How do you leave

[Sofabitch]

When you're just unhappy. And you've told them repeatedly that you don't want to be in a relationship anymore.

No major reason other than I just don't want to be with him anymore. I look at him and just think how did I end up here. I genuinely believe we make each other unhappy.

I've asked him to leave. He won't. He lives me and thinks it will all be fine. We've had marriage counselling 2 fecking years worth and I still feel the same.

We've been together since 16 ... So I've literally never had to do this. But our lives took different paths and we are such different people now.

Can you just leave a 20 year relationship just because you don't want it?

He's not a shit person... well a big man child but no concrete reason to go.

How do I do this?

You can leave a relationship whenever you want. It’s a voluntary thing. It’s often a good idea to give it your all if marriage or kids are involved as it can cause a lot of pain to the other person or family to break up a relationship, but after twenty years I’m sure you’ve tried as hard as you can and you seem confident it’ll never get better.

So what’s holding you back? Do you not know where you will be able to go and stay?

Since he doesn't want to leave, then it's up to you to do it. I found a place to stay ( a work friend's basement flat ) . Packed up my little car with my most treasured possessions . Went and got my hair and nails done to give myself Dutch courage, then I just said I was going. He was shocked but I went ahead and did it. Drove off into my new life. It was a lot easier than I'd expected - and I'd been married for 30 years. Good luck.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave. What is holding you back from say the action of divorcing him here?.

I think it just feels so selfish. It will hurt people. I know its messy and painful and shitty.

I guess I could leave. Would have to move with the youngest. Maybe that's my only way. But that would mean literally ripping the family in 2.

I think it just feels so selfish. It will hurt people

You're entitled to happiness as well. The people that might be hurt will get over it and move on in time. Ask yourself, are you prepared to suffer another 10/20/30 years of this for the sake of avoiding a bit of temporary hurt for others? Being a martyr to a shit relationship is rarely worth it.

But I'm just so unhappy.

Then take control and stop the unhappiness.
You don't need anyone's permission.
Really.

Who is the main carer, or is it evenly split?

Is the marital home rented or mortgaged?

A pretty even split but the youngest is 10 so not young. Owned.

I had another chat today. I think it might have finally sunk in. Is it possible to have an amicable divorce when one person isn't keen.

It is possible but unlikely. You can legally force sale as part of the divorce...

If you share care then it may be a case of you moving out and renting a room, financially this is not wise!

I would inform in writing that the relationship is over and you are seeking legal separation and you need to start living independently within the same house. So no washing each other's clothes, shared food shopping or cooking and you need to sleep separately.

Just means the 2 years separation can start from now rather than one of you moving out.