How can I stop my mum buying presents

[Elephantgrey]

This sounds like an odd problem but my mum keeps buying gifts for me and 6 months old DS. The problem is she buys much more than a normal amount of gifts. She has bought him way more clothes than he can ever wear. When I was pregnant she said I didn't need to choose anything for him as she would buy it all. She has bought toys and books as well. I find it overwhelming. I want to choose the things he has but when I have bought him clothes he has ended up with too many.

She lives far away from me and wants me to send her pictures every day of DS in the outfits she has bought for him. I feel a bit under pressure to dress him in a different outfit everyday and only in this she has chosen. I don't have room for all the gifts in my house. She tells me I must keep all the clothes that DS has outgrown or return them to her in case my sister has a baby. I have asked her to buy less and she has said that she is trying to do so but I know she already has more outfits in the next size up and is still buying.

She can't afford it and I don't have any space in my house. I and really struggling to keep on top of it all and feel that I am drowning in stuff that I can't get rid of. I also feel awful about the sheer waste of it all. I would like to give some of the used items to a baby bank as they are barely used and sadly some are unworn but she has said that she would be very upset if I did this. What can I do?

Could you give all the clothes he has outgrown back to her to store for your sister?

I’d send them back to her. Tell her you have nowhere to store them.

Same with clothes he’s outgrown and not worn, tell her to store them at hers for your sister as you haven’t got space.

I’d also eBay joblots of them, realistically will she even remember exactly which outfits she’s bought.

I have a bit of a similar thing with my mum. DD is six months and has more clothes than she can ever possibly wear thanks to my mum and we're getting bogged down. It's been a slight issue too because I feel like we haven't had the opportunity to choose much for her and our tastes are a bit different to hers.

But at the same time I've also come to accept that she's saved us a fortune on clothes and it's well meaning. Also the fun she has shopping and choosing things and getting the outfit photos are a relatively harmless way of her feeling close to our daughter (she's also long distance).

Luckily my mum is OK with me not holding on to stuff. I've bagged up what's unused or outgrown. Some of it I think will end up either donated on ebay. It does feel like a waste that some of these outfits are only getting worn once and I've asked her to reign it in a bit at times but honestly, I don't think there's much you can do.

If your mum wants to save stuff for your sister then you can always bag things up as he out grows them and send them back with lots of love for if a little cousin makes an appearance.

Honestly, I do understand the stress of getting swamped with stuff but for me, I just learned to accept it, take it as well meaning and enjoy saving clothes money that I can use for something else for my DD.

Captain Awkward did a brilliant advice column on this!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/captainawkward.com/2018/04/10/1096-too-many-presents/amp/

Thank you

"Castelgarcia" I did give her back some of the clothes he has grown out of. Some of them had not been worn and she was upset with me for this.

"Mondaysaturday" I accept that there is not much I can do. My fear is buy accepting the gifts I am encouraging her to buy more things she can't afford. It is all on credit card. It may save me money but I can afford to buy things for my son. I would probably buy less for him but that is fine.

"Fearthelove.." that is a great article. I know that she buys these gifts as a way of showing her love. I am probably being a bit unreasonable here but I struggle to manage the amount of stuff in my house and would prefer to live with less. Getting the gifts make me feel anxious as I know that I am expected to keep them in my house.

I know that she buys these gifts as a way of showing her love

No its not. It is a way of making her feel good. She has a MH problem. She sounds like a shopaholic. Normal people buy the occasional item.

Unfortunately until she see's that she has a problem she won't do anything about it.

I've experienced this and the debt was over £20k

Why do you think you’re being at all unreasonable?

Someone continuing to buy you things they know you don’t want at cost to you (the stress, taking up space etc) is riding roughshod over your boundaries and that needs dealing with whether it’s your mother or an acquaintance. And the only way to deal with repeated boundary violators is to be extremely firm, accept you probably can’t stop this behaviour without her getting upset (which will be manipulative tactics) and that the best outcome is she stops buying the items whatever emotional histrionics she pulls out.

Have you ever heard of the acronym JADE? With people acting like this don’t attempt to justify, argue, defend or explain. Be a broken record if you must. ‘No mum, I can’t take these, we don’t have the room and I’ve told you I don’t want you to buy more stuff for us thanks’. A second time: ‘I said no’ and change the subject. A third time ‘I said no’ and change the subject.

She still does this because she’s getting positive reinforcement as you’re accepting the gifts and she gets to feel good for giving them. Stop accepting them and I promise you she’ll stop. Take them straight to the charity shop if she drops them round and you can’t make her take them back with her, send her a cheerful message when you’ve done it ‘just dropped them off at Oxfam as you know I can’t keep these, very generous of you but please take them there yourself next time as I don’t have time to do this’.

You might think you’re helpless here but you’re not and you can stop this.

Elephantgrey, sorry I hadn't realised that she was running up credit card debt in the process. If that's the case then I think you're right to want to curb it. Sorry, I was projecting too much of my own comparatively harmless situation onto yours but I think you (and others in the thread) are right and when debt/compulsive shopping is involved it's definitely unhealthy.