Finding it hard to get over husbands affair (sorry - it is quite long)

[cba]

ok, I will try to keep it short and to the point.

I found out a year gone march that my dh had been having an affair for approx 1.5yr, during that time it spanned the whole pregnancy with our child we had just got married so the whole of our married life he had been having an affair.

I found out about by charging one of his unused phones to use as mine had broke, he was away on business. ds2 then got hold of the phone it was on a message declaring undying love for dh and how she couldnt wait to hold him.

I was devastated and phoned him immediately he was away on business. His voice sounded panic stricken and said he would phone me back. I knew straight away it was true. We had a holiday planned 10 days later. I couldnt let the children down so I went ahead with it.

The reasons he gave was that he felt neglected that I was giving all my attention to the babies. We have three 6,4 and 2. I had also suffered a miscarriage inbetween the first two.

I was devastated but decided to work through things. I didnt tell anyone as I didnt want to upset his mum or mine. This was hard.

Then two months ago my dh came home and said he couldnt lie to me any longer. He had continued contact for the last year. He said she had been emotionally blackmailing him and he couldnt take it any longer. I found this hard to believe as I already knew about her so how could she do this. Anyway, he confided in his mum and she said he had to tell me straight away or she would.

Anyway, once again I was devastated and yet again we had a holiday planned. So, we went as other family memebers were going.

I was just starting to put things behind me when a week ago I found a travel intinary for him and her for travel abroad, my heart sank and I just cried. When I looked at the dates this when our first son had started school, he couldnt be there because he was away on business. I feel utterley betrayed and each day I get up feeling like shit.

I am finding it hard to move on. I do love him and he maintains that all he talked about was me. So fuck. He has a very stressful business to the point that he dosent spend time with us.

When I point this out he says he cant concentrate on us, and that he is a failure and just shouts at me and threatens to leave.

I do love him but I am just not happy. I have not told my mum about the affair, but I am really getting close to breaking point and really need some advice, please help

Dodgy calls to mobile not good I got lots of these when it was still going on - he had told her not to talk to me ...she was dying to tell me - needed solicitor to put end to it

cba a holiday alone is a great idea. I did it 2 weeks ago with ds. Hardest week of my life in some ways (missed H and found it hard alone with baby in practical ways) - but it was absolutely the best thing for me. It not only showed me that I could have a great time without him, but also that it is only ds that really matters, and I don't actually need him.

I hope you find a way through this.

Counselling is a very good idea. Sounds like he needs it too.

cba, my heart goes out to you going through this as I've been there.....
It will be 4 years in Nov since I learned of my dh affair with a work colleague- completely out of the blue, been together for 20 years at that point (married 15) it devistated me and nearly tore my family apart (3 beautiful kids too)

However I want to say we are still together and are closer and stronger now and I do not regret for 1 minute working through this awful time and staying together.

My dh like yours continued to lie and decieve and see her even after he told me about the affair- it took nearly a year for HER to be out of our lives completley and true healing to start (she became a bit of a bunny boiler- wouldn't leave him alone even after I went to see her and we got to the point of "telling on her" to her dh every time she tried to contact my dh!!!!!!!!)

Your dh has to start taking responsibiliyt for his actions and the consiuences of them. You no longer trust him he lies he decieves he has for now given up any right to privacy or trust- he has to earn it back! NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT-you will be looking for your part in it but HE made the choices he could have stopped you and talked to you if he was unhappy and his feeble excuse of being jealous of the attention you gave the children! well grow up- this is the real world!

That's part of the issue affairs are not in the real world, they are escapism and fantasy- sometimes not even escapism from the relationship your in- ny dh wase scaping his own insecurities- he never tried to talk to me about how he felt- he always had the chance to do that and chose not to- HIS FAULT not mine!

He knows now how close he came to throwing everything away for "so little" -his words now! Your dh is still in denial- he must face how and why he got into the affair in the first place he must seek counselling to explore what caused this.My dh only really turned the corner when he did that- he then was finally completely truthful and told all- upto then like your dh he was denying it was a full affair- believe me honey he HAS slept with her that's why he can't face telling the truth.

You can recover from this very slowky but only if all the "demonds" are out in the open- you must know all and he must deal with your reaction to that if he's truely sorry if he really wants to make a go of it he has to take it all now and go out of his way to make you feel special agin.

I'd recommend you do some counselling to- the emotions you are feeling now are so strong, confusing up and down- counselling lets you vent the pain safley and allows you to see claerly so YOU* can decide what you really want. He doesn't deserve another chance but if you chose to give it then you need help doing that.

My dh went to work away for awhile after it all came out- it gave me a chance to decide what I wanted. It let me see I could live without him but I chose not to- he knows how lucky he is!I weighed up the relationship we'd had before (20 great yaers together) with this 1 year of maddness and decided we could go forward. It's not the easy option it takes lots of time and pain to get there but having shared that trauma together we know now we can face anything together. Good luck- keep talking we are here.

thanks maturer, it sounds as though we probably talk from the same hym sheet so to speak. I do know he has slept with her and I am deluding myself otherwise. I do go through everything he brings home now, as you say he has to earn trust back.

