Was I groomed as a teenager? Pls help

[CandiceR]

Hi, this is kind of weird but I'm 29 now & I've realised I may have been groomed as a teenager. I'd like to hear your thoughts..feel free to judge me - I know how stupid I was.

Here goes...

My teenage years sucked - i self harmed from the ages of 12-19 & I was bullied constantly by other kids. I had my first bf TJ at 12 & lost my virginity to him on my 14th birthday. He was the same age & was pretty nasty - he called me frigid if I wouldn't send him photos & then told other kids I was a slut. His dad got arrested for having child porn on his computer & one of the images was one I'd given to TJ of me topless. TJ moved schools & his dad went to prison. I remember feeling confused & my self harming increased.

That's when 'Jon' (name changed for privacy) came along. I met Jon online when i was 14 (yr 9 of school) & he was 21 (final yr uni student). We spoke for a couple of months & i told him everything about me. He was the only person to ever listen to me talk about my self harm & depression. We spoke daily & then the talk got sexual. It progressed to me sending him nude photos, then he asked me to go on webcam - i did & i felt dirty after.

We carried on speaking all the time & it wasn't just sexual. But it became expected that I would go on webcam - i always agreed even if I didn't feel like it because I wanted Jon to like me & I thought it was what adults did. Jon refused to go on the camera himself & said he wanted to watch me. One of his housemates (aged 22 at the time) walked into Jon's room when i was on webcam once. I thought he would tell the police due to my age - instead he msged me & asked if i would 'perform' for him as well :( I said no & told Jon.

Then Jon & I decided to meet. I met him in a public place but he wanted to go to his house. I trusted him so I went not realising how dangerous that was. When we got to his house he said we should go to his room so his uni mates didn't see me. We chatted & then had sex - I consented but I knew the law said I couldn't consent at 14 & he could get in trouble for it, so i didn't tell anyone. After that we met several times for sex & the webcam continued. At 16 I told Jon I loved him. He said he cared about me but i was too young & society would judge our relationship so I had to remain a secret. This carried on until we were 18 & 25. He would never commit - in fact he got a gf his own age & I felt heartbroken, even suicidal. He still tried to sleep with me but I said no & stopped talking to him.

At 18 I met another guy - Darren - at a party. He was 29 at the time. I was struggling to pay rent & moved in with Darren. We were together for a year & he was abusive throughout - he cheated on me regularly but he hit me if I spoke to other men. He stopped letting me out of the house by myself, controlled my phone & bank account, hit me a few times and one time he raped me. Whenever I tried to leave he threatened to hurt my family. I went to the police but they said I needed 3 incidents before they could help. I started taking drugs to cope & became addicted. One night Darren trashed our house & grabbed me round the throat, a neighbour heard & called the police - Darren was sectioned.

I moved in with a friend & went cold turkey. By 20 I was clean, holding down a job and enrolled in uni - I still self harmed & hated myself though.

I started speaking to Jon again after he heard what happened with Darren & contacted me. He said he was furious with how Darren treated me & said none of it was my fault. We slept together several times & he apologised for how he acted before. I bought up how young I was when we first had sex & Jon told me not to talk about it because it 'made him feel weird'.

The last time I saw Jon was when I was 21 - I realised I was the age Jon was when we first met & that I would never speak to a 14yr old & it freaked me out.

I'm now married to a wonderful man - he knows everything about my past & has been so supportive. Much of my past is behind me but I still struggle with depression.

I don't have anything to do with Jon or Darren. Darren is in prison for an unrelated offence. But Jon is now a Psychologist(!!) & lives with his gf 10 minutes down the road. I've ran into his gf a couple of times - she seems lovely - she thinks I'm an old friend of Jon's & clearly has no idea about our past.

I sometimes think about Jon & wonder what happened. I wonder if it was partly Jon's fault I ended up with a man like Darren - but ultimately I blame myself. I hate who i used to be. I hate the men I attracted. I hate that I used drugs (I'm actually a Drugs Worker now & I support people detoxing). But sometimes, when I'm not blaming myself, a tiny little voice in the back of my head thinks... I was just a child when I met Jon, shouldn't he have known better at 21? Did Jon GROOM me!? As a 29 yr old woman I view under 18's as children - I would never befriend a child or blame a child for an adults inappropriate conduct.

Any thoughts - was I groomed either intentionally or unintentionally by Jon? Was it my fault?

I don't know what to think or who to ask about this. It this still bothers me even all these years later - it's made trusting others hard :(. Thank you for reading - i know this was a long post x

Yes it sounds like you were groomed, and massively taken advantage of. You definitely shouldn't be blaming yourself for decisions you made as a child.

Hi. Yes I’m afraid you were 😞 hindsight I too have had to face. I’m sorry because it will hurt however know that you’ll heal from these realisations. Big hugs

Yes, you were groomed. I'm sorry it happened to you.

I'm so sorry OP. You were targeted and groomed, yes.

