New relationships and children

[Rainstormsstory]

Not sure I am posting in the right place but I am separated and I am in no way looking for a new relationship anytime soon, I can't even imagine meeting anyone else and falling in love again at this moment in time. But I'm wondering and I suppose worried when the time comes that i do maybe meet someone else and form a new relationship how does that work when you already have a child from a previous relationship? Can someone else ever really love your child like a parent would? Would just like to hear from other people's experiences of this please? It scares me to think of being with someone else now that I have a child of my own. Is it normal to feel this way?

I felt like you, many years ago now. What I chose to do was to wait until my children were grown and flown before I felt comfortable entering a relationship again.
I had fifteen years as a single parent and can honestly say that after the initial heartbreak, upset and desperately difficult times financially, I absolutely thrived!
I focused on me, my kids, my boundaries, my needs, my wants, my career, my friends and family and evolved eventually into a strong, successful woman from the shell of a person I'd been before.
Having a relationship isn't all its cracked up to be most of the time. Particularly if you 'settle'.
My advice would be don't settle, get to love and respect yourself first and then look around for someone to share your life with.

this is why im not dating till my children are adults!

I’ve been seeing someone for nearly 3 years. We don’t live together, but in the past year or so he’s come on holidays me and my kids. My kids are 13 and 9. His are young adults.
My kids like him, he likes them, but they’ll never love eachother, and I wouldn’t expect them to.

It’s works for us.
We won’t live together until my kids have left home.

Same as mintychoc I’ve a BF, been together for 3yrs. Each of us has two teens. All get on fine. I wouldn’t expect my BF ever to love my dc and don’t expect the same with his dc.

We are very happy, no plans to move in for the foreseeable.

Any relationship from now on will have different rules and boundaries. Things won’t ever be like they were in your nuclear family but that’s ok.

It’s good you’re thinking about this now OP. As PP have said, it is often best for the kids if you avoid having a serious cohabiting relationship until they’re older or have left home. It’s just too much to ask of children, who through no fault of their own are expected to share their home with a new man they had no say in choosing and who isn’t their parent. Many an adult carries scars from their mother or father hopping around between relationships their entire childhood bringing new ‘partners’ in and out of their lives when they should really be focused on parenting.

By all means, date, if you feel ready. But now you have a child, their needs come first. You see it all over MN, someone becoming single, meeting someone else and quickly introducing the new ‘partner’ (boyfriend or girlfriend) to the kids after six months, expecting them to relate as stepparents and stepkids without marrying and then dealing with the fallout when it goes wrong. I have much admiration for people who decide to only date without cohabiting or wait until they’re adults or have flown the nest before considering another serious relationship.

My dc were teenagers when I split with their father. I have a boyfriend but no plans to make it live-in or even to involve him much in their lives.

I had 2 stepdads growing up, and I had difficult relationships with them both. I wouldn't want to inflict some bloke on my kids.

DH was in tears this morning. He held his head in his hands and said "I feel I'm letting the boys down" the reason? There isn't much money for Christmas presents for my two DS and for his DS. I have job hopped for two years to triple my salary. I've now started a new job this month, but I've had a total of five months off this year. And my very lovely, kind generous husband is blaming himself. Yes I believe he does love my DS, as much as their father ever did or does.

Yes I totally agree with the above. I am raising my 13 year old boy as a single parent since he was 5 months old. He is 14 in March. There is only 4 years left. There is nothing on the market also!

His education and upbringing come first. Luckily I have had four cohabiting relationships prior to giving birth to ds so I know relationships aren't necessarily bliss.

I run my own business and am always very busy focusing on that. I also am on the spectrum (borderline Asperger's) and need to take good care of myself in the SAD season. I really don't have time and headspace for one more thing.

I hear through the grapevine through ds that many children suffer from their stepfathers e.g. physical abuse and mental/emotional abuse. He brings me back the gossip so to speak. I am just pleased I am strong enough to wait until ds has finished his education. Assuming there is a suitable candidate out there when the time comes!!

No don't expect somebody else to love your child like you do or like their own. I think you will be kidding yourself.