I am feeling quite positive today, but, yes the thoughts are always there at the back of my mind. How long does it take for them to go.

My children break up next week from school and nursery so it will be eight weeks holidays with three children so I am going to need all the strength I can muster.

I am planning a little hol just for me and the children and lots of days out with friends and my family. His mum can go forth and multiply at the moment I cannot be arsed with her put down comments.

Thank you all it really does help me.

I too am wondering how long the thoughts go on for.

I can honestly say though that i have not desire to 'go through his things'. Surely if there was anything still going on he would have found another way around it. Different mobile phone and credit card ect.

For me it is not about building the trust - I now know what a complete liar he can be. It is whether i want to carry on a relationship with this person - I do by the way but that is because i have changed into the person i want to be now. He now wants to be with me too and everyday tells me how sorry he was and how grateful he is that i have given him another chance ect. This phase i am sure will end but this is what gives me the strengh to carry on at the moment.

I also now know that i could survive without him it is just that my life is better with him in it.

I still have bad days where i just want to scream - this is not what i had planned for my life but there are a lot worse things that could happen and at least i have learnt a lot about myself throuhg all this.

And yes we are a lot happier and are both making more time for each other which means i get to go out more - hopefully off to paris on weds if i can get someone to look after my brood.

"He said a man dosent stray unless there is something missing. "

Arsehle!! Sorry but that is not acceptable. It isn't your fault. You both* had kids so why does he continue to expect all your attention. If things were so bad he could have dealt with it more constructively by talking to you and keeping it in his pants....

maturer - you are singing from my hymn sheet too! CBA, as you can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it can seem pretty dim and distant a lot of the time and there is a lot of heart ache and hard work ahead of you but you will be much stronger at the end of it and you will have the control from now on and the decision as to whether your marriage is worth sticking it out for will be in your hands. I can honestly, hand on heart say that DH and me are stronger and a better couple because of the experience. We spend more time together and have more quality time away from the kids - I feel I now have the marriage I have always wanted and deserve. Keep strong and keep your head held high, and you will be fine.

cba, hope you're feeling more positive today.

To answer your question about the thoughts and how long they preoccupy you.....at first every moment of every day (when you are not busy)part of this I think is the process of trying to understand what happened and why- which is why you have to get it all oput in the open, You can't move on until you've made some sense of it all. i'm not saying find excuses for your dh's actions but i am saying you need to make some peace with it and that only happens when he's gone through that process too and then you can talk about the effect on you and how you now feel.

A counsellor I saw helped me understand why I kept thinking about it all the time- she said if you were involved in a horrific accident where say someone died or you nearly died you talk about it after, you keep replaying it over and over in your head, you do the "what if's" etc until you make some sense of it and you part in it. Coming to terms with an affair is a truamatic incident and IMO is akin to a grieving process so the processes of moving on are very similar. you will have days where you are ok then days when it hits you again with full force and anguish and you despair!

The problem is at the moment , from what you describe your dh has not yet made sense of his own actions, he does not want to talk about it , he's (quite rightly) ashamed and probably can't understand how on earth he got to this place. He needs to come to terms with this and explain in his own mind why- then he can try and tell you and you can make some sense of it.

you know- you do not have to forgive- some things in life are unforgivable- but you do have to make some sort of sense and peace with it all. otherwise it eats eats away at you. With time and talking about it asking the questions and facing the pain together you can start to getback on track. Even now I don't think a day goes by when it does not enter my head at some point but now I can push it away. i can focus on the now and the future but I /we only got there by focusing for a while on the past. You can't begin to rebuild trust until you trust all has been told and all is out in the open.I still have dayswhere i "wobble" but most days I see we are more understanding of each other andappreciate more the every day pleasures of a family.

Only you know whether your dh is worth the pain of working through this- to those who've never been ther it is so black and white.....cheat....kick hinm out...end of marriage.....but when you are living it, when it's your dh, your best friend and lover and you have children and years of good memories together then it's very different.

Good people sometimes do very bad things- lose the plot and lose sight of what's important in life. If you think your dh can work through this and face his actions honestly with you then stick with it because in my experience and it would seem that of gingermonkey- the man that can emerge from this wilderness- is so worth waiting for! The problem is how long do you wait? there is only so much you can do to help someone you love see sense, he now has to start doing the work here!

thanks maturer for stopping in and seeing how i am. I am actually feeling good at the moment. We are talking and he is explaining things to me. You are right, he does feel deeply ashamed, rightly so. When he is talking about the details I do have to take time outs and cannot always handle too much at once. But, things are getting easier.

You are so right in saying that "those who have not gone through it, black and white etc..". My dh is my soul mate, friend my everything and could not imagine life without him. We both would not get this anyone else.

You are also right in saying good people do very bad things. One of the things that upset me so much was that I always said that I would trust dh in a room full of naked beautiful women. dh said he feels as though he hasnt been himself by his actions and I can see where he is coming from.

We have a long way to go but I know we will make it. I am not going to let a mistake no matter how awful and tragic ruin the rest of our lives.

Yourself and gingermonkey really do have the same beliefs as me and I thank you both so much for the kind word and support

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better cba.

thanks nfk, it really does help to get things down in writing and have a good vent on mn