I need the lightbulb moment, the epiphany

[ItsABeatifulDayNow]

I am currently waiting for that glorious moment when I remember that although "we" together agreed it wasn't working, that I needed more than you could give etc etc all mutual and kind... that actually you were frequently unkind, selfish, arrogant, deceptive, complacent and a bully.

You "couldn't believe" your luck getting a "girl like me" for so long - I was self sufficient, grafter, fun but smart... then you pushed my boundaries and broke me down into a pathetic paranoid mess of a woman. Gaslighting and (quite correctly) assuming arrogantly that I would always come back.

And for what? I loved you very deeply and am thankful for the good times but I really need now to skip forward to that glorious epiphany where I realise one day on my death bed in spite of over a year together I won't remember your last name!

Disclaimer - I think the WORLD of other ex partners who were wonderful but wrong time / wrong match. I think that's why this systematic breakdown of my confidence and boundaries doesn't feel real to me.

ANY ADVICE or words of wisdom on how to cope during this horrible low between the end of a relationship and that wonderful day (I have to believe it will come!) where I realise it's all for the best so have NIL temptation to even think about them.

So much wasted headspace at the moment on someone I wouldn't want to be the father of my future children anyway. HELP!

vicky having escaped a similar relationship a few months all I can say is the old cliche it will take time.going non contact and blocking on everything helped me and not fab stalking or anything like that.I did wobble a few months before I finally ended things and went back but just couldn’t make it work. The relationship was toxic and turned me into a shell of the person I usually am. Thankfully I am now out the other side of it and a few months on I rarely think of him at all.Remembering all the bad times whenever you are having a wobble will help you to remain strong and not look back.good luck x

I too am waiting for the ‘lightbulb’ moment.
Unfortunately, I don’t think you can put a timescale on these things.
There will be good days and there will be bad ones. Yesterday I had the first moment where I realised; that for a minute or two I was so enjoying a particular moment, that he wasn’t at the back of my mind. That has to be the first time, in I don’t know how long. I don’t remember the times, where he wasn’t on my mind!
I’ve blocked on social media and deleted text messages. I’ll admit I haven’t got rid of pictures, and I try my best to not read messages about him to and from me and our mutual friend.
I try and remind myself how much he hurt me, and listen to some angsty breakup songs!
Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Never Again’ is a good one for me, as I can relate so many of the lyrics lol!
But remember; there’s a quote I’ve come across recently, and it’s so true - ‘One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, is mourn the loss of a person who is still alive’.

Thanks so much your posts have already helped. I've found so far the most helpful thing is to take a breath before a potential silly decision (e.g send a message, check a social media profile and think, brutally:

What is the best that could happen? (They are feeling shot, you are relieved / feel bad / they prey on it a draw you back into the cycle or (worse) you MANIPULATE them to reinstate contact)

What is the worst that could happen?
(They are really well - you feel shit and desperate to reengage, they are utterly neutral - you feel desperate for their attention etc)

No. Good. Can. Come. From. Contact.

I need to remember this and live by it. It's helping in conjunction with a mindfulness app and a list of things he did / believed that are particularly at odds with what I want in a partner.

I want to be with someone because I WANT them not because they're the best of a bad bunch so far.

We can do this!!

*they are feeling shit

And @mjvb123 omg yes I haven't yet in this case but previously that moment where you think oh god I haven't thought about THEM all week and I've been happy / I can't remember their birthday! The relief! Toxic relationships feel so real and I am so so so lucky I've had healthy ones previously to know that having boundaries pushed, undeniable gaslighting and lack of respect for women (but "wokeness" anywhere you might get caught - vom) is NOT what I want - and that's perfectly fair and valid.

Op, you clearly are an astute, intelligent woman whose head already knows the answers to all the questions you don't even need to ask about this man.

However, quite often our hearts are more vulnerable than our heads would like and take a good while longer to galvanise to a reality. Logic and emotion are very different beasts and must be tamed differently.

Try to think about someone you know, who you respect and love, someone whose advice and reasoning you trust implicitly (mine's my late Grandmother). They're your 'Constant'.
Would your Constant stand for this? How would you feel if your Constant was going through this? Would they have?
If your Constant wouldn't have stood for it, wouldn't deserve it and wouldn't tolerate it then neither should you.

I had my epiphany last night I think.

I was seeing someone up to about 3 months ago. It had been my first relationship in many years - when we ended it we both agreed that it was the right thing to do. I had been on the point of ending it with him anyway so it wasn't a surprise.

And then I got totally obsessed with him, classic stalking - checking social media to see what he was up to, messaging every day. To give him his due he has been very patient and kind. We had to stay in contact as we are co-organisers of a group.

About 4 weeks ago he met someone else, more stalking - found her home address and phone number. Got in the car to go to her house but came to my senses and only drove around the block. Totally realise that its nothing to do with her but I needed to know all about her.

Talking to him last night and he was telling me how scary it all feels to be with her, how they have so much in common and his face softened every time he talked about her.
I dont know why but I dont feel so bad today - I feel as if I have gone from wanting him back to more acceptance. I hope this feeling lasts.

