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Original poster

How do I get over this? It’s ridiculous. About a house.

23 replies

Saddoland · 09/12/2018 11:59

Earlier this year, due to financial problems DH got us into, we were forced to sell our much-loved house to stay afloat.

It is a beautiful house and we’d made it really nice as it was our family home. It was immediately popular when it went to market. It was one of those lifetime houses that I never imagined moving from. When we first looked round it I had a vision of being there as an old lady. I actually saw myself there and my DC grown up, and felt very happy.

We have memories of all the events of our grown up lives there - marriage, DC’s being born, friends and family staying. After a tricky, army - based upbringing where I moved around a lot, it was my first adult home and my safe place.

I think I was in denial all the way through the selling process. Even while accepting the offer I think I hoped that our circumstances would change and we could pull out of the sale. Even when we completed I was sure that it could not actually happen because I felt that it was our place in every sense of the word.

Now it’s gone, almost a year after, I cannot walk down the street it’s on. I have to go three streets along. In fact I can’t even think about it without welling up. I still feel rage at DH which comes out of nowhere and then I realise it’s because of the house. I feel like if I could just walk back in there, then everything would go back to normal. I fantasise about buying it back one day.

On many levels life is actually much better now we have more cash, so it’s not like letting go of the house has coincided with any great deprivation or quality of life change.

I’m not sure how to get over it. Or even to come out of denial. I still have dreams that that’s where I live and wake up to remember that I don’t. I hate the thought of someone else in there.

DH says I should be grateful for the family and the DC and the friends which I still have and haven’t gone with the house. And that I carry the memories with me. And I do understand and feel that, but it’s not like the house has died - it’s still there, and other people are now living in it.

I know I am being unreasonable, I don’t need to be told that. But I don’t know how to get over it.

OP posts:

TheLittlestLightOnTheTree · 09/12/2018 12:04

Sympathies op

I feel exactly the same about a childhood home I lived in

Maelstrop · 09/12/2018 12:05

Dh has a fucking cheek given he was the one that got you into financial bother!

You will, hopefully, eventually stop feeling so heart broken, but I think it's normal to be very attached to a house.

Butteredghost · 09/12/2018 12:09

This is a tough one. What sort of problems caused by DH are we talking? Something like his business unfortunately and unexpectedly failing? Or something like gambling? This would effect my level of bitterness and ability to get over it.

I suppose the way I'd get over it would be to try not to think about how great everything would be if you lived in the house. It might not be, you don't know how things would have turned out. The roof could have fallen, the sewerage pipes could have needed fixing at great cost, or dc could have fallen down the stairs (sorry to be morbid!). And you say your quality of life hasn't changed.

I don't know though because honestly something like this would go a long way to destroying my relationship. But I'm a bitter person.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 09/12/2018 12:09

I'd feel the same as you. Sounds like you've unresolved anger at DH for creating the situation. I wonder would counselling help

showmeyourgroovymoves · 09/12/2018 12:10

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. I do everything to avoid going down the road of my family home where I grew up for similar reasons and find it difficult to accept and forgive the person responsible (although it isn't my DH). I want to remember it how it was and not see any changes that have been made to it.

Hoppinggreen · 09/12/2018 12:10

Poor you OP
I don’t think you are being U at all and your DH should thank his lucky stars you are being so understanding and keep his gob shut
It’s not just bricks and mortar, it was your home and you lost it in difficult circumstances that weren’t your fault, I’m not surprised it’s very hard for you
I really hope that you feel better with time x

Wilfredohoney · 09/12/2018 12:13

I had a very similar experience. Same reason.
I cried so much the day I drove past and saw someone else's Christmas tree in the window. It was devastating. Like you I was in complete denial, and kept checking the property pages for it coming back up for sale. It wouldn't ever because it was the house everyone wanted to live in... So special.
I never forgave, the resentment in me snowballed. It was a little like you in that afterwards we were not in such a bad position . But for me this was just confirmation that we could have afforded to stay after all .
only sympathy from me.
It's small in the grand scheme of things but feels massive.

paem · 09/12/2018 12:14

You most definitely are NBU. I felt like crying reading your post.

StarJazmin · 09/12/2018 12:18

I think your feelings are entirely understandable, and yes it seems likely there may be an element of anger or resentment that your husband caused you to have to sell what was supposed to be your forever home, but also, it sounds like you’re grieving for a future you had that is now not going to happen.

So I think you should treat it like a grieving process, and be kind to yourself about it. Work on building a new, realistic future vision to replace the one you’ve lost.

Didiusfalco · 09/12/2018 12:23

You’re very articulate about why this is bothering you, and I’m sure a lot of it is to do with your upbringing and this house having been a haven and a place of stability for you. It’s not that your dh is wrong about family, friends etc (although agree with pp that he can wind his neck in after getting you in to the mess) but it is okay to feel sad and unsettled. I’m not sure what the solution is aside from hoping it eases with time? Where are you living now? Is there anything you could do to your current house interior to make it feel more comfortable for you? Having lived on a council estate on a busy road and then moved somewhere with nice neighbours and a garden I know how much a house can affect your mental health.

