What pattern do arguments take in your relationship?

[fizzylaura]

Ours usually go:-

1. I get annoyed about something.
2. DH gets angry that I'm annoyed and protests that I'm wrong.
3. We ignore each other for days. This started out when DH used to ignore me, it really used to bother me but now I just give him the same treatment.
4. We somehow start talking again (can be days later!) and the matter is never actually dealt with or resolved.

I know this isn't healthy and I'm miserable. I'm going to start relationship counselling next week but he refuses to come.

How do you resolve disagreement in your relationship?

Now that I’m solo, not of the Han variety, arguments aren’t exactly a feature for me. But historically when emotions and tempers are running high I couldn’t communicate properly at all. So after a lot of yelling nonsense at each other I’d have to go retreat somewhere to let myself calm down and think things through.

Sometimes I would drive off for a few hours if it was an especially passionate argument or sit in silence in another room. I suspect she thought I was doing it to annoy her or make her feel bad. But it genuinely wasn’t. I just like some quiet time to get my head together. Then I’d always return, a much calmer and rational guy. Then we could talk things through and apologise.

Me and Dp have been working at this.

It used to be similar to yours. The ignoring and then never resolving. Occasionally I would feel overwhelmed and leave. Not stropping off, but like I was panicking and had to get out (issues from previous relationship)

We talked. Dp hates me walking away, as he feels I am walking away from him. I explained I am not going to walk away from him but sometimes feel overwhelmed. He explained he ignores me and then just wants to forget because he in convinced an argument will end our relationship (issues from his previous relationship).

So how, if I feel I need to walk away. I tell him I need some air or space and will be back. He doesn't ignore me, but if he feels overwhelmed and doesn't want to discuss it there and then, we leave it, put a pin in it and carry on as normal. We then revisit it.

Dp realises that letting me have space doesn't mean I am leaving him. I realise that pushing to to resolve an argument there and then, makes him feel overwhelmed so we have worked out a system that works for us now I don't push Dp to resolve something straight away, he is much more open and talks a few hours later. He realised that giving me space stops it escalating as well.

I am in the same situation, worse because he always play victim and when he apologises it's never real, he just gets to the point he's had enough so says sorry, as before I would always give in as I hate the tension and him giving me the silent treatment.
Funny how after a while it doesn't bother me, I actually look forward to him shutting up.
If nothing gets resolved two things happened

• you stop reacting
• or you leave.

Ex-H and I would argue frequently, he would shout in my face then we'd ignore each other for a few hours. We never actually resolved anything.

DP and I have only ever fallen out once, about a year ago when we'd both had too much to drink, and it felt awful. We had some time on our own to reflect and then talked about it.
It was refreshing that we resolved it respectfully; and we agreed that it felt really horrible to argue so we would try to talk before exploding. It's worked for us so far, although I'll be the first to admit sometimes I struggle with this!

This is a really sad thread to read. Me and DH just talk about the issue causing tension. We've kind of developed rules/ideas of how to approach stuff. I'm not posting to be smug but because they've been so useful to us. Both of you have to buy in though I guess.

1. We both try not to get defensive.
2. We each assume that the other has the best, highest motivations behind what they're saying (rather than assuming the worst reasons behind it).
3. Be completely, utterly honest about what we really think. Nothing left unsaid, nothing festering.
4. Validate each others feelings. All emotions are valid and ok to feel, it's the way we behave as a result that can be a problem.
5. Take ownership and responsibility of your own mistakes.

12 years we've never shouted at each other or given the silent treatment though of course we've had plenty of disagreements. It just doesn't escalate.

'The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse' by John Gottman. Go google his work.

maximumcarnage thank you for your post. I now realise how my OH must feel/operate during arguments. It winds me up that he just gets in the car and drives off for a while, rather than talk through what I am upset about and validate my feelings. It feels like he’s giving me the finger walking off on me. But now I see it’s not that. He must be feeling overwhelmed and can’t cope with high emotions, so needs a quiet time out of the situation.

When he comes back, he is always a bit calmer and more prepared to talk. I guess we are just different. I can’t imagine walking out on him unless I want to show my contempt for him. But reading your post I understand why he needs that time-out which I don’t. And we do have a ‘repair’ conversation after where we get to discuss things in depth and hear out each other’s perspectives. I guess this is what matters, can you repair after antagonism or end up just sweeping it under the carpet and leaving the whole things hanging on an unsatisfactory note.

It struck me that Dr Gottman’s research shows that 70% of arguments NEVER get resolved, the couple clash over the same things over and over again never to find a solution. But some marriages continue quite happily after such a disagreement and some marriages erode over time and eventually break down. Both are experiencing same circular issues, but it is down to whether the couple can adapt and change their perceptions/learn to handle the issue which determines if the relationship continues on well or breaks down.

I accuse
He denies
He accuses
He stonewalls
2 weeks later, normal

Him complaining about mess
Me being snarky about it
Him denying he was blaming me and getting cross with me for shouting
Me denying I was shouting but kind of shouting now
Escalates.
Blows over in 20 minutes.

Me asking him to not empty the dishwasher randomly into the cupboards/put on mixed laundry loads/fill the shoe racks up with crap
Him immediately criticising me for being untidy
Me explaining we'll always live in a mess if everything I spend ages sorting out is messed up immediately
Escalation

Him having a one sided conversation with me and me switching off.

Ours are never resolved either, so occur very frequently, but we forget about it within 10 minutes and carry on as usual.

We do disagree sometimes but we talk and talk. Neither says anything to raise the temperature we just discuss it quite calmly. Never shouted or sulked in almost 20 years.

As soon as you have to raise your voices to one another, you've lost and are in the depths of irrational emotion baiting on both sides. It's hard to avoid it, but I believe it's crucial for our own wellbeing not to get into that state.

A few strong words then try and get back to normal asap,for me if it's done it's done,No point dragging it on.

Basically the same argument for the last 18 months since child was born. I don’t feel supported or helped in anyway, he explains why he can’t helpmor support, talking escalates to shouting, I walk away or hang up on him, send a load of text messages politely explaining why I’m cross/hurt he doesn’t respond we don’t see or speak to each other for awhile can be upto a fortnight. Then gets better, remains better for a few weeks and repeat. I really should leave