New baby husband anxious

[Mercier1]

I have a toddler and just had a new baby on Monday. I have no family nearby and my parents have passed away. My husband and I have been having issues in our marriage which I would say have been really tough particularly for the last 4 months or so.
It really coloured the pregnancy for me and I’ve felt insanely guilty for bringing another child into things at times though he is very wanted and loved.
We moved house during this period, something I had wanted to do since the older child was born but which my husband wouldn’t agree too and when I had the positive test he said ok looks like we are moving.
The move was stressful and we completed a week before giving birth, the baby has come early and I was working until a few days before his arrival. No hospital bag and my life in boxes etc.
The issues in the marriage are to do with arguments. Bickering. We tried counselling twice.
Anyways when I got home from the hospital on the night I was discharged I lost the plot a bit, emotions very high and my milk was coming in. I was sobbing and crying. A few nights before my waters broke we had been in bed arguing about how fucked up everything was. There’s just so much sadness right now.
Anyways im trying to establish breastfeeding after problems, nipples wrecked and this morning I was feeding the baby in bed and my husband had taken the toddler etc. I was in there over an hour and text him to ask him to bring me breakfast. He was really upset by this and accused me of being angry wth him. I’m just fucking sad ffs, I’m hungry and sad. And I’m under a baby. Can you not muster up a slice of toast?
He said I wasn’t supporting him. He’s clearly in a really bad place. I think anxiety/depression symptoms. I feel so scared of developing PND myself right now.
I guess my question is what can I do? I love him and he’s in a bad place. But I need support and care right now too from him. I have encouraged him daily to go to the doctor and I think he will... but we are currently needing to register with a new one. I don’t really know why I’m posting. Please go easy on me. I’m feeling incredibly broken.

You have had a series of large changes in your lives in the last few years and it seems they are taking their toll. If your DH is struggling then professional advice is right to be sought. As a breastfeeding mum with a toddler and no wider family support you don't have the bandwith to deal with your husband's issues at the moment. Sorry to be blunt but he basically needs to get his shit together, start supporting you and seek professional help for his MH issues.

Oh sweetheart, I do feel for you. I had an immensely supportive husband (sorry) and still sank into PND very badly so I hear where you're coming from.

I had a doula who does post-natal work come and help me. She wasn't hugely expensive but saved my sanity, I think. Is that something you could consider?

Your husband needs to step up and help you, whilst getting help himself, but I'm not sure he's going to do that, which is why I think you need to look outside the home for some support.

I actually looked into a post natal doula for this reason as I could see it coming down the road... my husband was quite offended by this but I think I will explore my options. The toddler will be in childcare as normal which I was feeling guilty about but now see as essential.
My DH just said he feels like he is disappointing/letting everyone down. I obviously reasured him. He’s doing his very best but I do feel really upset that at a time when I’m meant to be bonding with my baby I’m worrying about all this shit.
Also I think his anxiety manifests in kinda mini obsessions. Example he’s become fixated on a specific kind of pan and is researching it non stop. Last week it was coffee gadgets. He told me when we had the older child he bought 8 packets of different types of playing cards which was a manifestation of his anxiety about becoming a dad... does this sound like anxiety to anyone here?

does this sound like anxiety to anyone here?

No. It sounds more like him being a dick.

@NotTheFordType come on, yes there are aspects of his behaviour which are being a dick. But compulsive behaviour etc I don’t think is being a dick.

I'm sorry you are struggling OP but it is understandable. You have been through several life changing events in a short period of time. Pregnancy messes up your hormones as does labour. The beginning of breastfeeding is really hard. Having a newborn plus a toddler is a challenge. On top of that you've moved. Be gentle with yourself. Be patient with regards to the things that you can't do yet such as unpacking.
Your DH's obsessions sound like an attempt at regaining some control over something when he maybe feels like he's lost control over the rest.
I think you both need to accept that not everything is going to be perfect/tidy/unpacked for a while and that's ok. Take one day at a time, focus on priorities, the children, yours and DHs wellbeing.

Thanks @villagelifer the issue isn’t unpacking. Or the house mess. It’s just the horrid atmosphere at a time when we should be happy and positive about our new baby. I can’t breath or I’m accused of being pissed off with him, when actually I just need some love and support. It now looks like we are about to be readmitted to hospital. I feel so shit but a tiny part of me feels happy to get a break away from the tension.

It's shit but perhaps you'll get the support that you need in hospital and DH will just have to handle things. He may be struggling but his MH does not somehow trump your well-being especially if he refuses to seek help and you have new baby.

He’s not refusing to get help but we don’t have a GP right now because of the move and baby, also I asked him to get critical illness cover before going to the doctor a few weeks back as he has no sick leave entitlement in work and things are tight with maternity etc. However he hasn’t sorted these things (his responsibility) having said that I went into labour...