Dating advise

[Smile23]

Hi everyone, would be interested to hear your advise on my current situation. I'm 32 (almost 33) and have been single for awhile. I have been proactively dating for what seems like ages but fail to actually find/create a relationship and it becomes so disheartening especially when I see all the people around me settling down, meeting someone special that it seems to work with. I would really like to settle down soon, kids ect and get so anxious with my age. With most of the men I meet they seem keen to continue but I never feel much spark/connection even when I give it a fair chance to develop. There's this one guy I have been dating for around 3 months though it's not a relationship, we mainly meet once/twice week for dinners/walks/drinks. everything is going ok - he's funny, the dates are not tedious, he's honest and chivilourous and fun to be aroun. But I keep holding back because I fear our lifestyles clash and worry about the future. He works in finance in sales and trading which often involves him going out with clients to fancy bars/restaurants so there seems to be a lot of drinking and late night finishes from these client meetings. He's very Sociable with lots of friends mostly other single men or couple friends without children who all live in the city and so often going out, drinking, house party's ect. He's around 37 and lives in his own flat but very much a bachelor lifestyle. When we go on dates he will have a lot to drink typically 2 beers and a wine for dinner and on a few occasions whiskey aswell.

I've told him about my reservations and concerns with the lifestyle. He said as he would like to take things further with me he would compromise so when he's with me or my friends/family he would cut down drinking if it upsets me but he can't for his work and does not want to when with his friends.

I work as a GP and mainly dated doctors so this lifestyle is quite new to me and I don't know if I'm overreacting because I'm unfamiliar with this or whether this is a deal breaker which is a shame as it's so difficult to meet someone you enjoy seeing (for me anyway).

The other concern which I guess is not a big deal is his diet- very rich fattening food with clients and lots of take outs as he doesn't cook - guess just a bachelors life lol.

Maybe I'm overthinking and should give this a go as the perfect person doesn't exist or maybe my concerns could develop into something more difficult in the future should things continue....your opinions and advise will be much appreciated

I would be inclined to give it a go with him as long as you sense that the drinking isn't bordering on alcohol abuse. Character and personal chemistry are what matters most in the long run, and I think the partying lifestyle tends to slow down once men have a family and get a bit older.

You're right by the way. You'll never find the perfect person. I have friends who think they can. They're all still single.

Don’t date somebody hoping or assuming they will change into somebody you like better. It rarely happens and it’s only going to lead to a lot of frustration and upset for both of you. He’s clearly telling you that this is who he is and what he likes doing - and he’s entirely right to do so.

Would you be happy to continue a relationship with him on the assumption that his lifestyle will not change substantially? If your answer is no then you need to end this and find somebody more suitable for you.

Hi, I have been in the same situation. 33 and still dating despite having met more people than I can remember. I thankfully am now in a 9 month relationship with somebody and it has made me realise I was trying to force it with everyone else. I would usually let it go on for about 3 months, I used to reel off the list of all their good points "he has his own house, good job, has a nice smile" etc yet I always felt something was missing. My advice, based on my own experience, is to keep going until you have that connection that makes the "pros list" seem irrelevant. I am so relieved that I didn't just keep going with one of the "they're fine" people, as I know that after enough time I would have started to care for them and could also have began to love them. But all of a sudden I genuinely believe you will meet someone, and although it will still be bloody hard work sometimes, things will in a way just fall in to place. Good luck xxx

He doesn't seem the settling down type.
Sounds like he'd be great to have fun with and have an FWB arrangement. Noncommittal.
Marriage and kids, well, if it got to that stage, you'd be stuck home with baby whilst he was out fine-dining and socialising.

Naturally, I have no crystal ball and could be way off.
Trust your instincts though, which, I gather, are already telling you this guy is not settling down material (you mention bachelor a few times.)

Smile23 All the doctors I know drink heavily I'd keep dating others. You guys still aren't in a committed relationship. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

I wouldn’t think of 2 beers and a glass of wine as a lot to drink when out for dinner, assuming you did mean glass and not bottle.

I think a previous poster sums it up: he’s just not right for you as you are still looking at him as a pros and cons list.

I do however wonder if you are very fixed on what you are looking for? Are you perhaps discounting people right at the start, before you’ve met them so that then you are struggling to understand why someone isn’t right for you when the ticked the boxes to start with?

You're not going to advance your relationship with a perfect candidate because of his diet? And the fact that he has a few beers with dinner? Which he's already said he won't do all the time with you?

I mean, you draw whatever lines you want, but that seems incredibly nitpicky to me when it comes to choosing a partner.

Don’t commit to him any more than he sounds likely to commit to you. Keep your options open. There are lots of other guys out there who are compatible with you, fun to be with etc but don’t drink like fish. If he changes for you, it won’t last and it’s not enough to have a positive impact on his health anyway. And he’ll grow to resent you.

don't expect him to change, maybe he would change for a bit for you, but then will revert back to his normal self and both of you would resent it. sales and trading is a very stressful job and people deal differently with stress, some people drink, some take drugs, some sex, and some get into sports or yoga or meditation. These things don't change as people get older so if he is a drinker, he will just become more of a drinker.

Also, things will become more stressful and less glamorous as banks close businesses and margins become smaller. What I mean, in very pragmatic terms, is that if you are looking for someone rich, he might not necessarily be one, most traders these days don't make the pre 2010 bonuses and if he is on sell side take a look at bank stocks which have taken a nose dive. These are stressful times and will continue to be so.

I don't think that sounds much either tbh

You sound a bit of a killjoy

Every night then yes,but out for dinner ?