My oldest friend had a child when she was very young, she met her husband when baby was seven months old, he adopted her a few years later and the were extremely close. She had a better relationship with him than she did with her mum even.

They got divorced 25 years later. Husband wanted nothing to do with daughter, didn't even invite her to his second wedding about six years later. He has had nothing to do with her since the day he parted ways with her mother.

Like PPs have said, I don't plan on having a relationship until DS is an adult. Stepfamily situations are more work than they're worth imo.

I have a FWB currently and it works for me.

If I did meet somebody unexpectedly that I felt like I wanted more with then it would just be a boyfriend and nothing more. I wouldn't want him to act like a parent to DS and I certainly wouldn't move in with anyone.

I don't want to ever marry again as I am now saving to buy my own home and I want to ensure that everything I'm working for will go to DS when I'm gone, not to a man.

I don't think that someone else will love your child the way you do but it's also not necessary for that to happen to build a happy family (if that's what you want)

I was a lone parent for over 10 years and had no intention of living with anyone again. I met my dp 4 years ago, we were friends first and got together a year later. We now live together with my teen DS and our baby.

Of course he doesn't love my DS the way I do, but they get on well, and DP provides a strong male role model that DS has never had previously as his own father is totally absent.

Thanks for all the replies. I suppose it's something I have to come to terms with. More than anything it just makes me sad that I couldn't work things out with my child's father. I would not be opposed to a new relationship at some point in the future if I felt certain it was right. But of course I would always put my son's needs above anyone else's.

Wow! There's a lot of women here staying single for the sake of their children. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not the only way kids can flourish after divorce, as there's advantages both ways, as long as the new partner is a good'un.

I have remarried recently. My marriage broke down 7 years ago, and I met my now husband about 6 years ago. The kids didn't know about our relationship for the first year, and he only moved in with us after two years. It's been a long road, and we've deliberately gone very slowly, but things seem to be really good now (touch wood).

He's a brilliant role model for my kids, kind, consistent and full of equanimity. He does his share of housework, and gets the kids to do theres; he supports me in my parenting decisions and backs me up when needed. They get to see what a relationship based on discussion and compromise (as opposed to constant arguing) looks like, and have gained a big set of new relatives, including kids of their age who they got on with. We also have two incomes and have been able to buy a house that would have been impossible for just me.

Does he love them like his own? Probably not, but they have two parents already so that's ok. We all get on.

So, it can work, but you do have to put the kids first and tread very carefully.

I don't think anyone was saying it's the only way, lovelycuppateas.

But I think there are strong societal expectations that if you're single, you must only be happy if you find a man, and then it should be an inexorable march toward living together. This is, nonetheless, a valid desire, but when you have dc already you're risking a lot when you bring in a live in partner.

I think less conventional ways of having relationships and just dating are underrated.

I dont want any men around my children, i simply dont want a step family and i dont want a man in ny childrens lives. I also wouldnt have a friends with benefits as thats not for me, im happy this way. I certainly wouldnt expect another man to love my kids and i think its rarely happens.

It's really a catch 22 position.

If your partner loves your children as his own (in concept that is nice)
But it is near enough impossible because they still have to have bounderies as the kids already have parents. So can't discipline and be overly involved with out stepping on other parents toes so to speak.

They can be involved and loving but getting that balance can be difficult based on what I've read on other threads.

So expecting someone to love the child at that level might be hard but getting a respectful relationship between step parent and child is the next best thing.

You can't love someone else's child as your own. The very fact the your partner could decide they don't want to be with you for whatever reason and then you could never see the kids again massively prohibits the type of all consuming love you might have for your own child, then there's the lack of biological bonding etc so I would try not to expect this as it can only lead to disappointment.

A step parent can love them a lot though and bring new things into their lives for example I love baking and mum and dad don't do this so dsc and I do a lot of this together. They have a different relationship with me, I don't have to do a lot of disciplining as that's what their parents are for so in many ways they are more relaxed and tell me things they might not tell Daddy themselves.

I would try not to worry about it unless you meet someone you particularly want to move forward with and then focus on being respectful and kind.