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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So sick of partners moods

21 replies

GettingMeD0WN · 09/12/2018 15:16

So l don't really know where to start, my mind feels so foggy and it's like I can't think things through properly.

I've been with him for years, when we met he told me a lot of lies and led me on a lot, but I was quite vulnerable at the time with terrible anxiety which stopped me leaving the house.
Anyway through the years we've been so up and down, he can go from being normal and fine one moment to completely changing character and he's just so nasty and hateful (although never physical).
He has depression and he's been taking diazepam for about a year and it's a lot better (Because it was really awful), but I'm still walking on eggshells and the slightest thing can set him off.
We have a 3 year old son and I don't want him growing up walking on eggshells but I don't know what to do. I'm early 30s and have no qualifications or work experience (I was getting help for the anxiety before I met him and thought I'd get better, but then we moved away and he didn't like me going out etc) so what the hell can I do, I don't have a way to support myself and my son and I wouldn't even know how to/what to do. My dad has just died and my mum is in poor health, I don't have any friends or much family so I can't really ask anyone for help.
I've just had a terrible weekend with him, yesterday we were due to take ds out to eat but when ds went to sit on the stairs to get his shoes on he slipped and bumped his head. Ds cried and partners mood instantly changed and he started making nasty comments about ds not being careful and why does he mess around etc etc. We didn't go out and partner spent the rest of the day upstairs.
Then today we were getting ready to go shopping and ds put his wellies on. That was it, mood changed instantly, partner hates wellies and apparently by wearing them when it's not raining he's 'making a show of himself' we went out to the car with partner still in a mood then ds sheepishly said he needs a wee. So that's partner done for the day.
He makes me feel so sick, my stomach churns when I see his face change and I can't fucking stand it any more. What do I do? Does anyone have any advice?

I could write so many more stories but this is already a long post and not sure if anyone will read it all as it is.

OP posts:

madmum5811 · 09/12/2018 15:18

I suspect you will find your anxiety will improve if you split from this man. God only knows what this is doing to your child. Single parenting is not easy but it will be easier than this.

Original poster

GettingMeD0WN · 09/12/2018 15:19

Thank you, I know this is true but I don't know where to start.

OP posts:

Original poster

GettingMeD0WN · 09/12/2018 15:20

I'm such a shit mum. Ds deserves so much better

OP posts:

TeamSpirit · 09/12/2018 15:29

you are not a shit mom. Just have to find a way. 🌺

madmum5811 · 09/12/2018 15:35

I help out at a womens refuge, you could do worse than contact your local one and ask them for advice. They really are lovely.

Original poster

GettingMeD0WN · 09/12/2018 15:38

Thank you TeamSpirit. I just feel so alone and so down, and I have no idea what to do. I feel like I can't think straight. Ds seems happy at the moment but I know he understands, I make excuses like 'daddy isn't feeling well so he's a bit grumpy etc' but I've noticed him apologising to his dad over minor things as if he's preempting a mood change. He's such a sweet little boy I just want him to have a happy life.

OP posts:

Original poster

GettingMeD0WN · 09/12/2018 15:41

Thank you too madmum. I don't know about contacting anywhere like that, it feels so petty and pathetic of me when they are helping women in genuine need. It's just that it's been going on so many years it's ground me down

OP posts:

Littlefrog99 · 09/12/2018 15:45

You are a woman in genuine need!! Just because he isn't physically beating you it doesn't mean that he isn't harming you. Please, please contact your local women's refuge. Both you and your son deserve better, the ladies at the refuge will help you move forward in whatever way you need to and at a pace you feel comfortable with.

Original poster

GettingMeD0WN · 09/12/2018 15:51

I've had threads on here over the years (different usernames) and been told to leave, so it's nothing I don't know..I'm just a weak pathetic person with no life skills.

OP posts:

Original poster

GettingMeD0WN · 09/12/2018 15:56

Thank you littlefrog I wouldn't know what to say. Would I be able to email them and just have contact with them that way?

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 16:03

madmum5811 has told you what to do OP, pick up the phone and talk to someone anyone, please Lady you can do this. Just make the call for your sons sake as well as your own.

good luck and your wee boy should wear his wellies with pride.

SlowlyShrinking · 09/12/2018 16:04

If you stay, there’s also the worry that ds will eventually learn to behave like his dad

Yohooo · 09/12/2018 16:21

You know what to do and you know it's not going to be easy but one way or another you have to leave. You can't bring your son up in this environment.

Maybe you can't do it right now but you can start planning.

Littlefrog99 · 09/12/2018 16:37

Yes you can email them [email protected] don't worry if you don't know where to start, or if you can't say a lot. They are used to women in your situation and will hold your hand if that's all you need. They can give you advice, reassurances and somewhere to go if it gets to that point. You are not pathetic, I was once in your shoes so I understand why you think you are. You've already reached out on mn, now you need to take the next step and email the professionals. I promise you they won't push you into anything you're not ready to do.

Original poster

GettingMeD0WN · 09/12/2018 16:58

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound as if I hadn't listened to the advice I was given, I just meant I didn't know what I'd do long term as I've never been alone and don't know how I'd support myself.

I'm going to email them tonight once ds is in bed. Thank you 💐

Partner has come down and is acting like nothing happened as usual and I'm pretending it's fine, it's just so depressing.

OP posts:

Littlefrog99 · 09/12/2018 17:13

Being on your own and learning how to support yourself will be better than how you're living now. If thinking about leaving and making a go of it on your own seems too daunting, just think of it as taking a small step towards building your confidence first. WA will be with you every step of the way.

Kismetjayn · 09/12/2018 17:15

I've been actually looking into it and it's possible for me to support myself and DD on benefits alone. Not ideal & short term but it means not having a job doesn't stop me from leaving 'D'P so perhaps do a few calculations, inc child maintenance.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 17:16

You can do this, given support OP

nc3005 · 09/12/2018 20:07

Op, I know exactly how this is and I am bumping as would love to see what posters have to say, I too feel despairing about what to do. The moods have killed my love for my partner and it makes me so sad, but I feel like I’m paralysed. Just wanted to send some strength your way.

BaskingSharks · 09/12/2018 21:07

You’re not a shit mum right now OP.

But, and I’m sorry if this hurts, if you don’t find a way to leave this man sharpish, you will be being a shit mother because you won’t be protecting your son from a man who kicks off if he bangs his head. Your son already feels he has to be sheepish and cowed by asking if he can use the bathroom.

Let that sink in for a moment.

He’s a child and has zero say in what circumstances he lives in: he is sharing his home with a monster.

You are his mother and as his parent, his wellbeing should be your absolute top priority. You have the ability to stop him from having to live in a house with a man that likely frightens him. Stay, and you’re storing up psychological problems that could stay with him for a lifetime.

Yes, it’s his dad’s fault he behaves like this and he is the only one who can decide whether to be this way or not. That’s out of your hands. But protecting your child is in YOUR hands.

You say you’ve been told on here to leave many times before. So clearly it’s been bad for a long time. Your poor son. Please put him first if you have even the slightest shred of motherly instinct and love for him.

Rosiepicnic · 09/12/2018 21:19

This man is dragging you down. So much of your description of him reminds me of my ex. We split in July & have a little boy together. I know my situation is slightly different but he is destroying your confidence & self esteem. You will be strong because you have to be. The first few months after splitting were tough I won't lie but I have been amazed at how the atmosphere at home has completely lifted. I am so much happier & more importantly, so is my son. You will find a strength you didn't know you had. Your son deserves to grow up in a safe environment without walking on eggshells. I feel like I'm on the other side of it now & really it is absolutely without doubt worth it x

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