Some perspective please

[Icantdecidewhattodonext]

Hello all. I would love to have some opinions on my situation please. I'm 38, divorced. Been with current guy for 20 months. He gets on well - really well - with my two kids. I have a house. He is a bit younger and just renting. So far so good. He says he is very serious, would like a child with me (I would also like another child too....but obviously time is not on my side. At all.) About 8 months ago he brought up the subject of living together. All good: we agreed he would move in.

Fast forward to summer (July) when I decide to get a plan together/talk details, he wont actually give me a date. Causes massive rows between us. I cant understand why, when this was his idea in the first place. He eventually admits he isnt ready as we have had some rows and wants to be on firmer ground before moving in (kind of annoying as the rows were about him not moving in in first pace...but hey ho).

I decide to back off: leave things for a few months. Same thing happens again. This time I give him an ultimatum: hes all in or I walk away, because I want to meet someone who is as keen about me as I am about them. Ok, he says - all in. We agree he would move in December. December is here. He has now 'basically' moved in he says. He still has loads of stuff at the flat his family owns, hasnt told most of his family (brothers) or friends. Its no big deal apparently, and he basically lives with me......hmmm. Not much has change. He is here every night. He has huge gaps in his day and will mostly go back to his old flat to sleep and make food. That doesnt sound like smeone who lives with me.......None of the bills are in his name, although he does give me some cash towards them.My spidey senses are telling me he is tringing me out. I keep trying to have the conversation about the future with him, and I'm told Im just finding things to argue about. Thing is, if I back off a bit - get involved with friends and hobbies a bit more, he knows this and steps up he affection and 'future talk'. I just cant SEE anything actually, really materialising.

If he really wanted to move in, he would be running here with open arms and telling everyone wouldn't he? I don't want to end this but I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I have no time to p1ss around. Nearly 2 years is long enough: I want the happy ending. Do I just accept what I have (I do love him) or do I draw a line under this and just start again?

I'm a bit muddled and just wanted some perspective on this. Thank you so much.

Anyone?

I don’t think you’re wrong to be annoyed about this.

He hasn’t committed to moving in, he’s living between two homes. Are you prepared to stand by your ultimatum?

Yes - he hasn’t moved in...
And not really committed.
So - please, pelase - don’t have a child with him thinking it’ll mean he’ll make up his mind then.

Two years isn't that long really to be moving in together is it? Is he keeping his other flat? Its hard to go from living by yourself to living with 3 other people. Maybe it would be better if everyone found somewhere new to live together and it wasn't him moving into your house?

Thanks for the reply. When I have pointed out that he is,as you say, living between two homes he says I am controlling and what does it matter as long as he is here at night. Dont really know what to say to this other than it doesnt feel like he lives here and I feel like im fighting single handedly for something that should be a joy.....

His old is he?

He’s not committed at all, what you’re feeling is absolutely right. He’s half in. He’s bullshitting you really. He doesn’t want to lose you but doesn’t want what you want.

Bernina - his family own it so will be used by other family members. No pressure to move anything out etc or pay rent there.

I could move with him but Im buying the house I am in, kids finally settled, mortgage managable etc. Good size, garden etc. Dont really want to uproot us to cater for someone who said they wanted to live here....

Atrocious - he is 32.

I don’t think he’s interested in making that kind of commitment to you. It’s very straightforward making the move, getting his name on the bills and planning a future. Indeed he’s been dragging his heels the whole time and doing what’s necessary to appease you.

Even your ultimatum was met with a substantial amount of slithering so he didn’t have to fully commit. He’s simply not ready, maybe in a few more years, maybe never. I know you’re considering another child but I’d be very reluctant to go ahead with someone so reluctant.

I know. Thank you for your messages: I know what I have to do. Its just really hard because I do love him. Very much. But I could end up wasting the next ten years of my life.

I think the difference in your ages means that there is much less time pressure on him to settle down and crack on with having a child.

I know that after years together and introducing him to your kids the temptation is to focus on the "sunk cost", but I think he's just not on the same page as you and staying with him would just be dragging out the inevitable.

RCohle: yes, I think I have the sunk costs mentality. I really wish it hadnt got this far. I didnt think age mattered. It didnt to him. Apparently.

It’s easy for many of us to sit on our comfy sofas, dealing out potentially life changing advise to people who are in impossible situations and suffering immeasurably. Some posts are easier to respond to than others. You love him, that makes it all the more painful. Regardless of what you choose to do I hope in the end your happy.

I think either accept it for what it is, a lot of relationships work when you live apart - or if you don't want this arrangement then you will have to end things.
It just seems like he isn't sure about it so either take it out of his hands by changing your expectations & view of what you want from the relationship or take it out of his hands by ending things.

Would you be happy to have him without the option of a baby and living together as a unit? Would you be happy with this arrangement still in 2, 5, 10 years?

Don't like his behaviour when you give him less attention - seems to be game playing?

Whats his relationship history - has he lived with someone before? You mention his brothers - how influential are they on him - what do you think they think - are they settle with partners - also are his peer group settled with partners?

You know it shouldn't be this hard. You know that.

DO NOT GET PREGNANT!

FGS, don't get pregnant. Bottom line he is either 100% in or he's not.

He's clearly not. Stop wasting your time.

Thanks everyone. Another argument last night whereby I tell him I don't feel like he's in this. I need to "buck my ideas up". This is just bullshit and I need out. We have a holiday booked at xmas so for now it's just getting through. So sad but yes, necessary.

Alot of people think age doesn't matter.

But in alot (not all before people do on about their age gap relationship being amazing) of relationships it does cause issues.

6 years isn't alot. But you are at different stages in life. Especailly as you want another child and don't want to leave it to late. He has all the time in the world.he doesn't have the same urgency you have. He can't see it from your point if view or position.

And that's worrying in itself.

Is a load of arguments what you signed up for? No, I didn't think so.

He told you to 'buck your ideas up'?? Wow. He sounds a bit controlling I think.

Does he work? You mention huge gaps in his day ?