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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Depression or cheating?

14 replies

CJC1234 · 09/12/2018 10:44

Hi all,

My partner and I have been together for five years. He’s suffered from depression on and off and at its worst (not long after we met and following a tricky divorce) he ended up in hospital after a suicide attempt. I’ve been there throughout and although he has suffered over the years he has always leaned on me and we have got through it. About 3 months ago, his grandad died and I wonder if this has triggered an episode. He decided he needed space form our relationship and left out of the blue. At first he was staying with his parents but is now renting somewhere and it is costing a fortune... the result of which means I’m having to make up the shortfall with our house hold bills. He won’t communicate with me or give me reasons as to why he’s left only that he needs space and he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. He suggested couples counselling - I’ve bern three times and each time he’s let me down at the last moment and hasn’t come. He’s also struggling at work and is on a performance plan. He seems to resent me for this as he says his focus is so much on our life that he hasn’t been trying at work. He’s all of a sudden going out all the time, has deleted his Facebook and reactivated an old one from before we met. He’s posting photos of his nights out on here and won’t add me as a friend. He’s changed his phone pin and is glued to his phone. I saw a message from a woman over his shoulder a month or so ago and he dismissed it as someone from work. He won’t communicate with me or be pinned down into any decisions at all. I don’t hear from him for days then he turns up unannounced. I have tried to be understanding on the basis that I think it’s depression - he won’t admit to that but recognised that he’s ‘gone down the rabbit hole’ with his thoughts and Cant make sense of his feelings. He was always so caring and seemed so in love. We have had a great relationship in my eyes yet he seems willing to throwing it away without giving me a chance to solve anything. I am in bits all the time and feel guilty as I don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve this. He’s spending money from joint accounts that he shouldn’t be and won’t tell me where I stand. On the rare occasion we speak on the phone he says he loves me but on texts he doesn’t say this anymore.

I’m confused as it could be a breakdown triggered by grief and problems at work or it could be he’s met someone else and can’t tell me. Or both.

What do I do?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 10:57

Sounds like he has checked out physically as well as emotionally in your relationship and has another woman on the go. Honestly I would give him his marching orders, you're being thoroughly messed about and he will just make you ill.

This comment of yours, "We have had a great relationship in my eyes yet he seems willing to throwing it away without giving me a chance to solve anything" is a good example of the sunken costs fallacy and that just causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. Why is it your job to solve anything here for him, it is not. Its his life and he has acted of his own free will. He will also leave you poor financially. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.

How much of his behaviour is really due to depression as opposed to his now acting like an utter arsehole?. He has not seemingly been to see any doctor recently. He potentially being depressed is no excuse for you to be treated by him so very badly here.

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 09/12/2018 11:01

Oh my god! I can’t believe you have to ask what you do. You end it formally and move on with your life. He’s treating you like absolute shit and expects you to hang around for some more of his shitty treatment of you. The ‘cause’ doesn’t even matter anymore, though I think you’d be naive to assign all of this to depression. I’ve had serious clinical depression and never treated my partner in this way. It sounds more like he’s done with the relationship but too much of a coward to actually tell you (or likes having you around as an option for a bit) and he’s treating you like shit cos he knows you won’t leave him. That, or he wants you to be the bad guy and end it so he can look like the aggrieved party.

In your shoes I’d be so incredibly insulted he thought he could do this and I’d still be there for him. I’d have ended it a long time ago.

Please dig deep and find what’s left of your self respect, look at his actions and ask yourself if you’re happy with this weird half relationship with a man who treats you with contempt that isn’t going anywhere.

HalloumiGus · 09/12/2018 11:08

Keep going to the counselling but turn the focus onto you and your needs and why you are settling for so little. Your relationship with him is over.

He may well be depressed - I had PND and was a complete tool to DH when I was in the worst of it - but the difference was I REALISED I was being awful and sought help - CBT and counselling. I never moved out and started living a separate life. This is a choice he is making. Do you have DC? Can you imagine him doing this leaving you holding a baby?

You don't need him. Move on. Be ready for him to come crawling back when he runs out of money. Tell him no.

category12 · 09/12/2018 11:11

OP, he's left you.

You need to do what people do who have been left, cry a lot, start sorting out the practical and financial stuff and start moving your life on.

Original poster

CJC1234 · 09/12/2018 11:15

I have two children from a past relationship and he has one. We have lived together for four out of the five years and have joint finances and a business together. It’s not that I am willing to settle for so little it’s that I am still in utter shock at the way he is acting and wouldn’t want to throw away a relationship that has been very good and all our future plans. Especially for the 3 children involved. It’s like he’s a totally different person to who he was two months ago. I’m aware that I can’t go on like this indefinitely though. I just need to find the strength.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 11:27

There is no relationship to speak of and he is not the person you thought he was. All this about throwing a relationship away from you is really the sunken costs fallacy in action. He only cares about his own self, you and these three children are all caught in the crossfire.

Rebuild your life now without him in it. Send him packing. Sit down with an accountant now and work out how he can be separated from the joint business. Put you and your kids first before he leaves you even poorer.

everydaymum · 09/12/2018 11:29

He's checked out of the relationship. Maybe its depression, maybe the death was a wake up call that he wasn't where he wants to be in his life, who knows, but it doesn't matter. You are not responsible for him, but you are responsible for yourself and your DCs. Get professional advice, separate your finances and once the practicalities are sorted give yourself time to mourn your relationship.

Orange6904 · 09/12/2018 14:24

I wouldn't blame the depression, sounds like he wants to pursue other women. Sorry you are going through this op, it's horrible.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 14:27

THIS

he already left you OP

Unicornandbows · 09/12/2018 14:31

I wouldn't blame the depression he has checked out of your relationship and is a coward for not ending things with you. You need to start getting your finances in order and then boot him out!

WilburforceRaven · 09/12/2018 14:36

He's long gone. Is he having his children over at his or expecting you to look after them whilst he swans off.

Villagelifer · 09/12/2018 15:02

I agree with PP in that you don't really have a choice. He's left and he's shut you out.
The only thing you can decide is how long you are leaving your finances tangled to his.

Snowballs4ever · 09/12/2018 15:05

Sorry OP, he's gone. Please sort out your finances, business etc because you need to look after yourself, he is certainly not looking out for you.

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 09/12/2018 15:21

Do you think you’re trying to persuade yourself you have any say in whether this relationship continues or not (despite the overwhelming evidence he has left you) cos it’s too painful to really acknowledge that he has left you OP? I’m so sorry. It sounds like denial on your part. From your description of him you’re so well rid.

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