Advice needed

[dancingsnowbaby]

Hi all.

New to the forums so please bare with me.

I recently started dating a guy that I met about 8 years ago. There was a strong connection mentally and physically between us and then he left for Iraq. We lost contact and then recently he contacted me on social media and we met up for a drink and both realised that the attraction is still there in every way possible.

In the 8 years where we lost contact, he had a one night stand which resulted in a pregnancy and, in his words, he stood by her and married her. They had another 2 children but after the birth of their third child 2 years ago, they realised that they were only together for the kids and that they didn't really love each other. Long story short, they separated 8 months ago and 2 months ago he reached out to me.

During the first meeting we caught up on what had happened in each other's lives, talked about mutual friends and interests and all was well. During the conversation I told him about my recent suicide attempt and how much my anxiety affects me and also how much I was fearing going back to work after having 3 months off. He has been so supportive though all of it, even phoning me to help calm me down and talk me through an anxiety attack on the first day I returned to work. That night we talked and realised that what we have is more than just a flash in the pan and we had the discussion of how to proceed. He said that he had no idea how to go about dating with kids and when to introduce them and I suggested that for at least the first 3-6 months, we concentrate on our relationship together before introducing the kids as I feel it's important that we develop our bond first and make sure that we are both 100% sure that our relationship will last as it wouldn't be fair on the kids, or myself, if we created a bond and then it didn't work out. He agreed and then also posed the suggestion that before the kids are introduced, he and I go on holiday together for a week and see if we survive it... I mean, holidays can make or break a relationship in my experience. I also told him that he shouldn't expect me to be a mother to his kids... they already have a mum and I don't intend to try and replace her. The most I could ever be to their kids is a friend and also support and respect him and his ex with their parenting decisions.

Now, everything seemed fine after this and I went to bed feeling satisfied that we were on the same page in regards to all of the important things. Then he started to respond to messages less and less, stopped returning and answering phone calls... I'm just so confused that everything seemed to be going well with almost constant communication and then we're down to almost radio silence.

As far as I can see, I'm being more than respectful of his time with the kids, I'm not demanding that he spend time with me (in fact, I have told him that I understand that his kids are a higher priority over me and that as my social life is flexible, I work my plans around the time he spends with his kids) and although it's frustrating me that he's gone so quiet on the communication front, I haven't voiced this yet as I don't think a conversation like that should be done over the phone or through a text message.

Am I being too flexible? Have I said something wrong? Am I worrying about nothing?

My guess is that this was the turning point:

I also told him that he shouldn't expect me to be a mother to his kids... they already have a mum and I don't intend to try and replace her. The most I could ever be to their kids is a friend and also support and respect him and his ex with their parenting decisions.

I suspect he was hoping you'd be willing to take on a maternal role in terms of helping him manage the kids when he has them - do their laundry, cook for them, mind them while he pops out to the pub, etc. And now he's interpreted what you said as meaning that you are not going to do those things.

I'm not sure if that's what you meant or not, but I think that's how he's reading it.

That's quite a serious conversation. Maybe it's scared him a bit and that's why he's backing off now.

How long have you been dating and how much time have you actually spent together do far? It's hard to tell as your post is vague but it does come across as far too much far too soon.

That was actually part of the conversation. I told him that I don't mind doing those things, I do those things when I take care of my friend's kids so the day to day things like that are no bother to me and I'm happy to do them. The only place I would want to draw the line is when it comes to the bigger parental decisions, like punishment for bad behaviour, which schools they attend etc etc. As they are not my kids, personally, I feel that those decisions should be made between him and his ex and I simply support whatever decision they make.

Bernina: He was the one that brought the conversation up initially, which is partly why I'm so confused.

TooTrueToBeGood: 2 months, well, almost 3 now. We've been spending 2 evenings during the week together and then 1 day at the weekend. He only has the kids one day a week at the weekend as his ex is being awkward with visitation and he works silly long hours in the week and doesn't get home until about 8pm most nights, by which time the kids are in bed. Even the nights I see him we only have 2 or 3 hours together max.

My gut hunch is that it's all been a load of bollox from his side. He's been selling you the love dream when really all he was after was a bit of fun. Now he's bored of it and moved on to something else. I hope I'm wrong and there's some other explanation but your biggest priority should be protecting yourself and not letting this unduly set you back. Do you have a therapist or counsellor you can talk to about it?

That was an extremely serious conversation to have on the first meeting. What happened to just seeing how things go and playing it by ear?

My gut hunch is that it's all been a load of bollox from his side. He's been selling you the love dream when really all he was after was a bit of fun. Now he's bored of it and moved on to something else. I hope I'm wrong and there's some other explanation but your biggest priority should be protecting yourself and not letting this unduly set you back. Do you have a therapist or counsellor you can talk to about it?

I was thinking that, which is why I'm wondering if maybe I've done something to make things go from hot to cold so quickly. I get that his job is mental right now and he has a lot on his plate with the divorce and the difficulties with seeing the kids, but am I asking too much for a bit of communication like we had in previous weeks?

I do have a counsellor, however, in all honesty, relationship things like this don't tend to have an affect on my anxiety... it's more when I'm there for others and don't spend enough time being there for myself or asking for help where I struggle and when my social anxiety and depression rear their ugly heads. What I'm feeling at the moment is more confusion than anything else.

That was an extremely serious conversation to have on the first meeting. What happened to just seeing how things go and playing it by ear?

I should probably have explained it better. I just read it back and realised how it may have been read. The talk about when to introduce the kids only happened on Monday just gone. So about 2.5ish months after the first date.

The discussion about my suicide attempt on the first date came up when he asked after having been told what had happened by a mutual friend - it's also the primary reason why he reached out to me in the first place. He asked how I was doing and told me he knew then he said "I had to make sure that you were in a good place and feeling better. I'm glad that you are. I also wanted to ask you out on a date so I didn't want to ask if you weren't ready."