Snog · 09/12/2018 12:24

There is stuff going on here, counselling could really help you accept the situation and move on.
I'm glad your new chapter is going well.

OhTheRoses · 09/12/2018 12:27

It sounds as though you are projecting your anger at your DH onto losing the house, your home.

I think you have to find a way to get over that first.

OhLemons · 09/12/2018 12:29

Did you lose the house because of gambling or something similar, or was it because of something beyond his control?

It has obviously caused you great sadness, but I'm wondering if you are also feeling great resentment towards your husband because you feel it could have been avoided?

Your husband is possibly feeling guilty about it hence him not validating and understanding how you feel.

I think if you work through the events that caused it to happen that you may come to terms with it more.

Racecardriver · 09/12/2018 12:30

That would really upset me too. I’ve spent my entire life waiting to move on to the next place. If I found my forever home I would feel bereft to leave if.

Robin2323 · 09/12/2018 12:49

Incompletely understand.
We are in our third house in 20 years.
It's always a wrench to move and and takes ages but one day you do fall I love with your new house.
I did.

I've just walked passed my old one.

I was so happy there

Can you make your new home the best it's ever been ?
Moving house is stressful regardless and takes at least a year for things to settle down.

JennyHolzersGhost · 09/12/2018 12:59

This isn’t just about the house, it’s about your relationship. Your DH let you down and it doesn’t sound as though you’ve both really processed that, partic given his extremely insensitive reaction to your feelings of loss. I think you need to explore your feelings and unpack them a bit more, if you’re going to avoid permanently damaging your relationship.

Do you want to talk about the financial side of what happened, and what exactly your DH did ?

metronome1 · 09/12/2018 18:52

I too think this is about resentment towards your husband.

However, I know exactly how you feel about the house. I lived in a beautiful home a few years ago. The best house I have ever had. I had my dd there. It was my happy, safe home and my first home of my own as an adult. I worked hard to get it.
It got infested with mice very badly and because of my phobia of them I had to move. The house was lovely but it was an old terrace and nothing I did got rid of the mice completely. My neighbor would not work with me so it was pointless.
I used to drive past it on purpose and I once looked in the window (that sounds really bad and stalker like) the new owners were messier than me and I got upset. I still get a little twang in my cheat if I drive past but it's less now. It's been 3 years and I have a new,lovely home. I have made new memories here and had another dd in this house. It just takes time op. Try to build new happy memories in this home. It's Christmas so you can start new traditions there. It will pass like everything else

pallisers · 09/12/2018 18:59

I am so sorry you lost your lovely home. I also think that a lot of this is resentment at your dh and anger that he destabalised your home - something that is even more important to you than many because of your upbringing.

Did you have a chance to really express your feelings about the situation to your dh? Did he show that he understood and did he acknowledge your feelings and acknowledge and apologise for anything he did wrong that led to the loss of the house? I think if that was dealt with you might be able to accept the loss of your house better.

crimsonlake · 09/12/2018 19:19

I lost my house, albeit in different circumstances, but through divorce. This time last year I was in the middle of packing whilst still trying to keep the Christmas spirit up for my sons , decorating the house and all the usual festivities. It was a very, difficult, exhausting sad time. We had to move out of the area and the boys were devastated to be moving away from their friends. I keep in contact with an elderly neighbour and promised to visit, but it is only a couple of months ago that I could bring myself to drive past our old home. The first time it still looked like ours and whilst visiting my neighbour I sat there thinking it had all been a dream and I would get up and walk across the road to find the boys sitting in the lounge. On future visits they had completely transformed the front of the house, so in fact it no longer looked like our old home. For some reason this made feel feel better, it was as if it no longer existed. I found have found it difficult to get in to the Christmas spirit this year and I suddenly realised why, it was because I now associate it with the upset and upheaval of last year's Christmas, the last one in our old home. Whenever I think back to that time I feel an incredible sadness, it is gut wrenching to remember how awfully sad my boys were. 12 months later and life has moved on as it rightly should, but that experience, memory and feeling will haunt me forever.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2018 20:35

Selling and leaving a home because you want to is one thing, but you were literally forced out due to your horrible husband and his irresponsibility. Personally, don't think I could forgive that.

I can't even imagine your heartbreak over this and I'm so sorry.

CatFem · 09/12/2018 20:36

I think counselling would really help you

Peakypolly · 09/12/2018 20:50

horrible husband and his irresponsibility
Do we know this is applicable to the DH in this scenario? He could have lost money due to circumstances beyond his control - ill health, insolvency of customers etc.
I do not doubt the upset this House move caused you. My MIL says the only way she will leave the home she has lived in for 53 years is "in a box" but I agree with your DH that having your loved ones and your health are beyond price/property.

SuperSuperSuper · 09/12/2018 21:40

Oh OP I really sympathise. I think you need to examine your feelings about what DH did (you imply that he did something wrong or made a stupid mistake, apologies if I've misunderstood and actually he was blameless). If he did screw up, he has no business hectoring you. He should be far humbler, and more considerate of your sacrifice.

Anyway, I think that you need to chat to someone impartial about all this.

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