sure about divorce. Too big a step and whilst the sex is non existent, the rest of the marriage works and isn’t something I want to walk away from. Sorry if that sounds muddled or old fashioned.

Just the thought of going out looking or registering on a swingers website terrifies me!

What is her reasoning for not liking sex?
Did something happen to her before she met you?
Maybe some childhood abuse issues?
What ever it is you need to understand and help her through it.
Or... it could just be that she is very much A-sexual.

You don't have to join a swingers site.
There may be women out there looking for a FWB and nothing else and your wife might agree to that.
Is that something you might consider?

It honestly sounds like she is checking out of the relationship though.
I'd not like that.
This is not good for your self-esteem and it certainly won't improve.

What would separation look like?
Do you have DC and how old are they?

@hellsbellsmelons - no childhood issues whatsoever. She does suffer from Hashimoto’s which severely impacts one’s sex life. Her explanation had just always been she’s not comfortable with having sex.

I may be being very naive, but I really hadn’t considered it as a signal to check out of the relationship.

FWB with another woman is an option. That’s what has been suggested - I have to yet mentally accept that concept....and then plan the ‘how’ and find my ‘opposite’ that also has the same issues and needs...