Yes targeted, groomed and sexually exploited over a very long period of time. You should not feel any guilt - you were a vulnerable child. You should prioritise seeking emotional support professionally to process this.

Thank you all for replying - it's a hard realisation & i'm struggling to accept it, but it's kind of a relief to hear people other than my husband say it wasn't my fault. I guess i've always blamed myself & i've never felt any anger towards 'Jon' - i knew Darren's behaviour was wrong but I just thought I should have known better with Jon. I even missed him for a couple of years after I cut him out of my life. But now I realise that what he did was wrong & I kind of feel sorry for his current gf. Plus I worry incase Jon ever speaks to young people still :/.

Tbh at the time my mum knew I was friends with an older man & although she said he was 'a bit old' she didn't seem to think there was a problem with me being friends with him. Not that I blame her or anything - she didn't know we were sleeping together & was completely oblivious to my self harming. I wish she'd have stopped me speaking to him thou - i guess hindsights a wonderful thing.

She let you down there, surely she must have suspected something untoward in a 21 yr old man's interest in a 14yr old?

You know you wouldn't judge a girl that age as harshly as you do yourself, so be kind to yourself and have a little compassion for the girl you were.

I went through a very similar thing at a similar age. I never spoke to anyone about it because of how much older he was, i thought people would judge me for it. I always blamed myself because he made me feel bad for him and like i was in the wrong if i didn't do what he wanted. I didn't realise how wrong what he was doing was until years later, It did feel wrong but I never really came to terms with it at the time

Well at 15/16ish I told my mum me and Jon liked each other but he said we couldn't be together because of our age. She asked if anything had happened so she msut have considered the possibility. I lied and said nothing had happened - i think i said we kissed but that was it. She said maybe when we were older we would be together, that was about it really. I guess i do feel kinda let down by her - she always has her head in the clouds.

I moved out at 17 & barely saw for the next 2 years so she didn't know what went on after that. She found out about Darren but mostly she was just embarrassed in case any of her country club friends found out I had lived with a drug dealer who went to prison. We're surprisingly quite close now but everything from when i was younger is swept under the carpet as though it never happened. I've never told her what really happened with Jon - i don't want her to feel guilty for not stepping in.

Gingerniinj - i'm so sorry you went through it too. It's so hard to come to terms with - i try not to think about it most of the time.

Jon shouldn’t be working with vulnerable people.

Yes you were groomed. It absolutely wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry that this happened to you x

Jon is a pedophile. I think you should report him. So sorry you went through it all.

I also had a relationship with an older man at a similar age and I also have no anger towards him. He was kind and smart and inspirational to me. But I do feel it was wrong of him to take advantage of a young girl in that way.

I don't blame myself - but I did have some bad relationships and marriage as I grew up. My daughter turning 13 was when I realised how wrong it was. I would never ever want that for her. No matter how clever and responsible the man was. Once I recognised I was groomed and that it was wrong, I began to heal from it and to put my needs first. You will too.

OP yes you were absolutely taken advantage of, I'm so sorry

Yes I agree that once you have sought help for yourself, you should consider (with support) reporting Jon - he is in a significant position of trust with vulnerable people and may well have exploited it ... again.

I would also tell your DM what happened. She might be able to give you some comfort and support.

"shame" is the weapon of choice here of the perpetrators and bystanders who leak this into your head to silence you so you own the crime.

You were a child
He was a man

I would report him, if you feel ypubhave the strength
So sosrry tou went through this
It wasn’t your fault
It was all his

feel free to judge me - I know how stupid I was

No no no no no! You were a vulnerable young girl, you weren't stupid.

I'm so sorry for what you've experienced dear OP - you were groomed, it was not your fault at all, and I'm certain Jon knows it was wrong.

I know you're close to your mum, but it doesn't sound like she gave you any healthy messages about relationships. Sounds like my mum - I adored her (she's passed away now), but she never taught me anything about this kind of thing either.

I didn't sufffer like you did, but I definitely did have a fair few bad experiences due to my naïveté and vulnerability.

Please don't blame yourself OP, you didn't deserve any of that.

This man needs to be reported. NO WAY should he be in a position where he has access to vulnerable people, particularly children.

You are not to blame and I’m sorry you went through all that.

I lost my virginity at 14 to a 23 yr old. I really liked him at the time, god knows why. I can remember he would try and put his hands down my trousers and I'd continually move his hand away and he'd get all moody over it. I didn't realise at the time how wrong it all was. I actually hate him and the thought of it makes me feel sick, he added me on Facebook the other week actually and I was so tempted to message him telling him how disgusting he is. I'm 24 now and I still think about it, my mum found out but didn't do anything.

You have been groomed and exploited. As a psychologist he is in a position of trust that he shouldn't have,and hes working with vulnerable ppl, potentially young women and girls, and a girl is all you were.

Please report his behaviour,

The fact that you were allowed to talk about it makes it clear how he realised how wrong and illegal it was.

I'm really sorry you were exploited like this. These men are sick and need stringing up frankly. You are not to blame.