Christmas and visiting

[BWrose]

I have three brothers. Two of them were abroad but one of them came home to our home country this year with his partner and child. They live in another county about three hours car drive away.

I have one younger brother and he's at home living with our mother. I hate seeing the bad in people. I prefer seeing the good in people. He used to be a good person - kind, funny, helpful. Not so much anymore.

There's been episodes of him going out and not coming home for a day or two. Coming home tripping out of his mind.
Losing his belongings on nights out.
Episodes of him drink driving
He has withdrawn a lot from the family and when he's home spends a lot of time in his room.

He's not open to conversation any more. There's zero conversation from him. If you ask him something he might reply with a grunt.
He's moody
He's overly critical of our mother.
Doesn't help around the house any more.

Basically, not a very nice person. There's no doubt in my mind there's drugs involved with him.

My mother isn't happy with him any more either. I think she's enabling him to be the way he is. She has a lot of power to change things here by giving him responsibilities or tell him to move out and rent. She won't do any of that though.

My brother who came home this year, would like us to call and visit over Christmas.

It's so hard to get anything out of my younger brother to see what he's doing. He did say to mother he has something on, in the 22nd. He didn't expand on any of that. I presume, going out and probably getting drunk and not coming home for a day or two. I presume he won't be going to my other brother for Christmas and staying at home.

My mother, now doesn't want to go visiting the brother who came home and her grandchild. She said she would love to but she doesn't feel comfortable leaving the house and leaving the younger brother at home alone, afraid of what might happen while she's away. Will the brother at home burn the house down, she's thinking. Will she even come home to a house left standing. I don't fault her for having such worries to be honest.

I think I will definitely visit my brother, partner and niece and I'm looking forward to it and getting away.

My mam would like me to call my brother and explain the situation to him. How will I sum all of that, that I wrote above up for him. I need to gather my thoughts and words, and sum things up for him.

Brother (the one at home who is so moody), he went out yesterday evening and only came back about an hour ago.

Me and Mam were sitting at the kitchen table doing some paperwork together. In he came, went to fridge to look inside, and slammed the door shut and went to his room without a word. He came down then a short while later to the kitchen and started doing bits, putting on a pizza and boiling the kettle for tea and there wasn't one word from him. Not one.

There's a word for that, that escapes me. Is it intimation?

I can't stand people who are like this. I had something similar with my ex partner. I didn't want to go out if he had a key, frightened he was going to empty the place out or not knowing who would be here when I came back; and he's still the same now he stays at his sister's house.
I honestly think the only way your Mom will be able to rest is if she makes him move out. She shouldn't be having to put up with this.
I know it's not an easy situation to be in...

You’ve posted about this a lot before, right?

Yes I posted before. This is a new issue though although somewhat connected to old posts too.

To summarize, A brother (a different one) invited us for us and my mother doesn't want to go in fear of what might happen at home with the other brother who has been somewhat troublesome over the past while.

My mother want me to do her dirty work of phonii the brother who invited us for Christmas and tell him that she won't be going to visit him and his family for Christmas.

ExtraStrength,

My Mott isn't happy any more with the brother who's at home. My mother is very thick skinned but all the same he upset her a few times over the past few weeks. I know what needs to happen. He needs to go and have a very strong dose of reality to kick him in the ass but that's not going to happen. It won't be my mother delivering that. I can't control them. She will have to come to realize that herself.

You’re all bizarrely enmeshed (especially you!) for a family of grown adult children and parents. You won’t get any different advice than you’ve already had every other time you’ve posted about your siblings and family. You genuinely need to start thinking about living your own life OP cos this isn’t healthy.

What would happen if YOU gave him a metaphorical kick in the arse?

How old is your brother? Are we talking a 19/20 something bloke or 30-40?

Regardless, there isn't much you can do. Support your mum if you believe his behaviour escalates to put her at risk or anything, but it is her choice to have her son at home.

This is how my brother was at that age. He is now in his forties and still lives at home with my very elderly frail parents ruining their lives. It has ruined my life too as I can’t visit as he is very vient to me and I won’t put my children at risk. He threatens and is violent to my parents. They won’t ask him to leave as they won’t see him homeless and they know he would not cope. He now has severe mental health diagnoses but won’t take meds and still uses drugs to self medicate. I feel like they have chosen him over me and their grandchildren even though he doesn’t appreciate them. If they'd dealt with it differently when he was in his 20’s we’d be in a different situation.

I would tell my mother that she should reply to the invite from her son to say she isn’t coming and explain why if she wants to.

I would also ring my brother and tell him what is going on because he is my brother and he needs to know what to expect. That’s my responsibility as a sister to my brother and it’s not doing her dirty work. Which is an odd description.

Encourage your mother to get out more. Staying at home deprives her of perspective. Ask your other brother to visit and take her out.

Dirtybadger,

He's 27, going on 28. I've seen him clinch his fists around our mother but he holds back. He has no respect whatsoever for our mother or the family home. I believe things are going to get worse before they get better. Mam has so many excuses for his bad attitude and behavior except for laying it at his feet where it belongs.

Tynesideblonde,

I'm sorry to about your family situation.

I agree with you with your last sentence. If they dealt with it differently when he was younger, we would have a different situation.

My mother is completely enabling my brothers behaviour.

Thanks BWrose. I supported him for years in every way possible like securing psychiatric support and benifits but I became the person he directed all his self hatred at. As his verbal abuse became physical and I distanced myself he moved on to my parents.
You could have a conversation with his doctor. My brother and I were at the same practice so I was able to make an appointment for me and then discuss him recognising they wouldn’t talk about him, just listen. That conversation changed everything and got him early intervention psyc support. If you’re at different practices you could write to his GP? maybe someone else has better advice about approaching a GP at a practice you aren’t part of.