To add - still want him back I think, but not how it was before. I just wish he wasn't so adamant against having a second try

@VickyMcCluresAccentThough

It was such a moment. Sadly he has been on my mind ever since, but at least it was a small glimmer of the light at the end of the tunnel!
You have summed up so much, all the thoughts I’ve had since the end.
I’ve heard from our mutual friend, that he has done his back in very badly. And can’t move without help. This could have been something that would make me get in contact..... but I was last one to message (on a drunken night out with a friend, a pretty tame text by drunk standards) that he didn’t reply to. So really the ball is in his court. And I have to remind myself of that.
I miss him dreadfully, and hate that everyday is a day further away from him. But, but, but... I do know that he treated me very shittly, and still continues to do so by cutting me out, and not giving me the closure I so desperately want/need. I don’t think he will ever give me that,
It was an incredibly toxic relationship.
Let’s not be stupid, and give them anymore power than they already have!!!

I’ve been there and it’s hard.
The best advice I received was to concentrate on all the bad things he did. Do not think of any good times until you’re well past the epiphany moment.
Apparently, abusive men are good occasionally because they know that good behaviour is what keeps you there and this good memories are what bring you back each time you leave them.
I took the advice and never went back this time (it’s been 15 years this year). I’d gone back several times before and he fully believed I would always go back. He shit himself when he realised I really wasn’t coming back this time.
So, only focus on the bad stuff he did and the horrible way he made you feel as you work through it and become a strong and confident person once again.
He won’t change. You can’t change him. Nobody can.
You can do this. You will be happy again. I promise.

@Insomnibrat that's a brilliant idea - already putting that into practice today. And thank you for your lovely kind words they're super appreciated at the moment

@mjvb123 DEAL - I so so so want to move on and be happy. And to love fully again but healthily next time.

@borninastorm That's a great idea and part of why I think mindfulness isn't quite right for my current phase - your way is better, to focus on the reasons I am ensuring no more harmful behaviour carries on I have to only allow myself to acknowledge the negative cycle not any of the good days within it. You're so so right.

Maybe I'll try to quash those "but I remember that day he said I looked lovely" moments of weakness with the memories of times I got all dressed up only for no comment at all or a thinly veiled insult AND couple those thoughts with all the other positive comments I get from people about my mind body and spirit I that he somehow made me ignore or not believe the last couple of years!

I used to be such a bolshy little thing (albeit soppy as anything underneath it) and I miss feeling that way. But that is who I am. And who I shall be again!

But, I think on reading this it isn't just the end of the relationship it's some of the behaviours he inflicted on you.and how that has sapped your confidence. Which is awful.

@VickyMcCluresAccentThough I was the same: a feisty, strong, independent, go-getting woman. By the time I left I was a broken shell of myself.
It takes time, but you’ll get there.
I’m so happy to hear you’re going to try to only concentrate on all the bad, wrong, terrible, abusive, controlling things he did to you and the horrible ways he made you feel.
There will be glorious light at the end of your tunnel.
I’m so proud of you for being you.

@Koko12 It's so much easier now the stalking stage is over - I'm embarrassed at how unbelievable my depth of anxiety was on this front just a few weeks ago. We can do this!xx

@borninastorm Ive ummmmed and aaaaahd and am only posting this because I can't say I in real life as it's boastful (lapsed catholic now not one). And it shouldn't be about money and I am THE Least materialistic one out there - gimme a fun memory over a beautiful bag any day.

BUT even this year, even this year when I couldn't work the first three months after my crash in and out of hospital with operations than unable to shower alone / wee alone / get dress/ use knife and fork, wrote, type, turn Handel etc the the next three then when I became half mobile again the epilepsy starting and limiting what's possible, can't drive from now on etc etc...

EVEN after all that I'll have made more money this year than he has and I won't owe anyone a penny on 1st Jan.

Why? Sheer bloody determination and utter refusal to give up. And because my work is shit hot so I can do it for a shit hot day rate and I will never ever again feel guilty about this.

You know what? I AM proud of the little me that ended up this bloodyminded in determination to survive!

I WILL ALWAYS BE OK
(Repeat x10000000)

That's not being boastful, that's being proud that you can support yourself. I'm still surprised that I can do this adulting stuff

@M4J4 just letting you know I've done it! All over and now I can move onto a new toxic free life. Nestled in my bed watching my favourite films and eating apple crumble for breakfast... I could get used to this!

Hey,
Had to post on here to say we’re all in this together ... coming to terms with the end of a 11 year relationship and 1 year of marriage .. he quite simply decided he didn’t love me anymore and wanted to he single .. 8 weeks later he had a new girlfriend, he left in July and I’m slowly healing... never did I expect to be divorced at 28... remember this No. Good. Can. Come. From. Contact.

I’ll also leave this quote I saw for us all to read and remind ourselves xx

All I can say to OP is that from what you write the lightbulb is 'well and truly on' but your heart-based emotions act like a dimmer switch! So, all you can do is try to think to during wobbly moments about turning the dial back up.

Just checking in to see how Team Lightbulb is going!

From my side - nil contact for a week and nil checking of any social media stuff (give a shit / what's the best that could come from checking being my mantras nowhere) for much longer probably nearly a month.

So just the horrible memories and obsessive times about the lies and gross behaviour from him - BUT these memories and my reaction to them are MINE to own and deal with - nothing to do with him really, he doesn't own them or how I deal with them. That realisation has come from my other thread on here and I am so grateful.

This sadness / confusion is mine and I am a survivor of way worse - the crash and the operations and the epilepsy, in the grand scheme it's laughable this is even an issue!

WE. CAN. DO. THIS!!