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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finance issues with partner

28 replies

Mel985 · 09/12/2018 14:07

So, after 12 years with a guy and two children together he still won't get a joint account and although he's the main earner, I pay half for most things and I have to ask for money for school trips/kids clothes etc etc.
As I work part time, I pay childcare fees, I asked for help towards this and he wouldn't help! So instead he used 'his' money to buy our sons Xmas gifts and points out that he's bought them all making me feel upset and utterly shit!
If things were equal and I wasn't left with this bill, I'd if had more money towards my children's xmas gifts!
I've talked it through with him many times over the years and he just gets annoyed and shrugs it off then it continues....
This and other reasons are making me think I'd be better off alone...

OP posts:
drquin · 09/12/2018 14:14

Yeah, you probably would be better off.

I struggle to understand men who think this is a reasonable attitude to family finances. Although that's the point really, he doesn't see it as "family" finances. The children are your cost. Childcare is your cost. Reduction in paid-employment hours (and arguably future career opportunities) is your cost. He carries on working full-time, earning a full-time salary. There's your problem - joint bank account is somewhat of a red herring.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 14:29

Leave and contact the CMS. Flowers

Original poster
Mel985 · 17/12/2018 17:32

That and the fact he's proposed twice then just postponed the wedding for a second time! Maybe I don't want to marry someone who's so afraid to commit financially and in marriage, and after two kids too!

OP posts:
HJWT · 17/12/2018 17:56

@Mel985 I think you need to sit down with your DP and tell him if things don't change and you become and real partnership you won't have a choice but to leave...

Original poster
Mel985 · 17/12/2018 17:58

I've already done this many times and he won't budge 😕

OP posts:
ViragoKnows · 17/12/2018 18:01

LTB. Life is way to short for this controlling nonsense. He obviously considers you as a junior partner and the main parent. Not attractive and you've already tried to negotiate and failed. Plus the wedding games. Move on to better things.

ViragoKnows · 17/12/2018 18:02

Too^ short.

KanielOutis · 17/12/2018 18:03

He won't marry you. If you marry then what's his is yours. He won't have that happen.

BlingLoving · 17/12/2018 18:05

In these threads, often the woman hasn't even realised she's being financially abused and the first step is to talk to her DP. But if you've tried that and it's got you nowhere, you have to make a decision - can you live with this or not? And if not, it's time to move on.

I do not understand families where the main breadwinner seems to think earning more money means he/she is in control all the time. If you're a proper partnership, the money should be split. Why is childcare so often the woman's responsibility? It makes no sense to me.

Basically, it's servitude - you take care of all the children's needs with your limited income and he swans around with large amounts of disposable cash. How on earth can you love a man who thinks its okay for you to be struggling for money while he's not?

Sarahandduck18 · 17/12/2018 18:06

Don’t do ANYTHING for him until this changes.

No washing, cooking, cleaning, laundry, babysitting, shopping, planning, organising nothing.

Original poster
Mel985 · 17/12/2018 18:09

Exactly. I want him to leave, such a bad time of year for it though! I'm going to try and get through Christmas before I end things. He knows I'm not happy and continues to let things remain the same. He's verbally abused me several times too, in front of our children.

OP posts:
ViragoKnows · 17/12/2018 18:10

He's verbally abused me several times too, in front of our children.

Yes, you need to get out.

Original poster
Mel985 · 17/12/2018 18:27

He's not going to make it easy, he's already trying hard to 'behave' as he knows I'm thinking of ending it. Christmas is going to be hard.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2018 18:50

Mel985

You are being financially and verbally abused by this man. This is who he is and he has no interest whatsoever in sharing. Many such men as well are not solely financially abusive; I see that this man has been verbally abusive towards you and in front of the kids too. And he is not being "nice" but this nice/nasty cycle is really a continuous one from him. He would never make it easy for you to go anyway and will likely continue to be as obstructive re the kids once you are away from him.

What is the situation re the property you reside in; is that in his sole name?. Presumably these children have his surname as well.

I would make plans to leave him before Christmas if at all possible; can your parents help you here?. Christmas is after all but two days and by next Wednesday evening it will be over. Please call both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women asap and make a plan to leave him. It is only when you are fully and completely away from him will the process of recovering from his abuse of you will start. Men like he can and do take an awful long time, years even, to recover from.

EllenRipley · 17/12/2018 18:56

This just isn't right OP, and it's not going to get any better by the sounds of it - particularly if what you're sharing here is part of a bigger picture.

My partner earns a decent salary, while my work is sporadic and as he works away a lot, it's down to me to do the lion's share of childcare etc - so I have limited career opportunities. ('His') income goes into one account and after bills are covered, I have access to whatever I need (within reason, we're not ' big spenders'). It's a given because we're a family and has never caused any arguments. Your partner is both hedging his bets and remaining entirely non-commital to you and his kid(s). It's utterly selfish and as others have said, financially abusive. Easier said than done but you could be better off, in many ways, without him. Shitty time of year for it, but might be time to make some hard decisions Thanks

Original poster
Mel985 · 17/12/2018 19:15

The children have his surname but so do I as I changed it by deed poll so I shared the same surname as my children. Luckily the house is in my name as I got it two years ago when I was going to leave him! (But he pulled me back in again for us to try yet again at our relationship)

OP posts:
NationalShiteDay · 17/12/2018 19:19

That's good news about the house and surname. It's yours and DCs name now, he can't take that away from you.

So if you've got the house sorted (does he pay rent/mortgage?) then what's stopping you from leaving? Xmas aside obviously!

InDubiousBattle · 17/12/2018 19:28

How old are your dc Op?

SandyY2K · 17/12/2018 19:46

He's not going to marry you. He sees his money as his and that won't change.

You're better off without him.

When you have to change your name by deedpoll to match the man who fathered your DC (because he won't marry you) it speaks volumes.

lifebegins50 · 17/12/2018 19:58

How old are you? Are you contributing to a pension?

Ex shared his money after I kicked up a fuss but in areas of pension and savings there was vast inequality. When we divorced he felt all tbe pension and savings were his...look to your future, if you marry will it benefit you as he will have an entitlement to the house.

Dirtybadger · 17/12/2018 20:13

What an absolute shit stain.

Sorry that's such a useless comment for me but I know it helps to know other people think the same and you aren't being unreasonable.

It does my absolute nut to read how some men get off thinking their DC are somehow 10% theirs and 90% their mothers. E.g. not paying for childcare. Completely illogical.

There's never a good time to leave but I can see that waiting for a couple weeks if you're not at any physical risks makes sense. Not least because it's just hard getting practical stuff sorted when we have bank holidays coming up and things are closed, etc.

2019 is going to be tough but you might be surprised by where you are by the end of it, I hope Smile

Original poster
Mel985 · 17/12/2018 20:13

I'm 33, not contributing to a pension bit I've recently become self employed so I'm going to set up a pension scheme.
My children are 5 and 9.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mel985 · 17/12/2018 20:13

*but

OP posts:
Original poster
Mel985 · 17/12/2018 20:15

Thanks dirtybadger, I agree and yes it's going to be hard but hopefully all work out in the end for the best.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 17/12/2018 20:21

I've already done this many times and he won't budge

So then it's time to take control of your own life.

Do it now before you find yourself with nothing in X years when he's exchanged you for a younger model....

He sounds a right tight bastard plus emotionally giving you the run-around cancelling a wedding twice. how cruel.